Everything Wrong With...

'The Fox and the Flutter' by JR Black Wing

Spoilers
(duh...)

a pale pegasus named Fluttershy

1: Fluttershy is pale? All this time I thought she was a pale yellow, if not then I'm color blind. *(ding!)*

Held by her mouth, a small picnic basket, with a fresh assortment of grains, fruits, fish, and carrots for Angel Bunny

2: Holding things by your mouth is unhealthy and can spread germs. *(ding!)*
3: So all that sh*t is for Angel then? I'm surprised he hasn't gained weight! *(ding!)*

dangled and rocked to the chirruping of the birds that twirled and soared above the pegasus’s head.

4: Only vultures do that. *(ding!)*

Singing along with the tune

5: What tune?... All I know is that the vultures are waiting for her to drop dead. *(ding!)*

Fluttershy was happy and content with herself as she beamed a expression of delight for the peaceful nature that surrounded her.

6: Give me a soda and I'll explain how f*cked up nature is to her. *(ding!)*

That was, until a single leaf fell from a tree and touched her rump.

7: Molested by a leaf. *(ding!)* *(ding!)* *(ding!)* *(ding!)* *(ding!)*

Dropping the basket and instantly hiding in a nearby bush

8: This is why I don't like Fluttershy. *(ding!)*

Fluttershy shaked and shuddered from her encounter with the terrifying leaf of death and destruction,

9: They might as well use the Elements on that leaf considering how she described it. *(ding!)*

of perfectly trimmed lawns that is.

10: What? *(ding!)*
11: And from what I gather, there is no lawnmowers in Equestria. *(ding!)*

a little red tailed fox hopped onto the dusty trail

12: Just imagine a fox Pinkie hopping onto a path. Pretty wierd isn't it? *(ding!)*

She whispered to the fox, “Hey there little buddy… Are you hungry?”

It stared at the pony.

13: The fox's mental reply must have been 'No sh*t, stupid *ss!' if it stared at her like that, thus unworthy of a sin.

Almost instantly, Fluttershy pleaded, “Hey, don’t be alarmed there, buddy. It think I might have something for you.”

14: This is why all the animals at her cottage are lazy and don't go out for their own food. That's a big sin on my part. *(DING!)* x20

She pulled out from the basket a fresh sardine.

15: Now I'm wondering how her animals will eat their food seeing as it now reeks of fish. *(ding!)*
16: Also fish inside a basket with food meant for Angel. *(ding!)*

“Come on, little guy… Don’t be so shy,”

16: Ironic isn't it? *(ding!)*

Fluttershy continued to quietly beg, “I sure you would love this fresh sardine.”

17: Now your just teasing the poor thing! *(ding!)*

Fluttershy vocal tone sharpened as she said, “Good little foxy, now please take another step.”

18: This story would be hilarious if the fox just flipped her off then and there and went back into the forest. Sadly, it does not happen. *(ding!)*

Fluttershy spoke up, “That’s it buddy, just a couple of more steps. Pretty please?” She batted her eyes while slowly leaning down.

19: Why is she bat her eyes at a fox, a baby one at that?! *(DIING!)* x30

take the fish from the huge horse that remained on the same height

20: This is a huge horse
And this is little yellow pony
Notice a difference? *(ding!)* *(ding!)*

Unfolding her wings, she flew over the same bush the fox jumped into. Afterwards, she scanned the ground for any marks or trails the fox might have left behind.

21: I bet she's trying to bring it back to her cottage, also known as kidnapping. *(ding!)*

Fluttershy lost control of her balance, stumbled pass the natural barrier, and fell face-first into a hole that was big enough to fit her head inside.

22: Fanfictions! Getting hurt in bone breaking ways and not recieving one solitary scratch since 2010! *(ding!)*
23: Neck-breaking fall is not neck-breaking. *(ding!)*

the pegasus noticed the tiny brown trial

24: Fox feces. *(ding!)*

Bewildered on the thought of, there is no way that it’s true

25: What's not true?... Explain please! *(ding!)*

To her absolute amazement, she found the same fox from before… along with the rest of its family.

26: That saying she has never seen a fox family before. *(ding!)*
27: The fox hole is probably Angels old rabbit burrow. Freeloaders. *(ding!)*

-------------
Sin Count: 79
Sentence: Get stalked by Fluttershy...
( It's not as good as it sounds...)
(Hell.)

3521975 Here's some stuff I noticed!
3: Oh silly Sergeant, Satan can't gain weight!
11: I think they all eat the grass. Or stick it between 2 slices of bread and serve it in restaurants at a really high price.
15: I think you need to add an extra sin, as Flutters just took out sardines. WHEN THIS FOOD IS FOR A BUNNY.

3521986 I'll get to right now, Corporal!

3521992 I'm a Corporal? COOL!
Do I get to drive the tanks now, Sarge?

3521994 Yes, Corporal. Yes you do.

3521998 I call driving this one!

3522001 And I'll be in this one.

3521975
I stopped at 6. These were pretty dumb "sins."

3522024 Eh... Me being 15 and currently with a huge dose of writers block can make it pretty hard to come up with anything, sorry for the inconvenience.

3521975

Despite the fact that I would take away some of the sins, overall, I enjoyed the hell out of this review Sgt. GobSmacker because there were a few instances where you made me laugh at my own stupidity.

Therefore, I commend on your work and I will be honored to post a link to this on the story's preview. Good Job! 7/10