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Oh boy here I go reviewing again.

So from the beginning, it’s a HIE this may be useful information for all you readers out there, next. 

Our adventure starts with our protagonist stranded in the desert, on the brink of death he is found by a bunch of minotaurs who after doing some minor introduction save him, with introductions I mean fighting by the way.

Our hero is in Equestria, yes but in a remote region far away from our dearly beloved lands, he is well into uncharted territory where savagery and banditism are the norm. Stuck in a very unkind situation, our hero has to adapt or die, and so he does. He manages to not freak out too much at everything, it is then explained that in this universe magic is free for everyone although it is frowned upon.

Our protagonist is introduced to magic and discovers his very own type, storm magic and wrath magic, both powerful on their own even more so if together. With this in mind he starts to work for the mercenary group that saved him, during a patrol of the city his partner knocks down a stand of a cat merchant, this angers the merchant who tries to harm the minotaur. 

After losing his temper the minotaur snaps the cat’s arms and calls it a day. Retribution is behind the corner though and they are both ambushed, the fight is a strenuous one and our protagonist doesn’t leave it unscathed, thus he will then ask for a magic potion, courtesy of the Boss of the mercenaries.

This has a cost however, he is sent away from the city in search of a fire Ruby hidden on a remote mountain far away, thus his journey begins. Once again in the desert he follows the animals to find an oasis and in it another fellow creature of this world, morphed into a human, is a changeling who wishes to make a meal out of him.

He fights her and after downing her captures her so she can teach him magic. The two grow on each other fairly quickly and thus our changeling is developing emotions that aren't her own, the mystery is still there. 

This is a quick recap, not the best one and of course it doesn’t contain any relevant spoilers, like well the names which are very creative and actually good. But what I would like to point out the most are the characters which are realistic in their evil, in a city where the strong commands you can’t have goody two shoes after all. 

It is this environment that makes our protagonist go from maybe a good natured guy into a vicious battle seeking barbarian. What I enjoy though is how the magic works, it’s not a talent that only the highest of noble can have, and it’s not a thinking ego, it’s just a force of nature like any other and I will love to see if our hero uses it as a human would, by finding loopholes in the laws and draining it all for power. 

These are the goods, now there are some bads.

The whole thing is barely over my expectations, the fact that the protagonist not only has magic but two very rare kinds really is stretching the disbelief of any reader, mine for sure. The fact also that the story is repeatedly interrupted to explain a joke or make one is not a good thing, it interrupts the flow of events leading to an alienation of the reader towards the world itself. This causes several problems, first and foremost is the fact that one has to double check every so often to avoid any kind of misconception regarding the story itself, and second of all it makes everything look like a big funny joke. I’m sure that in the imagination of the hero this is some kind of big universal joke but the fact that everything is taken so lightly doesn’t make the story cooler.

I’m not saying to make it a classic brooding edgy character, just to bring him back into reality. In an unknown dimension and in the middle of a terrifying place full of terrifying mythical creatures and being just a human, how can he be so calm? 

And finally, everything is too fast, we don’t get to experience the city, how it is run and what makes it what it is, we only see a portion of it during the market scene but that’s it. Honestly it could have used a chapter or two to set up the world where he is. 

SCORES:

Core idea: 9/10 honestly? The only thing that bogged this down is the human thing, use a minotaur or any other non pony species? It would have been a 10/10 in my book, the idea is thrilling and has a lot of potential, don’t waste it on recurring tropes.

Grammar: 7/10 minor errors are throughout the story but mostly it is the barren environment where everything could help a bit of detail. Loved the battle scenes though.

Pacing: 4/10 not good in my eyes, it is too fast paced and leaves you wondering if you missed a chapter, it is starting to be toned down a notch with the latest chapters but still try to improve on it.

Final score: 6.7/10 it is a good story, but it lacks polish. Try to magnify your spectrum by describing more of what the character sees around him, the emotions, the things he hears. All are important to allow a reader to descend into your character and live the story. 

For the Author, you are good, but you need to stop meddling in your own story. Sometimes it is good but too often makes it a bore. Do not be impatient and use only the world around the protagonist to describe it, not our own, or yours. That world is big, important and most of all wondrous, so squeeze it until it is dry. 

"the protagonist not only has magic but two very rare kinds really is stretching the disbelief of any reader,"

This sums up too many HIE stories I feel. And I've never figured out why 🤔.

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Power creep is an unfortunate reality