First off, the slight variation of the “Twilight screwed up” gag is not too original. At least you give her credit for being experienced in magic.
Second, use spellcheck. You didn't screw up badly, but I spotted a slip-up once in a while.
Third, you also make punctuation errors sometimes. Again, not too bad.
In the end, your current writing is VERY ENJOYABLE, but a sophisticated grammar nazi might wince at some of your mistakes. The mistakes take little from the story however, so don't feel too bad. I probably won't write anything as engaging. (IMHO.)
I am curious to see how romance will play out in this story. It was interesting to hear your take on the “lifestyles” of the ponies regarding their sexual activity, and how Twilight considered what might take place if “J” (the MC) was invited to one of those activities. I don't know what people are going to say if that happens in your story, so just think about what you write. It's good to hear that you are going to put warning labels. You might want to make everything a bit clearer, because I got a little confused at a few points at what was going on.
So, ignore the nasty comments (if there are any), and keep writing! This story has great potential.
And that's all ah have to say about that. (For now.)
Well that's pretty fucking suicidal. Why don't you summon THE BLACK FUCKING PLAGUE, at least IT wouldn't ENJOY killing you.
...
Ah, where was I?
First off, the slight variation of the “Twilight screwed up” gag is not too original. At least you give her credit for being experienced in magic.
Second, use spellcheck. You didn't screw up badly, but I spotted a slip-up once in a while.
Third, you also make punctuation errors sometimes. Again, not too bad.
In the end, your current writing is VERY ENJOYABLE, but a sophisticated grammar nazi might wince at some of your mistakes. The mistakes take little from the story however, so don't feel too bad. I probably won't write anything as engaging. (IMHO.)
I am curious to see how romance will play out in this story. It was interesting to hear your take on the “lifestyles” of the ponies regarding their sexual activity, and how Twilight considered what might take place if “J” (the MC) was invited to one of those activities. I don't know what people are going to say if that happens in your story, so just think about what you write. It's good to hear that you are going to put warning labels. You might want to make everything a bit clearer, because I got a little confused at a few points at what was going on.
So, ignore the nasty comments (if there are any), and keep writing! This story has great potential.
And that's all ah have to say about that. (For now.)
well you have my attention let's see if you can keep it
There is no group of favorites I have for this story. Tis is rare.