Everything Wrong With: Of Lilies and Chestnuts Prologue-Ch. 2
By: Prane
Sins by: BronyWriter
Spoilers
(duh)

Contrary to popular belief, not every day in Canterlot was a dream come true.

"Not everything in this awesome place is awesome" cliche. Ding 1

and the unicorns of the Weather Corps—the team responsible for weather management in Canterlot—were just doing their job.

Given what we know of the show, and as we're all fans we should have a basic amount of knowledge, we already know what the Weather Corps is and what it does. Ding 2

“You’ve mentioned that you had my test results, doctor?”

"have" wold be better here, since "had" implies she had them in the past, not currently. Ding 3

Fleur furrowed her brows, noticing the words FLEUR DIS LEE written at the top of the report. Where she came from, her name was spelled DE LIS, and although after so many years she had become accustomed to its Equestrian spelling she still couldn’t help but to consider it a mildly annoying inconvenience.

Not sure why she couldn't get the right spelling. There are people from other countries who immigrate to another one and keep the spelling of their name, even if it has a translation in the new language. I imagine on Fleur's birth certificate is says "De Lis." Medical professionals should certainly use that. Ding 4

Glancing over the pair of elliptic glasses, the doctor’s green eyes flickered with amusement.

Not sure how eyes flick with amusement, since amusement is expressed through more than the eyes. Expression would probably be better here. Ding 5

Fleur replied, giggled, and then shrugged.

If feels kind of clunky to make this a list. Ding 6

Oui, I used to be a supermodel for Carousel Enterprises, Toity By Design, and a few other fashion houses, mostly Canterlot ones. I must say, it is a challenging but rewarding line of work.

This is kind of a nitpick (though if you've read my other reading sins, you know I can be quite the nitpicky pegasus) but Fleur's dialogue doesn't really seem to match up with her accent. Given that she slips into her native Prench from time to time, I can imagine that she still has a rather pronounced Prench accent, but a lot of her dialogue is too casual, so lines like "I must say" don't really gel with that, especially since she's a high-class mare. Like I said: it's a major nitpick, but one that stood out enough that I felt the need to point it out. Ding 7

To resign from such an opportunity to pursue career was one thing,

I feel like a word is missing here. Something like "to pursue a career" maybe. Ding 8

After almost a year of trying to get pregnant she felt robbed of what defined her as a mare.

This is a common problem with the story: emotions are often told, not shown. Saying "she felt this" is boring. Having her talk to the doctor about it maybe would be more interesting and let us get into her head a little more. Ding 9

At the end of each chapter is one of these images and each one of them are awesome and adorable. I have no choice but to remove one sin for each of them. -Ding -1

Though Fleur didn’t smile even once over the course of those three days, today, as the scheduled storms had passed, her spirits were a bit higher. Not much, granted, but enough to muster the courage to step back into the world and, following her husband, pay a visit at the Canterlot Orphanarium.

This is really rushed and misses out on some good character growth. Earlier in the story she thinks this:

No, adoption was definitely not the solution she needed. In fact, the very sound of that word was causing her to quiver.

Adoption.

Now all we get is that she's sad, and then they go to adopt a foal. Why? It would be much more interesting to see her and Fancy Pants talk about it and she slowly warms up to the idea enough that she's willing to give it at least a little shot. Instead all we get is "she's sad and then she's randomly at the Orphanarium." Ding 0

Not much, granted, but enough to muster the courage to step back into the world and, following her husband, pay a visit at the Canterlot Orphanarium.

A bunch of rowdy pegasi foals dashed by Fleur.

“I’m still not convinced,” she said. “This whole idea feels odd.”

The middle sentence here is odd. It feels out of place without anything around it to make it flow better. Something like ""I'm still not convinced," she said, stepping back to narrowly avoid the group of rowdy pegasus foals dashing by them."" Ding 1

Also, the story isn't flowing very well so far. The characters seem to be teleporting to their locations to get the story going. One sentence they're at home, then the next they're at the Orphanarium. It feels like the opening of Rogue One. It needs to slow down a bit and take its time. Ding 2

Back inside, one or two charming zebra foals were deeply engaged in drawing a picture of something that resembled Princess Cadance of the Crystal Empire. One or two, because although there were two striped individuals sitting at the table, Fleur could swear one of them was actually a changeling.

What? How would Fleur be able to tell that one of them was a changeling? Ding 3

What next, baby dragons?

That's racist. Ding 4

Also, I'm not totally sure why Fleur has a problem with foreign beings at the Orphanarium. She herself isn't from Equestria. I get that she's a pony, too, but why would she have an issue with foreign children? Ding 5

yet she was trying to escape like a school filly caught on cheating.

I think the sentence would be better without the "on." Ding 6

Did she want to have a child to care for? Yes, with all her heart. Did she want to adopt a child? Not really. Maybe? Adoption wasn’t inherently wrong—even if it still sounded like some kind of a criminal activity—but it would go against everything she dreamed about and how she imagined her parenthood.

Again, this would be way more interesting to show, not tell. Just... fifteen more sins for the rest of the story for this problem. Ding 21

Fancy Pants said, glancing at the mare

It would probably be better as "Fleur" instead of "the mare." Ding 22

“Jinx it? Really?” Fleur replied. “Nightmare Night was almost three weeks ago, dear. Surely there’s nothing left to be jinxed by now.

Fleur has never heard of Murphy's Law. Ding 23

“There was that charming little filly in the backyard, the one wearing a beanie cap. She struck me as polite, resolute, and she apparently had an interest in fashion.

Fancy Pants and Fleur didn't have the opportunity to talk to a single one of the orphans. How would he know any of this? Ding 24

We would be standing out in the neighborhood like never,

I feel like a word is missing here, because "like never" doesn't seem right. Ding 25

How about one of the pegasi instead?”

“Oh, hilarious. You know I’m far too old to be jumping to the ceiling! Why not that one griffon for good measure?”

See? Fancy doesn't really seem to like the idea of a flying foal, but they get a bat pony. Jinxed it. Ding 26

“A griffon child, this is so wrong!

That's racist. Ding 27

“Hiya! Name’s Chestnut, but everypony here calls me Nutsie!” She reached out to the unicorns, her hoof high in the air. “Hoof bump!”

Gotta admit: whatever else there is to say about this story, Chestnut is an awesome character. Minus five sins for her. -Ding 22

Chestnut was a batpony.

Bat ponies. -Ding 17

Do you want your life turned upside down due to a brief visit of some orphan from beyond Equestria?”

Again, Fleur has no room to complain about that particular issue as she herself is not from Equestria! DIng 18

but despite her intention of holding it as far as possible, she found herself intrigued by the crooked letters written on the side.

NuTsiE’s StuFF

Alright, that's adorable. -ding 17

presented it to the stallion.

Again, why not just call him Fancy Pants? I'll do another bulk sin count so I don't have to keep going back to it. Ding 22

“You made it yourself, didn’t you?” he chuckled and passed the guide to Fleur.

The "he" doesn't appear to be a speaking action, so it should be capitalized. If it is supposed to be a speaking action, it works better if it isn't. Ding 23

“They’re my favorite band. Surely you’ve heard of them,” Chestnut replied, but the unicorns exchanged clueless glances. “Oh, come on! They’re the. Bestest. Band. Ever!” she shouted, waving her hooves around.

It generally isn't a good idea to have two said tags in one paragraph. Ding 24

Why being a mother had to be so much more difficult?

I feel like either a word is missing, or some got switched around. "Why did being a mother have to be so much more difficult?" Ding 25

“Quel est ce bruit?” she shouted, tangled in the covers.

I admit, I do like the bits when Fleur slips back into her native language. It adds a little bit of flavor to her character and dialogue. -Ding 24

Chestnut leaped over the bed and was outside the room in a jiffy.

Maybe it's me and I'm being a nitpicky BronyWriter pegasus again, but "jiffy" seems like too casual of a word for third person narration. It sticks out awkwardly and is kind of telly. Ding 25

“And by me, as well,” Fancy Pants added, giving Fleur the stare.

Fancy Pants is not Fluttershy. Ding 26

Final sin tally: 26.
Sentence...
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You get a bat pony! (and you somehow hate that.)