Harmonics Legacy

by darkone4587

To start off, I have to point out the obvious: your English is not very good. I'm starting with such a seemingly negative thing to say because I feel the problem is acute enough to demand the sharpest edge of your attention. This is not, in any sense, meant to make you feel bad or to discourage you from writing in English: to the contrary, I think you should write English as much as you can. That's the surest way to improve it, supposing that you show your writing to someone who can teach you with the difficult bits. If you want to know more about those, I can give some advice via PM.

To continue, I must say that the plot of the fic is very ambitious. Mane 6 broken apart, Changelings invading Equestria? That's a lot of story for any author, especially for a begginer. The major problem I find here, and in every other such grand attempt, is that the grasp on individual scenes is not very strong, as if the author's interest and focus was completely immersed in the big arches of the story. But a good epic story is nothing but a compilation of individual, well executed scenes that fit together.

Your scenes are very abrupt, intense, and confusing. You are packing way too much stuff in too small spaces, for example going over Scootaloo's new wing proxies in barely a few lines and squeeqing a whole fight with Cloudslade and the Changelings into a single passage. I'd advise to take it slower: start with small scenes, like Scootaloo getting used to the appendages herself, perhaps with a friend, and then trying them on for the first time. You could very well dedicate a scene for that alone, really.

Indeed, the single most pressing problem with this fic (apart from the grammar) is the pacing: things simply fall apart very shortly after the first chapter, if not already there. There are two solid ways to fix this: cut the ecxess characters and the excess action. Excellent scenes have been built with just two characters talking about the weather. It doesn't need to starts from falling empires and massive fights -- there's time for everything. And seriously, it's not that easy to make a discussion about weather very interesting. It requires years and years of practice.

As a final note I might say that this fic did impress me at some level. It's not given that anyone can just start writing a story about the end of Equestria in a language that they do not feel as their own. It does take some courage. For that, you'll have earned my respect.

Final Score: Needs Work

3438433
Nice work! and welcome to the team Stanku!

3438693 Thanks!

Thanks for the advice, and your right I should've put something in there about a few things like ypthe time scale, I intended it to seem like Scootaloo had the wings for sometime, but I admit that there could've been a line in there to explain it, but all in all thanks.