Chapter Three
Daring woke up to a blurry mess. There was moss and mold covering the wet, damp, dark cavern she was in. There were broken rocks and pillars everywhere. After her raspberry red eyes adjusted to the dark, it was still blurry. As she looked up, she saw a speck up light. As everything came into focus, she remembered what had happened. Pushing away some rocks, she saw that her wing was, yet again, broken. She immediately looked around for her bag. She couldn't see it, so she struggled to get up. After making it back on all four hooves, she swayed a little, then went of her search for her enchanted bag.
"How do I always manage to break my wing and loose my stuff?" The khaki mare asked herself while kicking over a group of rocks. "I've become a master at bandaging myself."
Having found nothing, she returned to the spot where she had woken. Only to find that her canvas bag was stuck in a fallen tree. This was a problem, as the pegasus's wings had been damaged from the fall.
"Crap" she muttered under her breath.
She then resorted to a small series of jumps over the fallen piles of pillars and stone. Once she had reached her bag, she noticed a small spec of light in the distance. She then grabbed her stuff, and proceeded to make her way down. As her hooves reached the ground, they then sunk into the damp soil. She did not care about the dirt; she had gone through her entire life playing in it.
She then proceeded to find the source of said light, having to make a series of turns around corners, and found herself in a tunnel. The walls of it were dimly lit. After obtaining a torch, the adventurer held the light up to the wall. The walls showed carvings of the ancient city that had once reigned over most of Equestria. They contained details of the aftermath of the kings death. Depicting the citizens fear of the lack of a ruler.
The pony was deep in thought, staring at the history carved in stone, when she suddenly stepped back. Her gaze then focused on the torch that she was holding.
"How could you be lit all the way down here? " she questioned with a puzzled look on her face.
She turned and looked to where the torch had been found, and noticed that the entire hallway contained torches that held the glowing flames. She went on down the mysteriously lit hallway examining the walls on her way. Stopping every couple meters to get a better look at the more interesting ones.
As she came to what looked like the end of the tunnel, she entered an expansive room. The room had three hallways that connected to it, and contained a black cube in the middle. Daring went up to the cube and looked at the sides. Similar to the walls, this too showed scenes from the past. These instead showed a single pony, holding up what seemed like a glass disk, surrounded by a sequence of plant growth.
She then looked up to the top of the cube. The top had a geometric design on it, with lines cut into it. In the center of the design was a glass triangle. She picked this up to examine it. It's sides was a gold frame, and it was perfectly clear. She deposited the glass piece in her bag and returned to the design.
"I've never seen anything with markings like this. " she whispered under her breath.
Her hoof found its way into her bag, and returned with a pencil and a piece of paper. She then placed the paper on the stone, and rubbed the graphite over it, causing the design to be traced. This was also folded and deposited in the bag. She looked up at the three hallways that would lead her elsewhere in the morning underground ruins.
Uncertain of what path would be best, she looked around the room for anything that could be used to find out where each would take her. Walking around the walls proved to be of no use, as the old art only depicted scenes with the same piece that was on the cube, so she went back to the center. There she noticed that the indentation that the glass was in, pointed down the hallway on the left.
With the newly acquired knowledge, she went down the tunnel with a bag around her neck and a torch in her mouth.
I saw the length of everything here and decided to wander on in. Your writing has a lot of flaws. There are many spelling mistakes of the variety that pass through spell checks--this leads me to believe that you didn't reread through your own writing. Similarly you make a great deal of grammar mistakes. These are basic elements of English that you are lacking. Beyond this you also make a lot of consistency mistakes, for instance your title calls her "Daring Do", and in the first paragraph you call her "Daring Doo". There are also a lot of word choice errors, and you especially seemed to have problems getting the right definite article.
As far as style goes, you are similarly woefully inadequate. Most of the time you resort to basic laundry lists of actions punctuated by narration thrown in in the most tell-y of ways. The #1 suggest I can give you about crafting an engaging story is the maxim "Show, don't Tell". Instead of telling me:
(This is also in the present tense, and you're writing a past tense story. A big no-no.)
You can show me that the night is approaching by having Daring observe her surroundings:
(An example of the concept)
The best piece of advice I can give you, though, is read. Read well written things. Read them and ask yourself why they work. Another source of reference you can use is the Writing Guide that the site provides. It can be found under the FAQ menu option next to your favorites.
Hope this helps, cheers.
For the most part I'm going to have to agree with 2951561 on everything he said. Yes, reading is a great way to become a better writer and the Writing Guide will help. But if you can do it I would find someone to help you edit as you write, not just this story but whenever you do it, like a teacher or even a friend who has had some success.
Your paragraphs themselves were full of errors and you use diction that doesn't really fit.
For example this paragraph...
could go something like this.
Now, by no means am I the person to ask how best to wright this. But none of the 'conceptual' content was changed and the paragraph is now easier to understand with fewer grammatical errors and it flows better with a more colorful use of diction (diction - word choice).
For the story itself, I will say that I like the concept and the pictures I think your trying to paint. So, I believe you've got good ideas, and with writing improvement you could put out some really good stuff.
The only other things I can think to say would be that you might have the story progress a little slower (but that could just as easily be me) and that I really hope you continue writing and improving your skills.
Hope this helps.
Let me know if you have any questions.
2960693 Thank you for the comment, At first I was mad and thought that you were really cock, and decided not to read the comments, but I really do take that back. I see how bad I am at grammar. Thanks for the help, and I will be working on proof reading.