On GDocs:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1JFwfrnzBAo214oiEC75-S-bXbpIVcRVIGWdWHvsPkJ0/edit?usp=sharing

Don't really have a specific chapter title in mind yet.

Alright, I finished going through the chapter. As with all critique, this is only my opinion. And just because I’m the chief editor/project lead, doesn’t make my opinion any more or less valid than anyone else’s. With that said, here’s what I thought.

Firstly, I thought that the way Starlight's temptation plays out is portrayed very well. For a large portion of the story, Starlight Glimmer tempts herself. Not only is this a departure from the usual trend, it also fits in with her nature. She's a little bit studious, a little bit control freak, and the fact that the Amulet presents her with an idea and lets her convince herself that it is a good idea is quite nice.

Following on this, the Amulet's influence is portrayed delightfully subtly. The line between her thoughts and the Amulet's blurs very well. For a good portion of the story, it looked and sounded like she was talking to herself. And then ,when she finally calls out the Amulet for influencing her, it doesn't reply. I love subtle vagaries like that; was the Amulet planting thoughts in her head? Was it influencing and amplifying thoughts that were already there? Or was she talking to herself, and the Amulet let her do all the work herself? I love it when the reader is left to interpret events for themselves, and this is a great example of that.

To contrast with this, however, I noticed some issues.

Most prominently: technobabble. There are huge swaths of technobabble and buzzwords. I actually started skimming them after a while, because of how incredibly dull they were to read through. Even the ones I did read through, I didn't feel like I grasped what they meant or their import.

You mentioned that part of this was intentional, in order to establish Starlight's character. And that's all well and good; establishing her as a nerd by using technobabble is fine. But when you use it so copiously, it starts to become grating and space-filling. When it is presented in a blunt and unengaging way, it loses the reader's attention.

What's worse, there is some important information buried among the technobabble, and it doesn't receive proper focus or explanation. What retrodivination (retro-divination?) is, and what it allows the user to do, are never properly laid out for the reader. I know what it is from reading your outline, but a reader going in blind won't have that information, and won't get it from the story. It needs to be given more focus and explained better within the story, since the entire plot hinges on it.

If you want to have some technobabble for characterization, one way to make it more engaging might be to put a comedic spin on it. Perhaps examining the Amulet causes Starlight to remember some time she was talking to Trixie or Twilight or somebody. An example;

All two of the journals about chronocasual logistics discussed it. Starlight had taken entire minutes to explain it to Trixie, once. Trixie had seemed so interested, asking about what Starlight was studying. It really wasn't difficult. Scrying into the past was only possible because it backtraced the causality that led to the present moment. It was such a simple concept, but Trixie had just sat there, drooling slightly. Starlight shook her head.

This technobabble also adds to another problem; there are long stretches where nothing happens. Remember, stories thrive on Conservation of Detail: if something is not important to the story, do not show it to the audience. There's some wiggle room here, obviously. If something is amusing or interesting, then the audience will forgive it pausing the story. But this chapter has a lot of things in it that are neither interesting nor forward the plot. As I mentioned in the GDoc, the first 900 words are neither particularly interesting, nor forward the story much. This problem persists past those first 900 words (although that was the biggest chunk of it I saw).

The conclusion is abrupt/there is a lack of conflict in how Starlight overcomes the Amulet's temptation. One moment she is incredibly attached to the idea, and the next she is thinking only about its negatives. This is partly justifiable; you characterize her as a very overly-analytical pony and her past decisions are a major part of her character arc. But I feel like her rejection happens too suddenly to be believable. Slowing it down a bit could make it have that much greater impact. Perhaps there could be a longer period where she's enamored wit the idea, and the fulcrum of her self-argument could come more abruptly.

Finally, I agree with Kai Creech that the reason for it being kept from Starlight is extremely insufficient. If part of the conflict is supposed to be between Twilight and Starlight, then the circumstance seems contrived. Maybe Twilight didn't trust Starlight after all? But then, that has its own contrivances. Your original outline had Starlight as going in on guard against the Amulet, and I think this fits a lot better. After all, if she underestimates it/overestimates herself, that would only make it that much easier for her imagination to run away with the possibilities of what she could do.

If you have any questions, or if one of my suggestions is not clear and needs further explanation, don't be afraid to ask

6008959 comment so will get a notification (because I forgot to put it in my previous comment)

6010222
I'm kind of thinking of doing a new draft of this chapter written from the first person perspective instead of third person, although I'm not sure yet. Most of what's important in this one is supposed to be very much in Starlight's mind, and I'm running up against how much of a challenge that can be to make engaging from an outside perspective. On the other hand, I think it's possible and has certain advantages in that the third person tends to be more trusted to be a reliable narrator, on top of the fact that I already have a third person draft which might make it less work to just keep revising that, so... could go either way, I guess.

6010535 I always warn writers of over-relying on first person. It is often used as a crutch to make the writing process easier, even when it doesn't fit the characters or story.

In this case, I thought the third person worked pretty well. Like you said, people take third-person narration at face value more often, and that makes the Amulet's influence on Starlight's thoughts a bigger surprise.

On the other hand, putting it in first person could also make that line between Starlight's thoughts and the Amulet's influence easier to blur and more prominent. I said that was one of the chapter's strengths, and writing in first person could be a way to emphasize that.

Ultimately, I'd say it's a toss up. First person has its pros and cons, just like all other styles of writing.

6008959 Do you have an ETA for completion, and do you need any further advice/edits?

6143034
I'm finished with my chapter.

6144438 This chapter is now posted. I made a few edits to make some of the sentences flow smoother, to make it fit better in the continuity of the other chapters, and to make some of the stylistic and punctuation elements be consistent. All pretty minor stuff though.

6206175
Thanks!