The Rules Get Only Worse
"Order!" The judge yelled as she banged her gavel on the board with her magic.
"This pony, Mercury Moon is sentenced to death for his crime of smuggling out berries while our merchant, Mr. Gareth was turned around talking about a trade to a different pony." She said as her voice boomed around the court because of the silence.
"I don't see how smuggling is a crime to be sentenced to death. Besides who's even the law around here?" Mercury said trying to see if any pony would agree with him.
The ponies started murmuring among themselves.
"So sorry Mr. Moon but death is the law, and you would know if you had read the laws!" She said while her voice still boomed around the room.
The ponies murmured again in agreement that it was also a crime to not read the laws. They were strict under the rule of the army that rebelled against them, and if broken every pony sent to death because of there mistake. Not community service, not prison, death.
"I find the suspect guilty!" The judge yelled while banging her gavel again.
"Let's get him out off here before he does another crime." The soldier said as him and another soldier lifted him away while he was in hoof cuffs.
He was dragged to the volcano where he rested on a board that if you stepped off you'd fall to your death.
"Okay lay him down." The pony in the cloak said while holding the axe with his magic.
He was later down on the tip of the board where his head hung off.
"You don't realize I don't deserve this." Mercury said in worry.
Before he could say any more the axe sliced through his neck where it fell into the lava leaving the blood sputtering out as the pony teleported off the board.
"Drop the board." He said to the guard who was standing on the board so it wouldn't fall in.
The body dropped into the lava just as his head and burned to ashes unfilled it sunk to the bottom of the volcano. The deaths were cruel for disobeying the rules.
"It's been a busy day today. So many crimes have happened its getting tiring." The pony said while putting the axe on his back.
"Well the rules keep on increasing. It's hard to keep track off them but master has it under control." The soldier said as he walked down the volcano.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Earlier That Day
"Miss. Lilac if more crimes are committed then we need more security!" The mysterious pony shouted to the shaking pony by the door.
"So sorry... I'll get right on it... I won't let you down!" She said as she almost lost her balance while walking out the door.
"You better not!" He yelled after her while continuing to write down things with his quill.
He had been writing all day. His horn started to hurt, he'd been writing since the sun first appeared. Of course it wasn't Celestia's sun. She was the first to go since the mysterious ponies army started to take over. Along with her sister who was no where to be seen. He was writing a new volume of the official new rules. Of course it would take forever since the first one took three days to finish.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Present
The little filly who had turned away before the head got chopped off still sat there as the rest of the ponies left the volcano.
"Come on scram!" The pony who chopped of his head yelled at her.
With her mane in her face and tears pouring down her face she ran down the volcano still saddened. Mercury was her father and her mother died by murder a few months ago. Her and her older brother, Click, were now orphans forced into the orphanage. She ran to her house where her brother was.
"Dads... Dead." She cried into him.
He loved his sister and his dad but he hated that there only parent died. He cried with his sister as they hugged each other. They eventually fell asleep there.
There was a knock at the door but no one awake to hear it.
"You think there in there." A male voice asked in whisper while in the dark.
"Oh I know there in there!" A female voice replied.
The siblings woke up in a strange all tiled room.
"Where.. A.. Are w.. We?" The filly said while shivering and scooching closer to her brother.
"I don't know but it's cold in here." He replied trying to be brave for his sister.
"Welcome to A-Pet." A mare said while walking into the room.
"A what?" The filly exclaimed.
"A-Pet The Army Prevention, Evelution, Team." She replied to the two.
"What do you want with us!?" Click said with a loud voice.
"We want to recruit you. We search for orphans who have potential. I'm sorry for you loss." She said as her head drooped a bit.
"We don't have any training though." The filly said finally picking up her head from the fright.
"We will train you for a more peaceful Equestria. Now we need your names." She said as she walked over to a keyboard on the wall.
"Click." He said with no emotion.
" Umm... My names Estate." Said backing behind her brother.
"Okay great!" She said while typing in there names.
"What's your name?" Estate asked coming out from behind her brother.
"Just call me Commander around here." She said while hitting the final button.
"When does training start?" Click asked still a bit curios where they were.
"Right now! Just across the hall!" She exclaimed as she pushed them out of the room.
She slammed the door behind them and tapped a button on the keyboard and it pushed back into the wall. She hit a buzzer on her desk.
"Matrix we have two new recruits. Filly and colt. Expect to see there names on the screen." She said into the machine on her desk.
"Afirmed!" She said as the words came up on her screen.
Before the commander could respond to her she quickly turned off the machine at the sound of the door.
"Sorry to interrupt commander but there's two ponies sneaking around the site. They could find classified areas." An orange pony said wearing silver armour and her lavender mane slicked back by her helmet.
"Well go get them!" She exclaimed at her in sarcasm.
"On it!" She said as she ran out the door and slid around as she flew up on her wings to go get them.
She flew through the hallways until she found the ponies slinking across the wall. The ponies ran at the sight of her chasing them.
"Oh no you don't!" She said and locked herself on to them.
She grabbed them both by the neck and picked them up. She was trained in strength class so she managed to carry them both back to the Commanders office.
"Here they are." She said before walking out and shutting the door.
"Ugh what is it now? Click?! Estate?! It was you who was running away!?! I thought you agreed to join us?" She said in shock.
"This isn't our home you can't tell us what to do!" Click exclaimed in a loud voice while stepping in front of his sister which scared her.
"I don't mind staying... You forced me to run away from here." She said while walking to the commander.
"What do you know your just a filly!" He yelled at her while tripping her causing her to hurt herself.
She was bleeding and crying.
"What afraid of the floor?!" He said starting to sound like a bully.
"Security get him out of here!" She exclaimed while picking up Estate and stroked her mane.
As they took him out he had a look of anger and snarled at his sister. Closing the door behind them her brother was gone.
"It'll be okay." She said to her as Estate started tearing up.
Stats
Page generated in 0.024 seconds
Total duration
944 users online
1,223,189 hits today, 1,872,792 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Eh what? It's just soo random that i can't get who say what
3071011
Sorry. I'll try and fix that in the next chapter.
Oh my gd I freaking love it you better keep it up!
I love it
Ps your new avatar is really cute!
3121050
Which one I change it a few times?
3124596the one you have on now I like to change mine a few times too but I like mine right now
You may have not guessed but I'm a huge fan of luna
And a fan of derpy...... Shhhhhh
3125343
Yeah I like this one because it has Luna PLUS what her parents should look like.
3125510 whens the next chapter gonna come out I'm SO TIRED OF WAITING I LOVE THIS BOOK
Their
Said Estate not Estate" said
sorry i had to fix your grammer
The commander: Winter Madax
The warrior: Lavender Dream
3146075
Sorry it'll be there soon, I need a strike of inspiration plus I'm working on another story with someone else about a war.
3147041oooooooooo when will it be out I'm a army person
3157344
Not sure
3157597 awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Let's see... just a few quick suggestions before I head to bed.
Honestly, even though it has some shortcomings, this is far better than plenty of stories I've tried to read. At least most of your grammar is correct. (But not all. I think you misspelled Evolution in A-Pet and a few other words)
Areas to Improve:
Characters - You characters are a little flat. This is hard to fix if you're a new writer, and doubly so if you're young. Age and experience do wonders for your perspective on people. Find a book you like and pay attention to a specific character. Look at how the writer portrays them. Try to do something similar with yours.
Transitions - Make sure the reader doesn't get lost. For example:
"Oh I know there in there!" A female voice replied.
The siblings woke up in a strange all tiled room.
You need something here to indicate that they were taken from their house. Something like, There was a click and the doorknob turned. Two figures entered the house and found the two children asleep in each others embrace. The smaller figure looked to the other and then motioned towards the bed. "Grab 'em."
Or however you want to write it out.
Point of View - I think it would drastically help to focus each scene on a single character. Right now you're just floating out in omniscient and going kind of wherever. Bring that camera down and attach it to one of your characters. Make the reader see the world through their eyes. (That doesn't mean make it 1st person, just stick to plain old 3rd person)
That's all I have time for right now. Just remember, if you're really interested in writing, go buy some "How to write" books, google things like "writing tips", and read widely.
Have a good day!
3222641
That last part was a bit rude,
Go get a how to write book!? Thanks for the inspiration. It's only my first fic and I try so it doesn't matter. The only one who seems to like it is ponylover if she's the only one I might as well take it down.
3225963
I apologize if I came off as rude.
I myself have a stack of those same books that I read all the time. That's why I'm even suggesting it.