Surprise! Jacob’s the narrator of the epilogue. He manages to be even whinier than Bella. Way whinier. SERIOUSLY.

He and Leah are near a cliff somewhere. (No one’s jumping.) Although Jacob wants to be alone, Leah wants to talk to him, and he’s about as tactful as you can imagine:

“Jump off a cliff, Leah.” I pointed to the one at my feet.

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The chapter opens with Edward and Bella flying back from their trip to Jacksonville. Bella didn’t like it quite as much as she thought she would, because Renee is supposedly more insightful than Charlie and kept making uncomfortable observations about Bella’s and Edward’s relationship. Like this bit:

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With the threat of Victoria looming over her, Bella’s week isn’t the greatest. All the Cullens try to reassure her that she and Charlie are safe — there’s seven of them and one of Victoria, after all — but no matter what they say, she’s in a constant state of very low panic. Jasper can calm her down with his powers (why isn’t Bella immune to that, like with Edward’s and Aro’s mindreading and Jane’s pain projection?), but that naturally wears off once she leaves him. Part of her stress is

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Bella’s having a good time at the bonfire party. All the wolves are there, plus Sue Clearwater (the widow of Harry Clearwater, the guy who died last book), her kids Leah and Seth, Emily, and Kim, the girl Jared imprinted on. Bella notices Seth, in spite of being pretty young, is looking a lot like Jacob did before he became a werewolf, and wonders if he’ll turn out the same way. Everyone quiets down when Billy begins telling a tale, a tale of how the werewolves came to be. In other words:

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Come the end of the party, Bella’s still panicking about the wolves joining in. She thinks they’re “just oversized, over-muscled children”, completely forgetting that they can turn into bear-size wolves and have already killed at least one vampire. She insists on Edward taking her to the werewolf-vampire meeting to try to calm her nerves.

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In the opening paragraph, it’s mentioned that the youngest werewolves are only thirteen. Why didn’t anyone wolf out while the Cullens were hanging around? Maybe it’s not vampires that triggers the change, but hostility, since they started changing when the murderous Victoria started hanging around Forks. But that would be attributing intelligence towards this series.

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It’s morning, and Bella’s packing for the trip to the middle of nowhere. There’s a cold storm coming, so she needs to pack warm clothes. She calls Jacob to tell him she’s ready, but Billy answers instead. He promises to pass the message along and wishes he could be out there with the wolves.

The urge to fight must be a defining characteristic of the Y chromosome. They were all the same.

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Astronomy-nerd time. The titles of the books are obviously referring to elements of night. Presumably, one night. But a new moon happens when the moon is between the sun and the earth and very little of the light reflected from the moon reaches the earth. An eclipse (assuming it’s lunar, because solar eclipses don’t happen during the night; I shouldn’t have to clarify that, but with this series, you never know) is when the earth is between the sun and moon, blocking all light from the sun to

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A little introspection is amazing. This chapter opens in a similar way to the previous one, with Bella still pining over Edward. But last chapter, she was doing everything she could to avoid thinking about him, so she came off as dull and insufferable. Here, she actually takes stock of her situation and what she should do about it. I still can’t say I sympathize with her — FOUR MONTHS — but I no longer want to beat her head into paste against a wall.

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Bella and Alice arrive in Volterra to find the streets packed with people for St. Marcus’s Day. After driving as close to Edward as possible (which isn’t that close), Alice tells Bella to just get out of the car and run to him. Bella runs for three pages straight to get to Edward, reaching him right before he steps into the sun.

It was really him, no hallucination this time. And I realized that my delusions were more flawed than I’d realized; they’d never done him justice.

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When Bella wakes up early in the morning, she sees Edward in her room and thinks that either she’s dreaming or she’s dead after drowning. No, I don’t get it, either. After too long, she finally concludes that, yes, the events of the past few days actually happened. Edward comments that he’s technically not supposed to be there, as Charlie banned him from the house.

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After a week, Bella’s still alive; Victoria hasn’t gotten to her yet. Still, she’s nervous and jumpy. To make matters worse, she hasn’t heard from Jacob, through the phone or otherwise. It’s definitely not for a lack of trying on her part, since she’s tried to reach him every day. Occasionally dipping into unhealthy territory:

On Wednesday I called every half hour until after eleven at night, desperate to hear the warmth of Jacob’s voice.

CM + 1

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Jacob and Bella start working on the motorcycles immediately. Jacob chats about his sophomore year at school and his two best friends, Quil (sic) and Embry. Almost immediately, they pop over to the garage to see what’s up.

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The vampire waiting for Bella is Alice. Naturally, Bella’s ecstatic about this.

I locked my arms around her, gasping to inhale as much of the scent of her skin as possible. It wasn’t like anything else — not floral or spice, citrus or musk. No perfume in the world could compare. My memory hadn’t done it justice.

CM + 1

Alice is there because, being the seer that she is, she saw Bella jump off the cliff.

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Edward reluctantly runs Bella to his house. When they arrive, they have a discussion on their relationship.

“You can leave me,” I explained. “The Volturi, Victoria… they’re nothing compared to that.”

CM + 1

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Time passes for Bella; Jacob’s given her a way to take her mind off things, so she isn’t nearly as miserable anymore. She’s aware that her behavior is self-destructive, but doesn’t care. Also, days of riding a motorcycle means she actually learns how to ride a motorcycle:

I was getting better with my bike, which meant fewer bandages to worry Charlie. But it also meant that the voice in my head began to fade, until I heard it nore more. Quietly, I panicked.

CM + 1

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Apparently shirtlessness is a symptom of lycanthropy, because the first thing Bella notices about all four of the other members of Jacob’s pack is that they’re void of thoracic covering. Great.

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Bella’s still alive by spring break. She’s settled into a comfortable routine of visiting Jacob on weekends, talking with him whenever he has the time. During a dinner at La Push on the first day of spring break, she and Jacob slip out early for some alone time.

He reached over and took my hand. His skin was blazing on mine.

“Is that one of those wolf things?” I asked him. “The heat, I mean.”

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As Bella, Edward, and Alice leave behind the vampire blood orgy (that’d be a great name for a death metal band), Bella slowly freaks out at what’s going on in the room she just departed. One of the Volturi’s human servants asks if they need anything, but Edward sends her away. According to Edward, she’s aware of what’s going on and is fully aware she could end up as a vampire’s dinner, but goes through with it in the hopes that the Volturi will turn her.

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Before we begin New Moon, I’m happy to announce a new staple to this series, the Clinginess Meter! Whenever Bella — just Bella — says or does something that’s horrifically obsessive about Edward, rather than comment on it, I’ll simply put the quote down and add 1 to the Clinginess Meter. And it needs to be obsessive; simply “I love you” doesn’t count, but “I could never live without you” does.

That settled, on we go!

Clinginess Meter: 0

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