What the hell am I even doing?

I have been stumbling through life. Never really achieving the goals I set for myself. All I do is dig an even bigger hole for my coffin, so that I can just sit there and wait for my eventual demise...

I often feel like I have no future. That I'm just some geek looking at the world with a jaded disposition. And that I'm often not here. Most of the time I am barely aware of my immediate surroundings. Plenty of times I just concentrate on all the little mistakes I have made in my life and think that all I have done is come short of the goals that I have set for myself.

At the end of the day. I feel that I'm just a failure. That I'm twenty-two years old, and I'm only NOW finishing a career. That I notice the fact that I'm loosing my mind and that everything I do just leads to more grief. If it wasn't for my often morbid sense of humor and the fact that I do have friends. I would have hanged myself with some of the rope I keep in the shed....

People say I'm smart. But I often feel like the biggest idiot in the room. Sure I know a thing or two. But what the f**k have I done with that? Have I written a book. Have I started proper busyness....? I am just slowly watching the world build up to a grand catastrophe. And yet I have barely any money to myself. Or any sort of power to actually do anything about it. Hell, I can't even go a week without looking at all the opportunities I let pass by. That makes me want to go to a sleazy bar in the bad side of town, piss off some cutthroat, and then proceed to get myself properly murdered.

I'm just a burden to my friends and family. They care, they say that I am useful. But I can't really reach as far as want to. All I do is realize that I'll never even be as capable of man as father was in his day. Hell, at twenty-one he was scouted by Lockheed Martin. (Even is he did turn them down.) I just can't live up to that. Hell, I can't live up to my own standards. Most days, I often walk around town after my classes, like I was in some sort of lucid dream. A dream that I can't get out of, and that I don't want to be in.....

If only I was smarter, more energetic, better looking.... Who the hell a I kidding? I'm just a whining pathetic excuse of man. With no future, and no heading. Sure. There are billions of people that are worst off than me. Yet I feel that they are better people than I am.... They just had bad luck. Me? I was just f**king stupid.... Hell, I'm still f**king stupid. I brought this crap upon myself.

I just wish that I was worth the effort to help. What am I even doing here? I'm just complaining...

I guess that blues is in order...

I've pulled myself together.... Thank you Cynic and Shade. You'r worth a million.

Now. I'll leave you guys with the blues. For it heals the soul.

4333739 Hey, this is a help group! You're supposed to come to us when you're feeling troubled.
I'll say it quickly: You ARE NOT a failure. You're a great guy, one of the nicest I know!

4333754

Thank's ... I guess that is reassuring. Somewhat.
Now If only could finish that book.... Ah, to hell with it. I'll get the coffee and continue were I left of in that project....

4333754 But really... That means a lot.

4333739
No matter how many people tell you that you don’t measure up, don’t let that color how you see yourself. If you make mistakes, then you make mistakes. This "people" include yourself.

That does not mean that you are anything less than wonderful. You are not a failure. If you had a job that didn’t work out, then it was a learning experience. The same goes for a relationship that ended.

You learned what not to do! All of those experiences (not failures) have taught you valuable lessons.If you stay in the negativity and let it define you, then you have been defined by something other than you. You need to define you.

This is the only way you will find happiness. Define the true you and don’t let anyone treat you in a way that makes you feel worthless. Think of all the good things that you have done, and let those good thoughts fill your heart.Next time you catch yourself having negative self thoughts, I want you to say the word ‘stop’ in your mind and remember that you are a beautiful person who deserves better than being call a failure. YOU DESERVE BETTER. Remember that.

And a career already at a age of 22? That is impressively young! You say you feel you will never be as great as your father. But ARE you your father? No. You are not him, and will never be. But that only means you have greater possibilities! Because you are young, and if you find a goal and work hard for it, then there is no limit for how great you can be! It might just take a longer time for you than it did for your father.

Never apologize for not being good enough because you are a person with value who deserves happiness. Even if you feel like you don't deserve anything, the fact is, that you do. You DO deserve everything. You deserve love, happiness and friendship. Why, you ask?
Why not? Everyone deserves this, and you are no expection.
Don't let others abuse you, and don't abuse yourself. Let your spirit soar to great heights knowing that you are just fine. You are not a failure and never will be.
I know everything seems dark now, but I hope you will feel better soon!

4334074 Thanks. That was actually very touching.

But what I meant by finishing a career is that I will be graduating next year. I was originally a Mechanical Engineering student, but I found myself against a wall, and then started an Economy Major. I'm not going to be able to apply for a post-graduate though... Anyway. Yeah, I mean that I'll be out of college.

And I started college at the age of seventeen. So I lost a couple of years.