Brainy Envy By Duke Of Canterlot

Welcome, King Surry here once again, and today I will be providing a commentary on Brainy Envy by Duke of Canterlot! Now, I just woke up and I'm cranky, but whatever I'm ready to read something!

Extended description is as follows: At the request of the Mayor, the ponies of Ponyville and Cloudsdale take an IQ test. The Mayor wants to show that the ponies have become more intelligent since she was elected (knowing full well of course that Twilight now lives in Ponyville).. there are two genius ponies - Twilight Sparkle and a pony Twilight would never expect to be on par with her intellectually.

I'll save my overall scores for the end, but will be giving some points along the way.

Alright let's begin! SOME MINOR SPOILERS!!!!!!! WARNING!!!!!!!!

PLEASE NOTE--I'm going to try to be funny(mostly)

The Mayor of Ponyville went to the podium with pride. She never had such a fantastic idea before!
"Greetings, everypony! I am pleased to announce that our quaint little town will be taking a test certified by the Equestrian Empire."

I wasn't going to mention this. I'm still not quite sure why I am... but Celestia is not an Empress. Moving right along.

"This test gives each of you the chance to prove your intellectual aptitude. I know the last time this test was administered, there was a different pony as mayor. So, the expectation is that Ponyville will perform much better now."
"Hey, I know why you seem so confident", said Rainbow Dash, "it's because of Twilight Sparkle."

So immediately I get the hint that everyone else in town feels really dumb having Twilight around. Cue Trixie face!!!

This is kind of a long one-shot so for the sake of time and everyone's sanity, I will briefly describe scenes and pick out which ones caught my attention most. Getting back on topic...

As you can probably tell, the mane six are being given a test by the mayor, taking place in town hall. They bicker(like you'd expect) just before the test. Something that irked me is that the entire process of taking the test takes up less than one paragraph, literally. Maybe not irked, but it was kinda shocking when I first read it. It's over, done, and out before you even get into it. But we'll see what happens.

A week later, the Mayor summoned the town for another meeting.
She seemed awfully happy, it must have been good news.

Just like that?!!!

Twilight suddenly remembered the test, oh my, she was hoping that everypony would have just forgotten about it.

Why is there just an 'oh my' thrown in there? Alright I'm sorry I'm acting like a huge butt right now. Please forgive me!!

Anyway, Twilight is announced as a genius... but then!!! Or should I say BUTT then!!!

"I am proud to announce that the other genius is Pinkie Pie! She is just as smart as Twilight!"

Twilight's butthurt. I guarantee it,

"It's no big deal... really", said Pinkie with an unusual air of timidity.
"Thank you, Mayor", said Twilight.

Definitely butthurt.

It obviously bugs Twilight. Pinkie decides to throw a party to celebrate and makes Spike Sapphire muffins!

"Pinkie told me that they are okay in moderation."
"Well, I guess if Pinkie Pie told you. It must mean conclusively and without a doubt that they are okay!"

Chill Twilight.

"We lived in Canterlot for years with a ton of dragons like Spike and we have never seen a sapphire muffin which doesn't have disastrous effects on dragons."

King Surry has never seen these dragons you speak of!

So then TwiPie get into an argument over the addictive effects of the sapphires, where Pinkie says she altered them to only affect ponies. Skeptical Twilight should've stayed away.

She couldn't help herself, scooped up the rest of the muffins and ate them all. Twilight then ran off.

So where's the biggest source of sapphires? Under Sweet Apple Acres of course. And that's exactly where Twilight's going! The friend's decide to have Rarity find the gems and chase after her. They meet face to face and Twilight. Isn't. Playing. AROUND!!!

"What's your idea?", asked Applejack.
"Let it rain chocolate", said Pinkie with a grin, "Rainbow Dash, I'm gonna need your help.. you too, Fluttershy."

I like where this is going.

And then backstory for Pinkie... well that was unexpected. So we now see filly Pinkie in elementary school.

A young Pinkie Pie with straight hair shouted with glee, "Ooh ooh, I know, pick me! Pick me!".
"Does anyone else know? Or is Pinkie my only good student in a stall of retards?"

Pinkie answers a question right and then this happens.

"Ugh, what a freak", moaned Brilliant Beauty while rolling her eyes,

Then this backstory gets really crazy. There are so many things I want to ask Duke but the big thing is... why would Pinkie be treated like a unicorn is she can't use magic?

"CHOCOLATE RAIN IS ALL READY!!", shouted Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow Dash got on the cloud and began jumping on it. The rain fell on Twilight and Rarity.

Rainbow makes the girls wet, if you know what I mean.

Alright, so in grand style I am not going to spoil the ending(though I will say it's not that bad).This commentary was supposed to be funny for the most part and now is where I get serious!

FINAL REVIEW

MOOD:
Upbeat, whimsical, dark at times. Extremely fast paced. There are no breaks at all. I'll discuss this in great detail in "Style" section.

GRAMMAR:
From 1-5... probably a 3.5? Not too many errors.

STYLE: 2 very big things,

1. Rule breaks. Horizontal rules are needed to differentiate one scene from another. Nuff' said.

2. Heavy Dialogue usage and few breaks to let the reader know who's talking. Maybe I'm just an idiot, but my wittle brain is hurt.

Final Score as issued by King Surry:

No I'm not as evil as you might think.

I'm not a terrible ogre who only seeks to destroy, for there are things I genuinely like about this story.
A BIG thing I liked is that the story ended with a letter to Princess Celestia which actually sounded like a REAL letter from a REAL episode, which I've never really seen pulled off before. So to Duke, Props on that. Another thing I liked is that all the characters were really kinda themselves in this story. Sure there were some missteps but they felt fully realized to me. And by the way, good job at throwing a curveball halfway through because I did not see that ending coming when I first started reading.

It got a like from me.

8.273 out of 10!!!!!!!!!!

2656526
Remember to mention spoilers before you go into the commentary...."Light Spoilers" Is all I ask, otherwise, nicely done, you got a chuckle out of me.

2656791 It will be done.

2656873
Better, Thanks.

2656526
Thank you for taking the time to review "Brainy Envy"! SurrenderedEndeavor.
Your review got a lot of LOLs from me too,