I'm working on a story, and I was just wondering if someone could give it a nice run through to see how it is going. If you feel like pointing out grammar, you can, but I'm mostly just trying to figure out if the pace of the story isn't too fast.

The story is here. It is a [Sad] [Romance], which you probably won't see either until the near end of the story (I'm on that right now). Thanks for the help!

From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha, Fort Impression On Everypony

Sure, I'll give it a look.

Looks good.

That'll be ten bucks.

4014207 Are ten cupcakes good enough?

Ok, while the pacing on the first part of the story isn't too bad, the ending does feel kind of rushed.

That, coupled with the fact that Pinkie's reaction seems to come out of nowhere, hampers the emotions that the scene could provoke.

Pinkie decides to leave Ponyville and go... somewhere. Is she going back to her family? Is she going to go to uni to learn? We need a bit more information to be more emotionally invested.

Also, she brushes off Twilight's confession like if it was nothing and, while I understand that she's supposed to be so afflicted by her insecurities to be able to accept her advances, the story just dumps you that with no prior warning, there was no build-up to her break down.

Now, granted, there's only so much that can be done in a one-shot, but it could benefit from expanding it on certain spots and giving it a bit more depth.

So, while your story is by no means bad, it can definitely improve.

4014293 Noted. Thanks for those words! Now I know what I can work on while I'm away. Thanks for all the info, and I will certainly consider the majority of it. The one thing I probably won't change is the knowledge as to where exactly she is headed. I do plan to make a sequel to follow this, which I might, might not, explain where she went and what has happened. Other than that, I appreciate all the work you put into the proofread, and I will definitely look over and make a lot of adjustments to what I have so far.

From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha, Fort Impression On Everypony

EDIT: Dang, I'm tired! There are so many mistakes in my comment...

4014237

Works for me.