The Crystalling 2.0 Sombra's True Return by JohnDarkBlaze15

Over the course of the series, the My Little Pony's cast of characters encountered various villains, each concocting their own nefarious plans. I found some of them, like Queen Crystallis, to be vastly interesting. They provided natural-looking development for the protagonists, at least through my filter. There were a few that were more forgettable than others in that the stakes they had for victory were two dimensional and rigid.

King Sombra arguably falls under the latter category due to the form of his interaction with the rest of Equestria. My best picture of him still describes him as this vague, oppressive darkness that looms over the hearts of the Crystal Empire ponies. I believe he represents uncertainty in ponies' abilities to push past their own limitations and build close bonds with one another. Every episode concerning the Crystal Empire certainly feels structured that way, and Sombra's influence, though tenuous, feels appropriate to me.

We can see those same qualities about him brought to life in this narrative. While he took on a more active presence here than in the show, which ultimately didn't give me the satisfying climax that I was looking for, the problems he presented to the characters along the way were interesting and challenging for them to overcome. I still can't say whether or not it was the antithesis they needed for their development, but the setup definitely made it possible.

The flow and transition of the story in the first half of the story felt smooth. With the exception of a couple of easy spelling mistakes (I saw "truely" instead of truly, and "seemingley" instead of seemingly for example), I didn't notice much in the way of grammar I could point to improve. Certainly, nothing that wouldn't be immediately caught by applying a fine-toothed comb (i.e. twilight instead of Twilight for one instance, and one instance of missed white space between paragraphs).

Pacing in the latter of the story seemed to falter somewhat, although that may have to do more with some of the details that hadn't been fully fleshed out than with the execution of the focal plot points. The Crystal rebels that fought King Sombra, for example, only seemed to have names to distinguish them apart from one another, but other aspects about them that fueled their cause were lackluster or just not there. It's not needed to understand why they'd be against King Sombra, for the show adequately gives the audience ample reason for them to do so, but that lack of detail makes them feel rigid and potentially stunts the growth of the Mane 6 and Starlight as well. Basically if I wasn’t told they were necessary to stop King Sombra, I wouldn’t see the point behind their presence from a design standpoint.

Additionally, there are a few ideas in the story that felt out of place or don't quite make sense to me. I'll just go over the major ones I found to provide a sense of what I mean. Starlight's and Sunburst's reunion, for example, they each explained how they fell away from each other as friends. When Starlight didn't receive return mail from Sunburst, she apologized for not trying harder to hold onto his friendship. The act of sending mail suggests to me that she was already trying everything in her power to do just that; Suntrust's lack of willpower to send anything in response would normally suggest to someone that that person moved on with their lives.

When Twilight approaches Starlight later about their reunion, she suggests that Starlight harbors feelings for him, though that was essentially their first time speaking to one another in years. This particular idea felt forced and out of place, as I don't believe it was ever mentioned again.

There are a few other things I found odd as well, like how Starlight had a conversation with the Mane 6 two months after her attempt at revenge that probably should have taken place just a few days after instead, or like how the Mane 6 were referred to as the the Mane 5 when one of the characters was missing from the group. It’s slightly jarring to me because it suggests that that character is no longer a ‘Mane’ character. Instead I posit that it would be more accurate to denote ‘Mane 6 minus so-and-so character.’ I would recommend caution when using the term entirely, as it can be dicey to use outside of the third-person omniscient perspective, but here it works out since the narrator of the story doesn’t appear to be any one of the characters.

I’d like to leave you off with one final note before reaching my verdict. This isn’t as major, but I noticed that some of the dialogue, particularly in the beginning sections of the story, wasn’t quite what I expected out of the characters. I’ll just give you an example.

"Well, that's understandable," Spike says, "After all, it has been many years since he left you in your sorrow to plot an evil plan to brain-wash ponies into being your friend," he adds bluntly.

This sounds like something that Spike might try to convey, but I don’t think he’d be able articulate it this well. I just think some of the characters’ dialogue needed to be punched up slightly to make it work out better.

There’s a lot more that could be said here, At the author’s request, I could provide more examples, other notes I took while reading, and detail about the usage of the present tense, but I feel I’ve covered all the major topic points I wanted to discuss. I hope this review has been helpful, and I enjoyed it overall despite my rejecting this story at this time. I look forward to reading more from this author in the future.

Verdict: 5.5/10 (Reject)

I honestly don't know why it's taken me this long to respond to your review, but better late than never, I suppose!

First of all, thank you very much for taking the time to review my story. I truly appreciate any and all feedback I receive for my stories, especially older fics like this one. Looking back at the fic now, I can definitely see the problems with a lot of my earlier writing which you have outlined above. At the time of release, I was still a somewhat novice fanfic writer in general; I was not fully aware of or understanding of the various nuances of story-telling, particularly with the age-old critique "show, don't tell." Therefore, I completely agree with the critiques, suggestions, and compliments you provided in your review.

I consider this pic a personal favorite of mine, both for the story concept and the overall structure fo the plot, so I would like to go back and make some revisions, both the ones you provided as well as any others I see fit to change to better reflect my current standards for writing fanfiction. If you still have them, I would love to see the other notes you mentioned towards the end for my story to help me better understand where the faults in my writing truly lie. Thanks again for your review and I look forward to revisiting this story in the future!