Sleepless

By: Samey90

Strange things happen in Ponyville. Foals start to disappear; their parents and siblings, struck by grief, will resort to every mean to find the cause. Some of them blame timberwolves; some blame the zebra living in the forest. Some of them even blame their fellow ponies. None of them, however, suspects a little filly suffering from insomnia...

Hello! Um... well then, shall I move on? OK, I will

I can't really explain to how excited I am to actually write this review. Usually it takes me a bit to actually sit down and type something up, however, after reading this story... I had to sit down the first chance I got to write down my thoughts on this story.

Before I actually get into the review, I have a few things I would like to say.

1. This story is not for the sensitive.

There are horrors, and troubling topics explored in the words written. If you like My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic as the sweet, cute, funny, amazing happy show, this story (and story chain) has the opposite.

2. I related to this story much more than I would have expected.

Not many people know, but I have violent tendencies, not as what the story will show, but similar enough to have a strong connection. It's why I am very cautious in public, simply because I have found myself doing things that could hurt someone. (No longer the case since I have had the help I needed. I don't talk about this topic to often and I tend to shy away from writing to much about it.)

3. There will be spoilers in this review after the halfway point, I will announce when I am at that point, from there, you will decide weather or not you want to read on, or read the story yourself. Or what ever you really want to do.

I'll be honest, I had a little of an idea of what I was getting myself into when I picked up this story, simply because I have read some of Samey90's work in the past. Not once have I been disappointed, and or not entertained. So I was actually looking forward to this story simply because of my experience with the author. In a simple sense, I'm a fan of Samey90's work.

However, what I found in the story exceeded my expectations! True, I found some flaws here and there, little things that distracted from the story. Most of them however, seemed to be put there on purpose to help the reader understand what Diamond Tiara is going through. I'll point them out and then find out what Samey has to say. Let me go ahead with my usual... review.

Narrative:

The story starts out with Diamond tossing and turning in bed, trying to get to sleep. The reader is informed of that it's been a while since Diamond has slept properly.

I actually liked the opening of the story simply because it dives you in right into the point. The first sentence is crucial in any story, and Samey nailed it. (It's also my pet peeve to find a story starting with either weather, and or a Once Upon a Time opening. True, they have there place, I just usually don't like them)

As I moved deeper into the story, I found the pacing rather smooth, it did not feel to quick. Then the main event happened. The end of chapter one.

The pacing turned from informative and descriptive (more on the purple pros side.) To quick and discreet, minimal information given. (Beige pros end the spectrum.) At first I was thrown off, not sure what to think. Then I came to the conclusion that that the author wanted me to relate to how Diamond felt, after all, this was in her point of view.

The reader at this point got a similar flash of time of when Diamond turned into the worst. Simply put, Diamond was in shock, so the reader read the part like it was in shock. Something I found done through out the whole story... though sometimes It got annoying.

All in all, I could not really find anything I could help out.

5/5

Mood

Spoilers be here!

Alright, so the mood... is well as expected.

Any reader would probably expecting a quick dark and gruesome story about a homicidal bully.... How could the be more wrong? Well, I don't think they could. Though the mood is dark and gloomy, there is more tragedy in this story.

It captures emotion, if anything, which is essential in any dark story. Lets take a part of the story, and here is the insert.

“Listen…” Diamond Tiara said. “It’s not like that… I…”

“You what? After all those… things you and that pet of yours said about me, you think that ‘it’s not like that’ will help?” Ruby whimpered.

“No…” Diamond Tiara muttered. She extended her hoof and wrapped it around Ruby. “No, Ruby, it’s…”

Run, Ruby! Why don’t you run away from me!?

It all lasted maybe a half of a second. Diamond Tiara’s vision suddenly disappeared in a flash and when it came back, Ruby wasn’t with her.

“Diamond Tiara!” she heard a panicked scream. She blinked, ran to the edge of the bank and looked down.

“No!” she shouted, seeing Ruby desperately waving her hooves, trying to keep her head above the water.

“Hold on, Ruby…” Diamond Tiara muttered.

Why do I like this?

Well as I said before, things happen quick. Things move just as fast for us, as they would for DT.

But it's the emotion, convoyed simply. We see as DT notices what she does and starts to work to save Ruby. What more do I need to say?

Mood, definitely surpassed average.

5/5

Grammar

Unfortunately, I failed on noting down any errors I may have found. I recall seeing a few here and there, like a he, in stead of a she... but I can't recall where they were. In truth, I was so absorbed into the story, I really didn't care anymore about grammar, and only the most ugly of errors would have broke me out of that trance... there were none strong enough to do so.

Grammar
5/5

So there we go, I'll let you choose if you want to read the story.

And Samey, great work! I loved every moment and every word. Though I did have to read and listen to happy stuff for a while. Your story has power.

Now, I have called the some of the Admins to read the story, and have a vote for a spot in the Masterpiece folder. I myself consider this a masterpiece. For now though, while we wait for people to pull time, we shall call it a....

Again, this story is on the Grim side of Dark... so take caution. And don't think for a second that DT is the only guilty party. Let's just say there is another character I despise for for killing a pony that was just to awesome to be killed... didn't stop it from happening though.

Mr. Flare

The story link at the top leads to a specific comment on the story page. I'm guessing that wasn't intended?

3897706
lol, nope.
Fixed