Another one, yet again. See, this is what happens when Draggy goes on a roll and passes a point where she clearly needed to stop, and kept on going just to see what would happen. This should HOPEFULLY be the last collab before Submissions and Pending get cleared out altogether, and though both of these fics are by different authors, here we're making an exception to the rule "don't review multiple stories unless they're by the same author." For good reason, mind you.

These two are Mature stories, share the exact same cast with little to no variation, are written very similarly, and come with the following tags: Adventure, Dark, Human, Romance, and Alternate Universe, although one of them also sports the Gore tag, but we'll discuss that juicy bit later. I've managed to get Hail into this, who was supposed to be in the last collab before being booted off the family computer. Word of warning now, I've only read the first two chapters of both of these stories. Hail, take it away.

I’m really, really not pleased with what I’ve seen from Divided. There’s almost nothing in it that I find likable, for reasons that I’ll explain later. However, it’s not completely hopeless. Hedge is more of a mixed bag.

Oh, and Divided's got an interesting short description: 'AKA: How the events of "Magical Mystery Cure" would throw a SERIOUS monkey wrench in the Xenoverse.' I haven't read the Xenoverse, so I cannot deny or verify this.

Divided Rainbow

Wordcount is 667,532 words long, divided into 44 chapters. It is still ongoing, and its chapters range from 1.7k to 39k.

faith… in humanity… depleting rapidly… If there's ONE THING that has been consistent thus far with stories of a length between 300k and 700k, it's that the stories seem to have inconsistent, often out-of-whack pacing between chapters. In fact, I had to add a Pacing category specifically for things like this. If you guys don't believe me, check out the Grading Rubric. Go ahead. I'll wait.

To quote said new category, for those who didn't bother to check first: "Only for stories as least as long as 100k and with chapters ranging drastically in number, or for stories reaching or exceeding a limit of five scene transitions per chapter. This one's a bit of a special grade, solely up to reviewer discretion." I REALLY hope we don't have to use this new category much in the future.

Yep, as always there’s absolutely no grasp of how to pace things. It’s a shame, as Hedge is actually kinda decent.

Grammar: 8.5/10; all-caps words are sometimes used in place of italics and/or bold, and I found one missing word and some parentheses here and there. Otherwise, solid.

It’s fairly solid, though there are occasionally some awkward constructions. Especially during the prologue. 7/10.

Characterization: And here is where the problems, pacing aside, OFFICIALLY begin. Rarity and Rainbow have been butchered, with only a fashion sense and athleticism remaining in the shreds thereof. They fall head-over-hooves for a human protag, who along with another pony that is alluded to but not seen from what I've read, is just a run-of-the-mill sort who strikes all the cliches with the subtlety of King Dainn and Lightning Dawn. (Don't ask, I've SEEN Fall of Equestria and My Little Unicorn.) Oh, and can't forget the inferiority complexes and self-depreciation. 1.5/10.

Rarity and Rainbow Dash are barely recognizable, the protagonist is insufferable (though I’ll have more on that later), and things only get worse when the fic gets to its actual plot. Even the actual episode didn’t butcher their characterizations this badly. 0/10.

Use of show canon: Used minimally, with some headcanon thrown in. Wonderbolts and Starswirl's journal are mentioned, Rarity's fashion sense is utilized a little bit, the marketplace is mentioned… and it treads into headcanon, with ponies being appalled at meat-eaters even EXISTING. Also, Rarity apparently makes her own mannequins in this 'verse, though she only reserves it for special cases. And it also has the headcanon that humans can't have kids with ponies. If such is the case, please explain satyr fics. Or centaur fics. Whatever your fancy. All in all… 3.5/10.

There’s some. It’s not substantial, and is frequently ignored in favor of whatever of the author’s headcanons are needed to make the (already forced) plot work. 2/10.

Plot consistency: Did not kick off all that well. It veers from first-person in the prologue, to third-person in the first chapter, which made it more than jarring enough that I could not continue. Despite that, it established SOME semblance of "I want to go from Point A to Point B" at the end of the first chapter. 2/10.

Starts extremely confusingly, though it gets better. It goes from being a huge mess, to being slightly less of a mess. It’s still not terribly easy to follow or terribly logical, but it’s better than the primordial word soup that was the first chapter. 4/10

Use of OCs: Here, we have two thus far: a human man named Lero, and a foal named Absinthe. Absinthe is… okay, being a curious little foal who spews too many questions for his own good, while Lero strikes up so many cliches it renders him bland. FFS, it doesn't even use the cliches WELL. 1.5/10.

Kind of a train wreck. Our main character adheres to every single Human-In-Equestria cliche, down to being the blandest human being imaginable. Like, seriously does he have any personality traits of his own? I can barely tell. 1/10

Coherence: Easy to follow, despite the flaws. Nonetheless frustrating, though. 6/10.

Easy enough to follow, past the very first chapter. 7/10.

Pacing: Intro starts at 1.7k, and the chapter immediately after jumps to 3k. After that, it keeps going out of whack. But, it maintains a limit of one or two scenes max, from what little I have seen. 2/10 for this alone.

There’s pretty much none. There’s barely any consistency in chapter length (not a great sign, generally) and scenes themselves tend to either be needlessly long or far too short. 1/10.

Extra things depending on genre: Romance is… cheesy, stilted, and played up for fetish fuel—almost like a certain other fic I know. Blah. 2/10. Dark and Adventure didn't kick off at all. 0/10 for both. AU and Human, damn straight. Both are most prominent here. 5/10. Sex? Mentioned in passing and, again, played up in fetish-related puns. 3/10.

Romance is actually there for once, but it’s horribly mishandled, derailing the characterizations of all involved. 2/10. It’s not terribly Dark, and it’s not really an Adventure, as far as I know. 0/10. AU and Human are accurate enough, so 7/10. They’re not used terribly well, but at least they’re present. Sex is nowhere close to being an accurate genre classification; in what I’ve read there’s only some brief, easy enough to miss, innuendo. 2/10.

Into the Hedge

Wordcount is 159,017 words long, divided into 11 chapters. It is cancelled, and also the one sporting the aforementioned Gore tag. Chapters range from 2k to 25k

And that pacing is why we can't have nice things.

Ok what the heck is going on with that pacing?

Grammar: 7.5/10; same issues, with the added bonus of asterisks and an action in dialogue when none should be there, but sans the missing words. Interestingly, there is some Irish present, although it may or may not have been translated via Google.

Passable, but honestly not that great. I’d recommend getting an editor or two. 7/10.

Characterization: We got an improvement here. Hell, we even have a justification for OOC moments that run rampant in the second chapter. Still, with Lero present, it's not as good as it could be. Thus, 5.5/10.

Noticeably improved, though still kind of stilted at times. 6/10.

Use of show canon: Another improvement on this front, with less headcanon to boot. The school, Cheerilee being a teacher, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon being bullies to the CMC (at least, until things go a wee bit sour), and the Everfree Forest are utilized. Potion making is also mentioned, as is magic music and changelings. Only thing that's off is, again, Lero's presence. 6.5/10.

This story actually acknowledges show canon in a way that isn’t completely surface-deep! I’m actually kind of amazed since I haven’t seen that in a while. 7/10.

Plot consistency: Establishes what it wants to do right away. And sticks to it, too. 5/10, due to sheer wordiness of chapter two in comparison to chapter one.

It knows exactly what it is and what it’s trying to do. 7/10.

Use of OCs: Lero has the same issues as before, with an added twist of being bound by a signed blood contract. We also have a Fae named Silk, who is a jorogumo (spider demon). In fact, Silk is the reason why the OOC moments in chapter two are justified; she basically kidnaps the CMC and hijacks their bodies in one go. All in all, 4.5/10.

Lero keeps dragging everything down. Silk is… interesting at least. Possibly a bit too weird, actually. 5/10.

Coherence: The blood contract thing threw me for a loop. As would the Fae spiel, IF MLP didn't already have Breezies and changelings pre and post-metamorphosis. 6/10.

Actually fairly coherent. But as Fox said, the lore’s a bit unnecessarily complicated and doesn’t necessarily fit too well with canon. 5/10

Pacing: Remember what I said about chapter two's sheer wordiness? Yeah, it's 9k words long, and laden with many scene transitions that are barely holding together. Compare that with chapter one, with only one scene transition and 2k words total. Not better, and not any worse. 2/10.

It’s rather unbalanced, with chapter lengths dramatically varying. The actual content of these chapters isn’t paced terribly well and could use some reworking as well. 3/10.

Extra things depending on genre: Adventure and Dark have certainly kicked off. It starts with the CMC treading through the forest, only to run into Silk and then kickstart the plot. In addition to that, their possession afterwards leads… to a messy confrontation with Diamond, which will be covered shortly. Which then heads into adventure-esque. 6.5/10 each. Alternate universe, hell yeah!

We got Fae folk and blood contracts and spider demons up in this hizzy, where none have been seen in show (sans Breezies and changelings). 7/10. Human and Romance… these two made me shake my head. Lero gets minimal screentime in comparison with hijacked CMC, and Romance was stilted when he was there. 3/10 for both. Sex? Not used, won't grade.

It’s actually an adventure and it’s actually dark! Wow! It doesn’t handle either of them especially well, but they’re both present. 6/10 for both! It’s most definitely an alternate universe, and doesn’t use that as an excuse, so 7/10! Human and Romance are both kind of messy, and this story probably would have been better without. 2/10 to both.

Touchy topics: Gore: -2/5. Played minimally, and off-screen at that. It's mentioned that Diamond winds up with a broken jaw and broken legs, courtesy of possessed CMC. Even for a school bully, I'm pretty sure she didn't deserve something that needlessly extreme.

Gore: Most definitely excessive, but at least there’s proper buildup. -2/5.

And now, the verdict. Divided nets 37/130, or 28.4%. Hedge nets 56/120, or 46.6%. Both are rejected, though if I had to choose, Hedge is the better of the two. I'd suggest scrapping these and starting anew from the ground up. Either that, or mend the pacing to be less like a series of complete clusterfucks, and doing away with some of the typical Human in Equestria cliches while you're at it. Make it more… consistent with amount of scene transitions too, because after five in one chapter I got pretty winded. Personally, I'd recommend a frame of 5k-9k words per chapter. Doesn't veer too wildly, and it's enough to cover all the tags and keep readers interested.

Divided gets a 40/130, or 30.7%. So definitely not great. It’s a cliched mess, and honestly I don’t know how to help it. I can only recommend rebuilding from the ground up. Hedge gets a slightly better 57/120, or 47.5%. So still rejected, just not as harshly. It’s not that bad; it mostly just needs some cleaning up.

I was tempted to grab one of those, until I noticed the Lero character. I've run into some of that stuff before, and it was never a pleasant experience.

5811090
I have never considered the number of scenes per chapter as something to be wary of. I'm glad I read this review.

Keep up the good work!

5811267 And you do see why I made the Pacing category a thing, yes?
5811410 Only be wary of it for McLargeHuges with wordcounts varying between chapters.