https://docs.google.com/document/d/17q3DteMxgus_9tVh25NCuVaGjOw4kUEdSVDHl7_N51o/edit?usp=sharing Sorry for being so late but I had exams. This is what I managed to whip up so far.

The changeling can be rendered nameless but I'd still like to have him be somewhat unique because it helps.

I may change/expand the ending a bit.

If there are any mistakes do tell me. I'm a little rusty but I'm ready for anything.

Finished going over the chapter. I mentioned most of these in the google doc already, but I'll repeat them here so that I can explain each of them a little better.

Introductory/non-essential clauses and commas: the story often fails to put commas in the correct spots. Whenever you have a clause in a sentence that introduces things, or doesn't add to the meaning, there needs to be a comma (or commas) there to make it flow smoother. Some of your sentences did have these in the correct spot (I tried to note them when I saw them), but in general, there were a lot of meandering sentences that lacked correct commas.

Sentence smooshing: this is something I notice often in fanfiction. Instead of letting each sentence stand on its own, they have been smushed together with commas. It makes each one harder to read, because they all blur together. It's sort of the equivalent of talking too fast in real life. The words and sentences come so close together that greatly hampers comprehension.

Passive voice: A lot of the sentences in your story use passive phrasing. Instead of stating things so that the subject is taking an action, they are phrased so that the subject has an action performed on them. It's a common writing style, and it can often suck the life from a scene. Here's an example;

That was the first fact that motivated Chrysalis to research the area. The speed at which this miniature fortress was built was at the very least alarming.

Both of these sentences are phrased passively. Here's how they might look when rephrased with active voice;
Chrysalis had decided to research the area after learning that. The speed at which this miniature fortress was built alarmed her, at the very least.
Now, Chrysalis is the one taking the actions in these sentences. The facts didn't motivate her, she decided to. The speed of construction is alarming her personally, not just being stated as such.

Capitals: I'm a little biased here, but I felt that the huge amount of capitals used for emphasis was overkill. Capitals can imply volume, but even then they should be used sparingly.

Now with all that grammar and stylistic stuff out of the way, we can get to the major plotting issue. Chrysalis' motivations and character arc is not clear for the majority of the story. Part of this is the copious amount of headcanon thrown into the mix; it bogs the story down without showing us very much about her character.

I think the bigger issue, whoever, is that the reason that Chrysalis rejects the Amulet—the themes and thrust of her conversation with it—are too vague. I said in your outline that I like the idea of the chapter; that Chrysalis is all ready to accept the Amulet's power, but then it inadvertently offends her pride. But that idea is sort of absent from this draft. She still rejects the Amulet because of her pride, but it's not clear why.

Picture this instead; Chrysalis enters the room, and starts scanning the room. The challenge isn't that she is tempted, however, it's that she can't figure out a way to take the Amulet without triggering the various security measures and alerting the guards.

Perhaps she hypnotizes the guards, or casts an illusion spell on the cameras, then hits a wall when it comes to the Amulet's case itself. While she is sitting there trying to figure out a way to steal it, the Amulet asks her if she needs help.

Naturally, Chrysalis scoffs at the idea; she is the one doing the stealing here. The Amulet then tries to explain that they want the same thing, so it should let it help her.

Perhaps she reluctantly agrees, and the Amulet using her magic and body disturbs her (room for a bit of irony there).

Or perhaps she puts the Amulet on and it does all the things she did—unlocking the doors, knocking out the guards, etc.—but in a much smaller timeframe, with much less effort. Naturally, she can't accept being made useless, and so puts the Amulet back.

Or perhaps she refuses, wanting to do things herself. The Amulet tries to talk up how powerful it is, how it could help Chrysalis, how easy it would be. And Chrysalis stops prodding at the case, and realizes just how much of an insult that is to her own abilities.

There's lots of ways one could approach this. And again, I like the idea that Chrysalis rejects the Amulet because she refuses to learn something. It's a nice counterpoint to all the other chapters. The current version just gets bogged down in headcanon and vague character motivation.

In spite of these issues, I did enjoy parts of the chapter. Some of the descriptions were very engaging without being overly long-winded. When you take the time to describe things well, it's engaging without being obtrusive. The things in-between those parts, however, tended to get muddled more than I would have liked.

6020126 As far as the grammar thing goes... I'm still struggling in general to try and learn many of the rules, and force of habit doesn't help on that matter so there's that. ((doesn't help that I'm Greek either so fuck that)) But I'll see what I can do.

 think the bigger issue, whoever, is that the reason that Chrysalis rejects the Amulet—the themes and thrust of her conversation with it—are too vague. I said in your outline that I like the idea of the chapter; that Chrysalis is all ready to accept the Amulet's power, but then it inadvertently offends her pride. But that idea is sort of absent from this draft. She still rejects the Amulet because of her pride, but it's not clear why.

The intention here was to have her reject it because it would be it in control and not her, and that would make her look weak in regards to willpower and determination. You know... weak as a character.

Perhaps she reluctantly agrees, and the Amulet using her magic and body disturbs her (room for a bit of irony there).

Perhaps she feels like a victim, like a parasite's victim and it feels like she is nothing? That could work.

Naturally, she can't accept being made useless, and so puts the Amulet back.

I don't follow. Wouldn't she be far from useless at this point?

Or perhaps she refuses, wanting to do things herself. The Amulet tries to talk up how powerful it is, how it could help Chrysalis, how easy it would be. And Chrysalis stops prodding at the case, and realizes just how much of an insult that is to her own abilities.

I don't exactly follow. As in she thinks she can do it like the Amulet is accusing her to be too weak to overcome this trial?

There's lots of ways one could approach this. And again, I like the idea that Chrysalis rejects the Amulet because she refuses to learn something. It's a nice counterpoint to all the other chapters. The current version just gets bogged down in headcanon and vague character motivation.

Headcanon could be removed but then again the character itself has little going for her and I can do little to set her up with just the Canterlot Wedding events in mind. Much of her is unknown so I can't say much without unavoidably going down that road.

Like some comments said some view changelings feeding entirely on love and that for me doesn't make any sense unless you say how it can be quantified and measured. Again it's not mentioned how much love they need, how often, and if they are starving or not. So it could go either way.

All in all it kinda makes me queazy inside because I feel like I fucked this up major.

6020140

I don't follow. Wouldn't she be far from useless at this point?

Nah, she feels like the Amulet is the one doing all this stuff, and that she'd be nothing without it.

All in all, it kinda makes me queasy inside because I feel like I fucked this up major.

Never get too attached to a draft. A large part of writing is deleting a bunch of stuff you've written and then trying again. My Pinkie Pie chapter is in its fourth iteration and this is only the second one I've finished. You haven't screwed up, this is all just a part of the process.

6020140 It's like you said; the reason she rejects it is because the Amulet would be in control, not her. The examples I provided are some potential ways to illustrate that to the audience. You can't be too blunt about it, but there are ways to show her feelings to the audience. If the Amulet is doing all the work for her, then she wouldn't be useless, but she would feel useless. If the Amulet is talking up its own abilities, making itself seem powerful, then that might set Chrysalis off: after all, if the Amulet is so powerful, and it claims she needs it, what does that say about her?

I think that Chrysalis has enough fan speculation around her that some headcanon is acceptable. My point was, the chapter has too much, too quickly. Instead of introducing the headcanon gradually, and only when it's relevant, it dumps a lot of details on the reader, and a lot of them are only tenuously related to the plot of the chapter. If the point of Chrysalis' arc is her pride, then we need to learn about her pride, not all her different names or her history with the zebras or whatever else. Obviously, you can illustrate that a lot of ways, but the stuff that was there felt rather tangential to me.

And don't worry. Like 6020892 said, a large part of writing is rewriting. A first draft is never going to be perfect. The fact that you've been receptive to criticism so far is great. (You'd be surprised how many writers I've met that refuse to change their writing for any reason.)

6020892

6021158
Ok so in the same document further below the original I've written almost everything up until the moment of rejection. I know that the character of Madame Mirage ((the scene)) needs a bit of refinement but I'd like you guys to tell me what you think since I'm going hometown this weekend.

6021158

6020892
Alright check it out now. There are still things I want to iron out, and maybe expand, but for now this is enough.

6026393
I'll try and get to it next week.

6026393 I'm still having trouble with my Luna chapter, but I'll take a look afterwards

6027142

6028209
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Ni4-EoNSrPMOthX0WydRLhVz-uN38EhdcT7mvBKspoc/edit?usp=sharing The rewrite has a new link.

6111458 I read the new version, and I must say I liked it a lot more than the previous one. Keeping the number of characters down puts more focus on Chrysalis. We spend more time with her, and it shows us more of her motivations and character. The ending in particular, with her hammy monologue, felt very in-character for her.

The Amulet also put up a good show. It's sycophantic act was so ridiculous, in a good way. It also makes sense; after all, Chrysalis would be used to others bending over themselves to serve her.

The only semi-major issue I found was Chrysalis' rejection of the Amulet. The reasoning is solid, it just happens too quickly. Perhaps the Amulet says something, or does something, that would imply they would rule as equals, and that is what sets Chrysalis off? ("You dare to presume we are equals?")

Aside from this point, and a few other small ones, I think this is a great chapter. It definitely more streamlined and easy to read than the first draft.

6113490
Hmmm you have a point. I will expand this when I can. I'll take care of it next week after my exams.

6119753 Is this chapter going to be ready for posting next week? I understand you have exams, and that is of course more important. I still think the current version of the chapter is fine, but if you want to make any small adjustments, you still have some time.

6136576
I will get to it later today. Exams aren't that of a rush rn as I'm in the last thing. So... yeah. I guess?

6136576
Check it right now. Not the best I could do but I can still change it.

6111458 This chapter is now posted. I had to go through and fix a lot of typos/minor things, mostly dialogue punctuation. I suppose it may be partly because of the language difference, but a lot of the dialogue was punctuated oddly. If you need a refresher about how to punctuate dialogue in American English, this page has a good rundown.

I also made some minor stylistic edits; removing redundant passages/adding in words to remove sentence fragments, and changing some spellings to the American version over the British one (in order to maintain consistency across the story).

Again, I think most of it is due to the language barrier, and none of it was too much of a big deal.

6192688
No problem. Big thanks to you for taking the time to do this. I hope you liked my contribution.

6193137 Due to reader complaint critique, I edited the line about the "500 pegasi... etc." The line is still there, I just removed all specific numerical references. Hopefully this makes the chapter seem less disparate. I also edited Twilight's line about "prodding my mind" to make it a little vaguer.

6193306
I'm fine with that.