• Member Since 4th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen Jan 31st, 2014

mlp4pegasister


E

The world taken over by a whole army led by one pony and one pony alone. They rule Equestria where the rules are strict and if caught not obeying the rules, death. Even if this small group of ponies don't succeed to stop it they show inspiration to all.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 16 )

Eh what? It's just soo random that i can't get who say what

3071011
Sorry. I'll try and fix that in the next chapter.

Oh my gd I freaking love it you better keep it up! :pinkiehappy: :twilightsmile: I love it
Ps your new avatar is really cute!

3121050
Which one I change it a few times?

3124596the one you have on now I like to change mine a few times too but I like mine right now
You may have not guessed but I'm a huge fan of luna
And a fan of derpy...... Shhhhhh:raritywink:

3125343
Yeah I like this one because it has Luna PLUS what her parents should look like.

3125510 whens the next chapter gonna come out I'm SO TIRED OF WAITING I LOVE THIS BOOK
:fluttercry:

"You think there in there." A male voice asked in whisper while in the dark

Their :pinkiehappy:

" Umm... My names Estate." Said backing behind her brother.

Said Estate not Estate" said
:pinkiehappy:
sorry i had to fix your grammer :twilightoops:

The commander: Winter Madax :twilightsmile:
The warrior: Lavender Dream :pinkiehappy:

3146075
Sorry it'll be there soon, I need a strike of inspiration plus I'm working on another story with someone else about a war.

3147041oooooooooo when will it be out I'm a army person :pinkiehappy:

Let's see... just a few quick suggestions before I head to bed.

Honestly, even though it has some shortcomings, this is far better than plenty of stories I've tried to read. At least most of your grammar is correct. (But not all. I think you misspelled Evolution in A-Pet and a few other words)

Areas to Improve:

Characters - You characters are a little flat. This is hard to fix if you're a new writer, and doubly so if you're young. Age and experience do wonders for your perspective on people. Find a book you like and pay attention to a specific character. Look at how the writer portrays them. Try to do something similar with yours.

Transitions - Make sure the reader doesn't get lost. For example:
"Oh I know there in there!" A female voice replied.
The siblings woke up in a strange all tiled room.
You need something here to indicate that they were taken from their house. Something like, There was a click and the doorknob turned. Two figures entered the house and found the two children asleep in each others embrace. The smaller figure looked to the other and then motioned towards the bed. "Grab 'em."
Or however you want to write it out.

Point of View - I think it would drastically help to focus each scene on a single character. Right now you're just floating out in omniscient and going kind of wherever. Bring that camera down and attach it to one of your characters. Make the reader see the world through their eyes. (That doesn't mean make it 1st person, just stick to plain old 3rd person)

That's all I have time for right now. Just remember, if you're really interested in writing, go buy some "How to write" books, google things like "writing tips", and read widely.

Have a good day! :twilightsmile:

3222641
That last part was a bit rude,

Go get a how to write book!? Thanks for the inspiration. It's only my first fic and I try so it doesn't matter. The only one who seems to like it is ponylover if she's the only one I might as well take it down.

3225963

I apologize if I came off as rude.
I myself have a stack of those same books that I read all the time. That's why I'm even suggesting it.

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