Victory for the New Lunar Republic
By BatwingCandlewaxxe

Reviewed by Asilin

And I’m back with a short one. Short stories are good for the soul. And moving along a submission queue.

Commentary and Review combined for length.

I’m not going to lie: I wasn’t going into this expecting anything particularly good. The blurb seems to give away the story which means I was walking into it with particular ideas.

The funny thing is that may have been an excellent move on the part of the author to hide the real premise of this story. Due to the brevity of this piece and the fact that the premise reveal is key to the story, I’m not going to say too much about that (and I’m afraid I may have given away too much just by saying this!)

So let me say what I like about this story: the opening is strong and very descriptive. It grabs you immediately, even though you’re kind of expecting it, thanks to the blurb. But the undertones of melodrama that come through (particularly on secondary read-throughs) are brilliant towards building the actual tone of the piece.

The dialogue between the sisters, particularly after the reveal, is strong. I could honestly see two siblings having such a conversation. Heck, I’m pretty sure I’ve had similar with my siblings! (In tone, not in substance, of course.)

And I loved the transition moment. It was excellently done with an ease that made you think if you had blinked you would have missed it.

If there’s any downside, it’s that the premise is a pretty basic one that’s very hard to expand into a truly original idea. I have seen this done in ways that really moved and enthralled me as a story, but that story was also two to three times the length of this. I don’t think this story could stand for much more length, though, as it effectively functions as a story with a punchline. You can’t go too long on the joke.

I don’t really have anything that I can suggest to make this better. You have solid characterization, a good hook, the pace is handled nicely as is the twist. Because this is more a comedic piece, you balance the two sides of the story well, and I’m afraid that suggesting more length up front will overwhelm the elements of the second half.

I’ve gone back and forth a bit on this since I read it last night. On the one hand, this was well-written and well-done for the type of story it is. Plus, it made me laugh once I got to the end. On the other, this is a pretty basic premise that the story doesn’t do a whole lot to expand upon.

But I think overall enjoyment is going to win this one so it’s a

Recommended.

I got a kick out of this story and I think others will too.

Thanks for the comments, I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed it.

And yeah, I definitely realize it is a pretty bog-standard build-up and twist. Minor variation on an old joke. It was essentially a bit of fluff that I threw together when I was bored at work one day, then spent a couple weeks polishing. I did try writing it longer, but found, as you noted, that it threw the timing off, and the ending wasn't strong enough to support a more elaborate build-up for what is essentially a throw-away gag.

In the end, I got a giggle out of it and hoped someone else would too, even though it's hardly breaking new ground.