Title: After Life
Author: JohnDarkBlaze15
Amount read: All
Verdict: 5/10 Reject

Hey! Thanks a ton for your submission! I loved reading your fic, I could tell a lot of thought went into this story and how you wanted to tell it. It’s an interesting idea and I found the way you presented it to be new and something that separates you from the rest. But having said that, there are flaws, but that’s okay! We all have them and I’m excited to share them with you because you are underappreciated and full of potential and I really want to help you unlock it a bit more.

Let’s start with more of the specific stuff:
"Well, I guess there's nothing I really can do,"

The problem with this is that you didn’t allude to this sentence previously. You put stress on the can which implies that she said something before which is important to read. Maybe if she said “What am I going to do?” beforehand, but she doesn’t. I can imagine there was something like that beforehand which was accidentally removed but make sure you watch out for things like that. It caught me off guard and made me re-check because I initially thought I had glossed over something previously.

I also am a little confused why you wrote this in present tense. Present tense is to be used sparingly in fiction. It’s jarring, and off-putting, and can quite often draw your audience from an otherwise interesting story. I recommend more of a past tense style, and whilst it is pretty stock standard sort of writing, I like to think of it more as a blank canvas. Present tense is similar to first-person perspective where it’s used as more of a stylistic thing, rather than actual backbone for your writing. I’ve noticed you do this with your other fics too, so I really recommend having a more in-depth look at how you write tense.

Pacing is difficult, I still really struggle with it, but you tend to go very fast, glossing over things that are really important. You told us about how they have all these heartfelt moments, but because we didn’t get to feel those heartfelt moments, when it was time for AppleBloom to say goodbye, it wasn’t as emotionally effective as I could sense you wanted. Remember to build those moments from the ground up, it’s easy to say; “they had a great time and loved each other very much”, but to show it? That’s where the tears and the real emotion is at. Remember to find that balance between show and tell.

On the overall plot, it was interesting! You have some really good ideas! But I feel it would have really benefited from more development of Applebloom’s and her parent's relationship. I feel like that would naturally make the choice to leave harder for her, giving the entire thing more power and justification. It’s an interesting premise and I would really like to see more of it! It could really benefit from like a deep and meaningful with Pear Butter or something. In all honesty, you could easily pad out AB’s time with her parents. Add a minor complication even, but this would have been an awesome medium-sized fic.

That may sound like a lot to deal with, but the best way to take on criticism like this is to write down the points and have it next to you whilst you write. It just comes in practice and soon you’ll just naturally improve. Overall, as I said, you have so much potential and I really did like this fic, unfortunately, there were just some fundamental flaws that mean I have to reject this fic. But that doesn’t even matter, this is all about improving and developing. I truly do hope you continue to write on this site, I’d love to see more!

Thank you very much for taking the time to review my story, it really means a lot to me as a writer! You made some very good points that I've honestly never really considered before when writing fanfiction. I was not aware of the dangers of using too much present-tense, so I thank you for enlightening me on that subject.

As far as pacing and glossing over bits, in the past, I've always felt like certain story ideas of mine would not do as well if they were made too long and people became disinterested in reading this long story. In hindsight, however, I agree with your point in that having a bit more length would help, and your pointing this out will definitely make me reconsider some of the narrative choices I've made in the past.

Thank you very much for reviewing my story and giving me more insight into the world of writing fanfiction!

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You're more than welcome good sir! The best feeling in the world is seeing someone take that criticism and using it to improve and grow. I very much hope to see you submit again!