Everything Wrong With: Something Sweet to Bite
By Knackerman
Spoilers
(duh)

They tried, it was just that it felt like there was something actively trying to hold them back.

I'm not sure if this is some mystical thing, but it makes more sense that the "think holding them back" would be the fact that they can't bake worth a darn. Ding 1

I’m glad she’ll have a chance to make sweets with her sister Applejack

As opposed to her sister Rainbow Dash. Ding 2

It was true. The treats Sweetie Belle had managed to make looked more like wedding cakes than candy.

Why not just have Sweetie Belle say this? That would add to the "show not tell" thing. Have Sweetie Belle make like an annoyed face and say "yeah, they looked more like wedding cakes than candy!" Ding 3

The truth of the matter was that since Scootaloo was essentially having to take up the slack for her other two friends, the pegasus filly was getting a little testy, and perhaps rightfully so

Show don't tell. Ding 4

Though this had all been Sweetie Belle’s idea, and now she was doing the lion’s share of the work, Scootaloo was actually enjoying herself.

Wait, is she enjoying herself or getting testy? Ding 5

Pinkie Pie was completely oblivious to what they were actually doing, and even if she did find out, Scootaloo wasn’t sure the mischievous pink pony would care. Just to be on the safe side, they’d kept her from seeing the book pages that Scootaloo was using for most of her recipes.

Why wouldn't she care? She already made a big deal about it! Ding 6

Most of the dine in customers, that came in for afternoon snacks, had

Unneeded commas. Ding 7

Shall I go get Mrs. Cake

Pinkie doesn't talk this way. Maybe she would as a joke, but that's not what she's doing here. It doesn't sound like Pinkie. Ding 8

It was odd to get a customer at this time of day

It's odd to get a customer in the afternoon? Why? Wouldn't ponies be coming in for dessert after their lunches, or something like that? Maybe they could pick up something for after dinner? Sugarcube Corner isn't going to last long if they're dead during the afternoons. Ding 9

Pinkie Pie eyed her suspiciously,”Did you read it?”

Missing space. Ding 10

Twilight frowned, “Yes

Knackerman uses a comma instead of a period. Ding 11

“I’m not one for believing in superstitions Pinkie, but when it comes to you, I’m willing to put logic aside and accept certain things on a little faith.”

So then why did you get in the fight over the book in the first place? Ding 12

” said Twilight doubtfully

Missing period. Ding 13

Actually, come to that, why would Cheerilee possibly want her students making candy right before Nightmare Night? Wouldn’t there be plenty of candy after everypony went trick or treating? Something here didn’t exactly add up. “Sure Pinkie, why not? Lead the way.”

Twilight thinks up a hole in the CMC's story, then proceeds to do nothing with it. Not even a "she'd be sure to ask them about that" to let us know she's still suspicious. As it is, it looks like she just shrugs and forgets about it. Ding 14

Sweetie Belle was looking over the torn pages, from the book

Unneeded comma. Ding 15

bellowed Twilight sparkle.

"Sparkle" needs to be capitalized, if you need the word at all. Ding 15

“Is that what you’re doing Scootaloo? Because to me it looks more like you’re using up Mr. and Mrs. Cake’s supplies to win the bet you made with Diamond Tiara...”

Wait, why did it take Pinkie seeing the pages to know that that's what they were up to? You'd think she would have figured that out from the start. Ding 16 Also, the sentence ends with an ellipses instead of a period. Ding 17

I promise we were gonna give the pages back.,”

unneeded period here. Ding 18

“The Candy Mare.,

And again. Ding 19

She knit her brow as she read, clearly thinking this was all more of Pinkie Pie’s silliness.

Why? The story said before that Twilight knew when Pinkie starts acting seriously, it's time to listen. Ding 20

Pinkie Pie nodded, and continued gathering treats. Twilight cleared her throat, a bit nervously, and began to tell a story.

"Once upon a time..."

We need to get this candy to the Nightmare Moon statue NOW! But first let's stop and tell a story. Ding 21

She was even more delighted when she beheld the castle town first hand!

Wouldn't it be firsthoof? Ding 22

He would let them come into his shop and eat his sweets. Then he would kill their parents and spirit the fillies and colts away, forcing them to eat all of his strange and twisted attempts at making better candy.

And he's not been caught because...? Ding 23

Thus, it was that the Candy Mare, as she was known, was rendered not but candy.

"naught." Ding 24

“Are a list of the different confections that Lemon Drop force fed his victims,” Twilight finished for her. “The story was vague on why the list was included, only to say that the creation of such treats are expressly forbidden.

Wait, don't say "the story was vague on why the list was included." Given that this story is clearly true, wouldn't Celestia and Luna have hunted down every single copy of those recipes? This is a world-ending threat that they're dealing with, as we later see. Why would the recipes have survived? Ding 25

On that note, how did they get the recipes written down anyway? Did someone go into the shop with the brutal murder victim, find the recipes, and then say "oh, I should put this into a book, or something." If so, why? Saying "the book is vague on why" is just lazy. Ding 26

Also, how have the CMC made these specific treats? Based on the flashback bits we get, the killer was putting some pretty weird things into his treats. Were the CMC putting live grasshoppers into their candy, too? The narration mentioned Pinkie Pie scooping up candy corn, but are there no other instances of candy corn in Equestria? Did the CMC make candy corn with anti-freeze in it, and that's what's dangerous? If there are special things that separate the killer's candy with the stuff that is common, why does Pinkie have those kind of ingredients lying around, especially since the killer seemed to use magic with his candy? None of the rules are laid out here, which makes it hard to know how they're being broken. Ding 27

There is a bit of residual magic around the statues of Nightmare Moo- I mean Luna.

Uh, no, that's a statue of Nightmare Moon you have near the Everfree Forest. Ding 28

Yet as the dust cleared, something stood motionless in the smoking crater that was left behind, surrounded by empty bags. Something that smiled.

"...hungry...."

Wait, hang on a second. Twilight was just talking about how putting the candy by the statue was a purification ritual, but when they did it, it actually summoned the monster? I get that it might be a kind of "the reality of what to do was lost through the ages" or "putting that specific candy by the statue would summon her" but that still doesn't make sense. Putting aside the fact that it's unlikely that the CMC would be able to make the correct kind of candy anyway, why would putting the candy there summon the Candy Mare? Why wouldn't just the act of making it summon her? If you need to put the bad candy next to a Luna statue, then it's not really all that dangerous to make the candy itself. All you have to do is literally anything other than put it next to a Luna/NMM statue and you'll be fine. It's like saying communion actually summons Satan. They don't match at all, and there is no way that, based on what the ritual is about in the first place, that that would be the result. If it was, the Candy Mare would have been summoned a long time ago. Ding 33

Final sin tally: 33

Sentence...

...

...

You summoned the Candy Mare! (oops)