[Unpublished stories cannot be embedded]

Summary:
Thorax wants to visit a convention with his teacher Twilight, but it turns out she is sick. Not only due to he have a crush on her, Thorax decides to watch over her and help her get better.

A little romance story in an alternative universe where Thorax is a student of Twilight. 

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Overall opinion:

What I did like about this story was the storyline. If we put aside the fact it is from an alternative universe, it could actually be an episode of the show by its storyline. A problem occurs, in this case that Twilight got sick, and the main protagonist comes to the rescue. Also the story goes over the individual scenes in a good way so it is easy to understand what is going on. Furthermore the formatting is nicely done. A shorter starting and epilogue chapter, while the middle one, with the main story in it, gets the length it needed.

Though, what really stands out negatively is the writing style of the author, or more precise his wording. Despite having written a lot of short stories already, still the story is full of new authors errors which makes reading through the story more frustrating than a joy. Mainly adding the name of the speakers all the time even if it is only two or even one present in the scene or providing the exact amount of seconds passing while something happens. Also we get a lot of info on distances between characters and objects that have no purpose. All this is really killing the pace of the story too.

To give an example:

Then, the spoon entered Twilight muzzle and she clamped onto it. After that, she pulled her head back and the oats were in he muzzle on her tongue. Three seconds later, Twilight swallowed the oats and looked at Thorax with a pleasant smile.

"Wow, this is very scrumptious Thorax." Twilight said delightfully "Thank you for doing this for me." She told him.

"You're very welcome Twilight." Thorax said with a smile "Like you said friends should always help friends." He told her.

How this could be written instead:

When Thorax offered her the spoon, Twilight opened her mouth and allowed him to feed her. After swallowing the first spoon full of oats, she started to smile in delight.

“This is very good!” She said. “Thank you very much that you are doing this for me!”

Thorax smiled. “You're very welcome Twilight. Like you said, friends should always help friends in need.

Rating:
Story Idea: 8/10   Like I said, it would fit in the show if it wasn't an alternative universe. 
Romance  3/10  Yeah, it has some sort of buildup, but it is more or less Thorax just telling he loves Twilight without much else happening that is romantic till shortly before the end.
Entertainment Factor: 2/10 The many problems with the writing style and wording is keeping this story far behind its potential.

13/30

~ 5/10  

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Additional Feedback:
I really would recommend getting a pre-reader and an editor. The idea for your story is good and what you have in mind for the scenes to happen is also fine. But you need a second part of eyes for the pace of your story progress and to keep the focus on what is going on actually instead of measurements and therelike.

7466611
Your welcome