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Comments

Entry 1: For Whom the Twilight Falls

• Bicyclette
• daOtterGuy
• SparklingTwilight

Entry 2: A Constant State of Atrophy

• Bicyclette
• daOtterGuy
• iAmSiNnEr
• SparklingTwilight

Entry 3: Catch Us If You Can

• Bicyclette
• daOtterGuy

Results

Entry 1: For Whom the Twilight Falls

Winner: Bicyclette

Link

ooh, how delightfully cinematic! it's a fascinating mix-up of roles
in this AU, with it making all too much sense that Sunset take the role
of the Solar Princess, with the literal sun on her flank and her
post-reformation empathetic characterization, while Twilight takes
Luna's place in the night, with her field of stars and less personable
disposition. but this makes the headstrong rebel the avatar of Good and
Establishment, while the goody-two-shoes faithful student fights against
it for the sake of the misunderstood pony subspecies she took under her
wing. i do wonder if the Changeling/Thestral switch will also carry
over to the rest of the plot as well, there are a lot of fascinating
places to take that.and yes, making them wives is absolutely
perfect, and gives another layer to the tragedy of sealing Twilight on
the moon. can't wait to see how differently and familiarly this world
develops in the present-day setting!

Link

aww! love the YA feel, introducing us to this world through a magical
school full of students from all over Equestria and the lands beyond,
and being selected for special attention through a magical trial. very
fun to see Scorpan as a contemporary in the modern age, and Raven
Inkwell as the scholar who did her work centuries ago. and the parallels
between Luna and Twilight are very fun! i wonder if the theme of
sisterly jealousy is being set up to echo here in the future, and i look
forward to see just what Princess Sunset is planning here

Link

ooh, absolutely loving Fluttercord having ascended into the legends of
history. this Equestria is also a very different, pleasant feel from the
xenophobic one of canon, which i guess is from the heroines that opened
up ponykind to the outside world having done their work a thousand
years prior instead of the present day. fascinating stuff! as is this
ominous setup with Chrysalis and her mother, the transformation-related
magic books going missing, all of it could tie together in so many
interesting ways!

Link

ooh, super ominous! Luna's nascent dreamwalking abilities, and descent
from a line of astronomers are great bits of biography, and i love this
echo of canon Celestia's aloofness being mistaken for idiocy or
incompetency, as well as her seeming forgetfulness of important bits of
Equestria's history that she herself lived through and affected. and i
was surprised by Pharynx and Thorax's appearance, since i figured young
Chryssy was a sign that Chrysalis, like Celestia, had been leading the
changelings for a millennium in canon. regardless, the
changeling/Twilight connection is fun to see, as is the conspiracy and
its revelation both happening in the dreamscape. more questions to look
forward to the answers to!

Link

oh, i see! really fun to see Apple Bloom taking the role of Applejack in
a way here, and the introduction of Discord was as great as expected.
loving the chaos-centered connection between him and Celestia, which
adds a fun bit of irony given canon Celestia radiating stability and
order (though Between Dark and Dawn perhaps indicates that is not
quite what she is at the core of her being). and Luna becoming the
temporary librarian of Ponyville in the Golden Oaks is a sublime touch,
very nostalgic!

Entry 2: A Constant State of Atrophy

Winner: Bicyclette

Link

ooh, lovely little train metaphor here to hang this character background on. a great start!

Link

Like she was nothing more than a particularly stubborn bottle of ketchup.

a very diner-centric metaphor, love it

In short, he was exactly the type of stallion Octavia couldn't stand.

yes, we all love our Flash Sentry!

More to the point, Octavia was certain that this painting had been on Vinyl’s floor, not hers.

ooh, first sign of something wrong

Octavia closed her eyes. Flash's breath washed over her like hot wind dredging up the smell of low tide.

I'm going to be seeing quite a bit of this fellow, she thought. Wouldn't want to get sick of his face so soon.

ah, bringing around that first bad impression to be reïnforced along with the dread of realization, great way to set up the spooky! excited to see where this goes

Link

“Uh… right.” Flash cleared his throat, standing up a little straighter. “Allow me to escort you to your room, then. Ma’am.”

“Eugh…” Octavia could hardly manage an eye-roll as she turned and began her slow trek back to the elevator.

ah, amazing Flash interactions

“And… things happen,” Octavia said with a half-hearted shrug. “She’s a massively powerful alicorn with no idea how to control it."

makes sense for the even-keeled Octavia to be so blasé about this, coming from this magic world

But… well, quite frankly, the thought of interrupting Twilight and Vinyl's 'first I love you' sex made Octavia feel physically ill.

oof, my stomach with this line

“Why would our keycards suddenly work in one of these doors?” Octavia's annoyance was becoming more obvious by the minute.

given the tropes of magical environments, some ulterior motive by some sort of conscious entity, i'm sure!

“Has anypony ever told you that you’re, uh…” Flash rubbed his chin thoughtfully, looking for the right word. “Difficult?”

Octavia scoffed. “I’m going to the end of the hall, and I’m going to sleep this off,” she said firmly. “By morning, everything will be back to normal. You'll see.”

ah, loving these initial interactions

For a moment, the pair looked ahead at the hallway as one might gaze out at the open ocean. Only the hallway did not swell with the tides, did not offer fresh air or sea spray, did not present any signs of life or the natural world at all-- unless you count the paintings of scenic and nonexistent locations, of course.

ooh, loving this paragraph! as well as the endless hallway, you've really captured that odd feel of being in that liminal space of an unfamiliar hotel hallway that just stretches on and on without end

"Don't turn on the lights!" Flash scolded, though he was also struggling to find his way in the dark. "There could be somepony staying in this room!"

Octavia's got the right idea here, unexplained spatial shenanigans means social norms are off the table

Only, this was the sort of old friend only stallions had. The kind that is abrasive and loud and likely makes very inappropriate jokes. The incredulous laughter which bubbled up from Flash’s hoarse throat made that clear.

ooh, another lovely paragraph, feels straight out of a novel

Flash didn't even slow down. "Doesn't matter. I don't like how much this place knows about me."

Which was a fair point, Octavia supposed.

yeah, it definitely adds to the bizarreness and dread

Flash shrugged. "I'm just saying. Maybe he liked jazz, but didn't wanna teach it."

"That's idiotic," Octavia said.

"Look. I dunno anything about music--"

"No surprises there."

ooh, loving how blunt this Octavia is! and i do wonder where this music teacher revelation fits in thematically

Though the question was incomplete, its implications hung in the gently rushing air.

i guess "hypocrisy that was suspected subconsciously" is what links these together, but they do seem to be jumping to conclusions about the veracity of statements next to unexplained magically appearing paintings, haha. though whatever is at work does know a spooky amount about their personal lives

"Tavi?"

"No nicknames," Octavia muttered, purely on instinct.

nice

At the same time, though… each one gave him an odd pang of guilt.

Not guilt. Betrayal, almost.

ah, loving this device! tapping into a desire to really know if the things we suspect about other people are true, good or bad. but we weren't meant to know everything about the people around us like that, and it's not good to be unable to live with that existential truth.

“Ugh.” Flash snorted softly. “I was just trying to be nice.”

ooh, loving how their personalities are grinding against each other here like two sheets of sandpaper

Fiddle had smirked easily. “Yeah. I mean, you know us: two black sheep, looking for somepony to help them feel normal.” She laughed, then. “It sounds kinda messed up when I say it like that, I guess.”

unexpected to have Fiddledust show up here, but very welcome! ah, what a perfectly drawn little flashback, contrasting herself with Octavia in so many ways, i love it

PIANISSIMO CODA

SABOTAGED A RIVAL MUSICIAN

your pony OC names are amazing, as are these portrait descriptions

Octavia wasn’t supposed to complain. Not about anything, but certainly not about her mother, and certainly not to a stranger.

aww, glad to see a point of connection between the two, at last

"Sounds like she went a little Tonya Gelding, too, huh?" Flash said, nodding at the portrait behind them.

topical!

Flash threw his head back in exasperation. "You were the one who said this was probably Twilight's nonsense!" he reminded Octavia. He leaned backwards on the bench, front hooves clutching the front edge. "Isn't that her thing? Lessons?"

Octavia clucked her tongue. "You give her far too much credit."

fun to see their initial positions reversed here, and yes, that is what i would think if i lived in this world!

"I didn't mean--" Octavia paused, took a deep breath, and steadied herself. "Fine. I think the portraits are showing us that everypony has flaws, and we shouldn't feel badly about ours."

Flash stuck his tongue out. "That's so boring."

"Well, maybe it's a very boring magical mishap!" Octavia spat back.

haha, a fun metacommentary on magical devices whose purpose is to teach the characters about life and themselves. make for great character study stories, though

Back in the hotel hallway.

Still on the fourth floor.

“Hm,” Flash said.

Octavia closed her eyes. “Indeed.”

quite. excited to see what the magic hotel has planned next!

Link

"Let’s not leap to interpretations just yet,” Octavia said, holding up a hoof to shield herself from Flash’s unwanted opinions. “I’m still not keen on taking life advice from a hotel room.”

loving Octavia's genre savviness

And yet Flash Sentry sauntered on down the hall, unbothered.

Flash Sentry, who wore charm like a costume.

Flash Sentry, who worshipped his grade school friend like a god.

Flash Sentry, who--despite it all--thought there was nothing wrong with him at all.

Flash Sentry, who definitely sucked more than she did.

Definitely.

ah, love this sequence

"You have your own!"

"But you're using that one wrong!"

oof! that says a lot there

Flash gestured towards the fire in utter exasperation. "They're gonna know where in Equestria we are. So we can leave."

This gave Octavia pause.

Sensible.

Straightforward.

Challenging to argue.

and the genre savviness flips when it comes to having to possibly attend a party, very nice

“It was for her own good, Flash,” Octavia argued. “She was trying to make it as a musician. She wasn’t going to make it as anything acting like that.”

oof! this does make me want to read the fic this is a side story in, to see how Octavia seemed from the other side. i can imagine!

“Yep. And you’re living proof that they were wrong,” Flash said with a smirk. “You’re literally so uncool that there’s nowhere to go but up. I bet allergy meds would make you cooler than you are right now.”

nice, and also, relatable

“You mean… alcohol?” Flash asked.

it's a poison!

Just like that, the campgrounds were lit only as far as the bonfire could spread its warm glow. Only a dark fog lay beyond its wide dome, swallowing up trees and the front ends of wagons.

oof, magically enforced partying sounds like a nightmare. i guess i'm with Octavia here, as much as she needs to learn this friendship lesson!

She was the same, wasn't she? Frozen by the punch bowl. Stuck on the outer edge of everything.

Strangely enough, those early parties always had a dark dome closing in on her, too. Though perhaps not one that was quite so literal.

oh no, this is getting too relatable

And that was probably the moment that Octavia decided to have fun.

Out of spite.

Because, if she was being honest, being spiteful was how she got anything done at all.

oh no, this is getting too relatable

A party without the anxiety. Social niceties without the sweating and the panting. She could see why other ponies liked this stuff so much.

oh no, this is getting too relatable

The mistake was made. She was covered in mud and beer, having a brawl at a party. She had been chucked aside like a doll by a stallion who thought he held the secrets of the universe in his gigantic, empty skull. She was a little bit drunk and a lot confused, and she had officially made that everypony else’s problem.

ah, i never got to this stage at the parties i hated, maybe i missed some potential character growth there

“Guess you’ll have to wait a while longer on that drink of water,” Flash grumbled.

ah, i wonder what let them escape this one. Octavia letting loose? getting real about how Flash views her? i need to know because i am Octavia here

Link

Octavia clenched and unclenched her teeth. “Well. First of all, I think it’s more like we opened the doors when we agreed to work together,” she said. “And we get sent to the hallway when one of us has an epiphany. Not necessarily you.”

yay, genre-savvy in-character analysis! feels like a good TV show

“Fine, not moronic. Just impossible,” Octavia interrupted. “I certainly love the idea of a magical, space-and-time-bending hotel that truly believes in the magic of friendship. Sounds not the least bit trite, of course,” she muttered, dripping with sarcasm.

aww, but that actually sounds fun!

Flash made a face. “It’s raining? In Canterlot?” He followed behind Octavia at a slow pace. “I thought they had clear weather scheduled for the festival.”

that reminds me that they never did figure out even where they were supposed to "be" in the previous room

The moment they were out of the door's swing--in fact, probably a moment sooner--the wind sucked it closed once again. Octavia couldn't quite puzzle out how that was possible, but it did nearly catch her tail as it slammed shut.

ah, a fun pony-specific worry

It was a surreal feeling. First of all, she was in somepony else’s home-- an entirely unfamiliar place filled with unfamiliar smells and sights and sounds and patterns. Even so, it was a vacation home. A home that was hardly lived in, and kept in pristine condition. There were no rushed patch jobs, no attempts to fix things on their own, no mismatched decorations filled with sentimental value. Everything was… well, ship-shape and in theme.

ooh, another liminal space, love these thematically fitting environments that you're using

Flash laughed at that. A real, genuine laugh.

That was rather nice, Octavia thought.

aww! he's growing on her

Flash made a little sound, something like a scoff or a laugh. Something that brushed off her relative kindness as an anomaly.

aww

The first shower after the longest day she’d had her whole life.

i am exhausted just thinking about this

Flash looked down at himself. He ran a hoof through the fur on his chest, as if it were entirely foreign to him, and watched as the dirt crumbled off and dropped down onto the carpet. “That’s a good point,” he said softly.

ah, what a contrast!

Octavia hardly even noticed the way the paint seemed to be peeling in here. The way the walls were hardly decorated, and the furniture was sparse. The way it didn’t seem to match the rest of the house at all.

that does seem quite ominous

“Flash, honey?” the first voice murmured.

knew it! well, excited to see where this goes

Octavia remembered the way her sister had clung to Mistress Marevolous. How, when her mother challenged her, she would scrunch up her face and bow her head low, like she was trying to summon that infernal lasso. As if enough anger and rebellion would make it appear.

i am adoring this character moment, how do you do this?

Flash stood up, quite slowly. He seemed more than a little confused and disoriented. Then, all of a sudden, the conclusion of the memory dawned on him, and he whipped his head around to look at his flank.

just an amazingly oof way for a cutie mark story to go. wow, the dramatic possibility you extracted from this fun little bit of worldbuilding from a children's TV show... i am in awe

. “What sort of work do you think you can get with a cutie mark like that?”

“Defense.” Stoic scoffed and shook his head. “Useless.”

well you are quite good at making me hate Flash's dad here.

She looked down at Flash as if her height meant nothing. As if she would gladly land before and speak face-to-face, muzzle-to-muzzle, as perfect equals.

got to get our role models where we can, and augh, i love this!

Twilight Sparkle. A simple, awkward, teenage unicorn with a tremor in her voice and a worried look in her eye.

aww yessssss

“I’m sure it’s, um… good,” Twilight said. “Just not really my cup of tea.”

She looked at Flash as she said this. Not at the book-- at Flash.

oof! it's funny, i feel like i've been in both Flash and Twilight's horseshoes here, though i guess with different people at least

Stoic grumbled something to himself, then picked up his book once more. “One day, you’ll thank me,” he muttered as a final thought, before once again burying himself in his novel.

everyone's the hero in their own story

sublime character work backed up by the wonderful use of fitting environmental details, as always! not to mention the depth i feel in both Flash and Octavia's biographies and interactions. it says a lot how much i'm able to see of myself in aspects of Twilight and Octavia here, though i wish i had more of their banter. the banter was also really good. definitely hope you get around to finishing this one, mush!

Entry 3: Catch Us If You Can

Winner: N/A