[Unpublished stories cannot be embedded]

Written by BezierBallad

Summary: Pharynx sleeps in. Again. Thorax decides to mess with him. Bad idea.

Also why does Pharynx keep muttering about some Maulwurf?

Analysis: This is a pretty fun story going off the idea of having fun with deep sleepers. It also goes to show why you don't mess with fighters when they are sleeping. Ponies get hurt. I enjoy Thorax's lighthearted and fun interaction of trying to wake up his brother who is dreaming about fighting a beast. Hilarity ensues. This is a clever story based on a clever idea mixed with a consequence for the goofing around.

Yeah, don't mess with an overprotective Changeling when he's tossing and turning in his sleep.

Spelling: 8/10 I feel like there is some improper usage of commas and some indecisiveness on how to describe the thought.

Here is an example of the comma problem.

Up until this present moment, everything was normal. Or at least everything was supposed to be normal.

Here is how I would have tried it.

Up until this present moment, everything was normal, or at least everything was supposed to be normal.

And here is some of the writer's thought choices.

None of those things explain why Pharynx hadn’t shown up to attend his duties, Thorax thought silently to himself as he sat down on his large, wooden throne in the middle of an even larger clearing of the hive.

“Pharynx!” Thorax quickly sat up to greet his elder brother—

(What is the point of the - thing? I can only assume that it's some kind of error.)

I would have gone with the second method he used. This switching back and forth made things confusing. Also, he forgot to capitalize the first letter in sentences after a character speaks.

The plot of the story: 9/10 I cannot deny the pure brilliance of this plot. Having Pharynx of all ponies having problems with heavy half-sleeping. This is a clever story, even though it does pain Thorax a little bolder than he usually is.

Story flow: 10/10 The story flows smoothly. The beginning sets up the problem well, the guards give a lot of hints that gain attention to the story, and the payoff is amazing. The little nod to a quote earlier in the story also adds a nice cherry on top.

Final score: 27/30 9/10

This story is funny and clever, keeping the readers invested in the story. I found it extremely funny and loved how the writer presented this idea with a character you wouldn't expect to be toyed with in his sleep. I'd recommend this story to anybody wanting a laugh and I can't wait to see more from this writer.

“Pharynx!” Thorax quickly sat up to greet his elder brother—

(What is the point of the - thing? I can only assume that it's some kind of error.)

Oh, sorry. That wasn’t an error actually. I’m glad you enjoyed this story either way. Thanks for the review!

Also, he forgot to capitalize the first letter in sentences after a character speaks.

Who’s “he?“

7230153

Up until this present moment, everything was normal. Or at least everything was supposed to be normal.

Here is how I would have tried it.

Up until this present moment, everything was normal, or at least everything was supposed to be normal.

Ah, I feel like I should point this out as well, the is quite a common practice in writing fiction, separating clauses to give a bigger impact. This way of writing emphasises the "supposed to be normal" portion, which your suggestion doesn't quite do to that extent. Also, it's sorta like simulating real-time thinking -- "everything is normal" is the first train of thought, then "everything is supposed to be normal" comes after that. Putting both into the same sentence makes it seem like they're in the same train of thought, which feels weird because they're contradictory.

It's maybe not technically accurate, but afaik it's an accepted stylistic thing. Kinda like putting a conjunction like "and" at the beginning of a sentence.

7230163
My bad. I was just notified about you being a she. I'm extremely sorry, and I will try to be more careful with assigning genders to the author in the future.

7230299
It’s fine. It happens.