Better late than never, right?

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dgHtjd_dvCuTkL30uShoANtyt0ySotbH48EusTjm-dY/edit

I still have to write the intro-outro, and I feel like there's about 500-800 words waiting to be cut from what I have (in addition to general "make it read better" editing), but I'm feeling better about the shape of this thing than I was before--even if it's wandered a ways from my original idea. If you've got thoughts on it, let me know; it's still very much a living document!

Alright, finished going over the chapter. Overall, I liked it. I think one of its strongest points was Carrot Top's personality and characterization. Her naiveté and simple nature are portrayed subtly, but effectively. I particularly liked the declarative, basic nature of her arguments, and the lame-ness of her comebacks and insults. She's no genius, but not to the excessive, archetypal level of most simpletons in fiction.

I also liked the thrust of her conflict/temptation. The Amulet does a great job of turning her own ideas on her. She considers her lack of ambition and her simple lifestyle to be good things, and the Amulet flips it around; those very things are what it uses to torture her.

But this is also where the first issue I had shows up. Carrot Top's character arc feels too condensed and abrupt. Her jumps from ignoring the Amulet's temptation, to being heartbroken by nopony remembering her, and then back to rejecting the Amulet...it all feels too fast to be believable.

I wonder if there is some adjustments that could be made to her confrontations with the Amulet to help make this a bit more believable. Perhaps instead of failing to tempt her, the Amulet directly asks her what she wants. And when she says her life is perfectly fine, the Amulet asks her to prove it. There's some of this in the middle, when she first talks to the Amulet as her husband. I like the subtlety of the ideas here, but the current version almost seems to lack thematic connections between all the parts of the story. I noted that the initial temptation doesn't seem to add much, and that still seems to be the case in hindsight.

This ties into my next issue; the intro and outro. Obviously, since they are not written yet, I can't judge their content. And I do think they are important, since they will help provide emotional grounding and context, which will help Carrot Top's character arc flow more smoothly.

Maybe the intro is where CT's ideals should be set up? That way, the Amulet can still throw them back at her, but it will still have some of the surprise of the current version.

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" Derpy asked.
"Of course!" Carrot Top smiled her most reassuring smile. "I have a nice life. Plenty of friends, a loving husband, a steady job...what could the Amulet possibly tempt me with?"

Or maybe, the intro and current opening scenes should just be cut entirely, and an in medias res approach would be better; after all, when she gets back to her house is when the story truly starts. It might also make a funny joke: her temptation/interaction was so bland, that there was nothing worth showing to the audience. Perhaps that bit with Twilight might be worth keeping/adjusting, and leave the rest to inference.

Finally, a lot of the side characters seem to have some rather out-of-character moments. Twilight being snippy and Ditzy not remembering her friend stand out the most. Is this the Amulet screwing with her, or is it a continuity error? If the former, it needs to be made clearer at some point.

Overall, I like what is here. I like the themes and nature of the conflict. But something about Carrot Top's arc and conflict is a bit too convenient, a bit too melodramatic, a bit too rushed. Of course, this is only the first draft, so that's normal. And if you have any ideas (or if any of my ramblings sparked better ideas), then I'll be happy to discuss them

6022527

Thanks for all the notes; you've given me a lot to work with!

The one thing I want to talk about, rather than just say "yes, I'll make it better:" I feel like the main idea didn't come through in my writing. At this point, I'm hoping that's mostly because I don't have an intro for it to compare against. To wit: none of the stuff except the unfinished intro-outro is real. The amulet is trying to trick her by letting her "succeed" too easily, letting her think she's successfully rejected it when the actual temptation still hasn't started. Twilight and Derpy in particular are two of the characters she talks to in the intro, and their interactions there and in the outro are (going to be) intended to contrast jarringly with how they act after she "succeeds" the first time--because Carrot Top's still in the Amulet's dreamspace that whole time.

6022747 As my comments noted, I suspected that the Amulet was messing with her. Obviously, I can't say how much an intro will help without seeing said intro, but it will hopefully make everyone's behavior more obviously off, rather than seeming like an authorial mistake.

It definitely needs to be broadcast to the reader more effectively, and the contrast will help with that. And while I dislike withholding information from the reader to create a cheap surprise, I think that more foreshadowing could put this story right on the line. Putting the idea that it is all fake into the reader early, then making it unclear if its reality or fantasy...it's a well-traveled idea, but that could be a good thing. There's also room for a thematic contrast; Carrot Top is a simple pony who likes things straightforward. And this scenario is anything but.

I'm going mostly-afk for the next couple of weeks, so I'm going to go ahead and post my revised version:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bdZ93TgjAHHc11yGNdcJdG1QiirCaw4yAatKj5s_9x4/edit

Not all CP's concerns are addressed at this point, but it's at least complete and edited. Any more feedback is welcome; otherwise, I'll take another poke at it when I'm able, and then probably call it good.

Version 3.0!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FiugBqgJX6UA-bEPHhlwu1IYvbnU6RyGswNr1ThUOVY/edit

I feel like this is about where I want it; I'm still open to making changes, of course, but I feel like this is basically postable as-is.

The one thing I still really want is for FoME to glance at my Derpy portrayal, and make sure it synchs with what he's got going. I read his chapter before writing her stuff, but since he's the one doing Derpy, I'd rather conform to him if he thinks anything doesn't match up quite right. I'mma go poke him about that now.

Any further suggestions are very much appreciated, but I think this is in pretty good shape, thanks to big assists from clever and kai!

6115056 You could PM FanOfMostEverything, or I could.

As for the chapter, I think it looks pretty good. I made some minor notes, but overall I agree that the current version is post-able.

If I had one major criticism, it would the descriptions. A lot of the descriptions in the story are bland, blunt, or abrupt. In particular, the descriptions of emotion and body language tend to be particularly beige.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing. None of the descriptions were boring, none of them hampered the reading experience. And one could make the case that having a more simplistic, unadorned narrative style is thematic; after all, that's how Carrot Top is being portrayed.

My only worry is that this narrative style gives the whole thing a very rapid pacing. The story only lingers on a few select scenes (like the first "real" confrontation with the Amulet), and everything is covered very brusquely. Again, this might have been intentional. But some of the scenes could benefit from a slightly slower, more contemplative pacing (like Carrot Top's rejection of the Amulet, or her breakdown after illusory Ditzy doesn't remember her). And this needn't be extreme.

So basically, I still agree with my initial criticism--that the story is a bit too abrupt and condensed--but it's not as bad as it was in the first draft. And with a bit more tweaking (I think the opening and closing scenes helped), it'll be at just the right spot.

6116890

Good to hear! The simplicity and, as you put it, brusqueness, are largely intentional, but if it's a bit too much, then that's certainly something I can tone down. Or tone up, I guess. I'll look over the notes you left and make some fixes tomorrow, and let you know if I've got any questions about what you gave me after that.

(Also, I already PMed FoME, and he said he'd take a look at it. Guess I should have mentioned that )

6116920
Beautiful stuff. I'll definitely need to make use of the Buffy-speak/malaprop/improvisational lingusitic jazz session-ma-bob thing you've devised for Best Pony.

And, you know, work on my entry in general.

Version 3.5!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FiugBqgJX6UA-bEPHhlwu1IYvbnU6RyGswNr1ThUOVY/edit

Same link as last time; this is still basically version three, but with a few textual corrections and setting adjustments to bring it into line with the other chapters. I also added a few hundred words (and re-wrote a few hundred more) aimed at making the emotional high points of the story feel less brusque and vague, while still keeping the prose simple and un-florid throughout. Pretty happy with the result!

6136531 Your chapter is now posted