How-To Guides For Equestria

by MarcusFirehaven

How-To Buck an Apple Tree

Welcome to How-To: Buck an Apple Tree! For our first book, we are going to require a few things before we start:

A pony who can buck: Presumably, this is you.

Legs: you need a minimum of four, any more and you should see a doctor.

An apple tree: This book ain't on cherry trees!

Now, if you fall under these requirements, you are good to go!

First, we need a volunteer to dsmonstrate! We hapen to know a pony who is of those requirements!

An orange earth pony with blonde mane, green eyes, and apples cutie mark is seen in her natural environment: the apple orchard known as Sweet Apple Acres.

"Who said that?" Applejack asked aloud to nobody in particular as she began looking around. "Why're y'all describin' what Ah'm doin'?"

Applejack, I am the narrator, we already did this in "How-To: Understand the Fourth Wall", remember?

"No. Ah think y'all have this not in chronolocal order," Applejack said, "And could you stop tiltin' things?"

But how is the audiencw to tell what is me talking and what is being described?

"Let them figure it out! Ah don't want half of everythin' tilted!" Appkejack said, "Better."

Fine, fine, can we get back on topic?

"Sure."

Now, you are already a professional at bucking trees, correct?

"Sure am!" Applejack stated with pride.

Well, would you mind giving us all a wuick demonstration?

"Alright."

Applejack turned away from the nearest tree, then bucked it as she normslly does.

"How was that?"

Perfect! Excellent form! Front hooves firmly planted like the tree you are bucking, full force given in that one kick but not so much as to damage the tree, and barely a flaw in the kicking itself!

"Flaw? Y'all said Ah did perfect! What did Ah do wrong?" Applejack asked.

The buckets for the apples to fall in.

The apples came down from the trees on to the ground, and one on the farm pony's head.

"Ow!"

That wouldn't have happened if you put the buckets down, this is called the "Rule of Funny".

"Ah didn' find it funny!"

But the readers did! Anyways, for our next part, what to do if you lack the hoof strength to be Applejack.

"Hi Applejack!" Pinkie said as she hopped in front of Applejack.

"Hi Pinkie," Applejack said, "Ah'm doin' a How-To Guide or somethin', and apparently my part is over."

"Oh! This is my part! I was just hearing this guy and you talking and I wanted to know what was up, so I-"

"Why did you come over in the first place?"

"I don't know!"

I brought you here for the example, now-

"I don't want to kick a tree."

What? I'm the narrator! You have to!

"No I don't."

Yes you do.

Or do I?

Pinkie? Get out of here!

"Pinkie? Where'd ya go?" Applejack asked.

I'm with the narrator?

"Get back here! I wanna get this done with!"

Your part is over, we already pointed that out.

Yeah!

Pinkie, please get back into the normal plane of being so I can-

No way! This is fun!

You know what? You wanna do this?

Yeah!

Sweet! Haven't had a break in three weeks! Firehaven out!

Wait, you're the author? You can't just leave!

I am and I can! I'm going to make a chocolate rain cloud pillow and take a nap, you do this!

I don't wanna do appke bucking!

Next one is How-To: Survive a Gore Fic.

Can I at least have a way of differentiating my letters to tell us apart?

...Fine.

Thanks!

"Ah hought we got rid of the tilted words!"

Sorry AJ, we have to cut this, just end it here, Pinkie.

Okay!

"Wait a minute, Ah'm not done wit-"