Everything Wrong With: Something Sweet to Bite
By Knackerman
Spoilers
(duh)

It was a bright autumnal day, about a week before the nightmare would begin.

Gotta say, this chapter doesn't start out as well as the last one. Firstly there's a cliche "weather report Ding 1 and then "autumnal" which I get is a word, but "autumn" just works better and doesn't sound like purple prose. Ding 2

the pink mare

Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Ding 3

This was no chore for Pinkie though, she loved decorating like this

Comma splice. Ding 4

Not many ponies visited the post office themselves these days.

Why? Ponyville is still a functioning town with a fair amount of ponies in it, so they'd need a mail service. Why is it like this? Ding 5

Not many ponies visited the post office themselves these days. “Ugh...this is a waste of time. I don’t know why daddy insists we help with these decorations when nopony is ever going to see them,” moaned Diamond Tiara

Firstly, a space is needed after the ellipses. Secondly, Diamond Tiara's dialogue should start a new paragraph. Ding 6

The pampered filly

Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Ding 7

“Besides, if they did, it might give them a heart attack,” she said with fake concern.

It's best to not have two said tags in one paragraph. Ding 8

“Now girls, the Mayor has trusted

In this instance, the word "mayor" isn't a proper noun, thus does not need to be capitalized. Ding 9

“Yeah,” chimed in Scootaloo. “We had a ball last year going around with you and collecting candy!”

I'm not going to sin this, but I will point out that in a said tag, the character's name should go before the action. So it should be "Scootaloo chimed in." It flows better and puts the emphasis on the character instead of the action.

said the fiery haired filly.

Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Ding 10

Pinkie Pie.”I mean sure

Missing space. Ding 11

exclaimed Twilight Sparkle in bafflement

This is a common problem with the story: emotions, especially during down times, tend to be told, not shown. There are ways to get across that Twilight is baffled without just saying she's baffled. Ding 12

"You’d think she was just some common pony and not Celestia’s student.

That's racist. Ding 13

Did you leave any candy for your teacher's sister?”

This story does bring up an interesting point: what happens with the offerings now, since Nightmare Moon is no longer a threat? That's more a show question. This story answers it quite well.

The decorations, the costumes, the jack-o-lanterns, the offerings to Nightmare Moon; they were started to protect us!

This reminds me of the movie Trick r Treat, and any fic that can remind me of that awesome, underrated movie (that also has a pony VA in it!) deserves to have a sin removed. -Ding 12

the party ponies ‘pinkie sense’

1. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Ding 13 2. Pinkie Sense should be capitalized. Ding 14

of the libraries

"library's" Ding 15

“Ye olde Tricks and Treats?

"olde" should be capitalized since it's part of the title. Ding 16

Wow Pinkie, that book looks like it’s seen better days.” Twilight examined the book closely

Given how compulsively Twilight organizes her library, it seems odd that Twilight wouldn't have 1. already found this damaged book and 2. repaired it. It's not like her not know about damaged books in her library. Ding 17

had wandered away to make some other ponies life miserable,

"pony's". Look, this happens enough that I'm just going to add ten sins for it. Ding 27

All three winced as a loud rip echoed throughout the library and a cascade of book pages fluttered through the air.

This is a bit out of character for Twilight. She's known Pinkie long enough to know that when Pinkie is being serious, it's time to listen to her. Plus, she loves her books enough to not get in a tug-of-war with Pinkie of all ponies over a damaged book. She'd stop before it got damaged further. Ding 28

Twilight and Pinkie had managed to break the books fragile spine, sending its delicate pages in all directions. Both ponies seemed shocked at what had happened.

“Uh...” started Applebloom. “We’ll just, head on now Pinkie. Ah got chores Ah need ta get ta doin' back home.”

So Pinkie and Twilight broke a book. So why do the CMC, who were not involved in that struggle, feel the need to go home immediately? What do they think is going to happen if they stay? Also, what happened to the rest of the foals? They were flat-out destroying the library before. You'd think that Twilight would get that under control before she focused on some book Pinkie had. It might be better to have this all happen after Twilight kicks out most of the other foals. Ding 29

Scootaloo gave her wings a few humming bird-like flutters

"hummingbird" is one word. Ding 30

“Don’t be so sure... Of that

I get that Sweetie Belle is out of breath here, but that needs to be a bit clearer. Something like "Don't be so... sure of... that." Also, the "of" doesn't need to be capitalized. Ding 31

“That’s because there weren’t that many hidden,” Sweetie Belle slowed to a cantor

Few things here. 1. there needs to be a period after "hidden" Ding 32
2. "Cantor" is the guy in a church who does all of the chants and stuff. The word here would be "canter." Ding 33
3. A canter is defined as an "easy gallop", which doesn't make sense for Sweetie Belle to do here. It would be better to have her trot. Ding 34

“Rarity was just as outraged when it happened, but there was nothing anypony could do. There was no rule against somepony ‘finding’ a pallet full of eggs.”

What? Why the heck not? She didn't "find" one, she was given one, and any adult with even a quarter of a brain would know that. She didn't even participate. There's not a rule against adding your own eggs to find? Ding 35 Also, the story says that because DT filled up, and I quote, fifty baskets of eggs, the CMC lost some kind of bet and had to give up all of the eggs they'd found. Why didn't they see that something was up when DT had fifty baskets? The CMC can be a bit oblivious sometimes, but they're not dumb. Anybody would be able to spot that kind of cheating. This isn't an example of DT using her wealth to win, it's an example of other ponies letting her win by falling for the dumbest plan to cheat ever. Ding 36

“I noticed something about these pages before we left the library. A lot of that book looks like it was history and mythology. Except these pages right here are recipes for all different kinds of classic Nightmare Night treats and candy!

Isn't it a bit convenient that Sweetie Belle, after looking for about two seconds, managed to grab a bunch of pages from the ripped book, without Twilight or Pinkie noticing, and they all happened to contain original recipes? Ding 37

“Don’t think of it as cheating,” said Sweetie Belle, smoothing out the parchment. “Think of it as evening the playing field. We’ll still go trick or treating on Nightmare Night, but if Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara don’t, then we’ll have more candy than they do for sure! This is just to make sure they play fair. And since these pages seem to have all the original recipes for a variety of candy, no pony can accuse us of just buying store bought candy. It’s the perfect plan!”

Few things here: 1. If the CMC know DT and SS are going to cheat the same way they cheated before, why don't they just use that as their excuse to nullify the bet? Maybe once Nightmare Night is over, have them ask DT and SS where they got their candy, then follow up and ask the ponies they claim to have gotten it from. When they inevitably say "no, DT and SS did not come by my house" then they'll have caught them.

On the flipside, when the CMC have all of this original candies (OCs, if you will) then what's to stop DT and SS from doing the same thing I suggested above? "Where did you get that kind of candy?" "Oh, we... uh..." Instead of using the fact that they know their enemies will cheat to their advantage, because, again, they are smart fillies, they come up with this convoluted plan that will be extremely difficult to pull off. And it ends up getting everypony killed, too.

Hey, I said "spoilers" in the beginning, didn't I? Ding 38

“It seems a might dishonest to me.”

"mite" Ding 39

Keep your wits about yerself my dear, there’s magic about here and no mistake.

Comma splice. Ding 40

Ponies appearing and disappearing all the time. One more little pony disappearing won’t bother anyone.

Stay back! What are you doing with those knives!?

I thought that was obvious dear fellow. Making you disappear.

I know that they're in the back of the shop and all, but what are the odds that the killer can kill this pony with his knives and do it in such a way that no one notices? You'd think that some ponies around would hear his screaming and come investigate. Heck, why can't he run? He just has to make it a few feet then the guy is in trouble. This is all happening in broad daylight, as far as I can tell. Wouldn't it just be simpler to feed the father a poisoned candy? That's quick and clean. No blood to spend hours cleaning up. It's a chilling scene, but it makes no sense. Ding 41

Final Sin Tally: 41

Sentence...

...

...

Diamond Tiara taking your candy because she cheated (and you fell for it)