I’ve been wanting to come out to my family for a while now, but I’m too scared to do it. I’m more worried about how my mum would react, she sends me mixed messages. One day she’d be saying how she likes Harry Potter and JK Rowling (I don’t think she knows that she's a Terf.) then the next day she helps a disabled trans woman who was looking for a place to it down.

So I need advice on how to come out. It is eating me up inside and I feel like I am going insane.

Older people tend to not associate JK with her transphobia if they aren't actively into the topic, they often just haven't heard of anything she has done in the last decade. But you're probably getting more mixed signals than just her liking Harry Potter, so if you're really unsure you can find out how transphobic someone is by saying something transphobic or supportive about trans people or just anything bringing up trans people in a manner not directly pointing towards you being trans and gauging their reaction.

As for coming out itself, it's a lot less scary when you first come out to one person that you know will accept you/is at least likely to do so and ideally trust. This has the benefit of it being unlikely they will out you to the rest of your family, on top of having likely getting an ally. From there you can either come oit one by one (and make family gatherings very awkward by having half the people still use your deadname while the other half doesn't by forgetting to come out to some) or come out to everyone else at once or do a mixture of the two, but whatever you do it will be easier with somebody else at your side who you can rely on.

If you can't think of anyone you know will be supportive enough to help you, you can always test the waters using the aforementioned method, and in the unlikely case that there's still noone, you at least found out what you can expect once you do come out but let's hope that isn't the case.

The manner in which you come out to someone, whether it be a text message reading 'Now I am become [your name] destroyer of [deadname]' or a one on one conversation on your birthday really depends on your own personal preferences so just do whatever you feel most comfortable with there.

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I would write your mom a letter. Try to anticipate what questions she might have and answer them in your writing: what does being transgender mean, what signs might she have missed, how she can support you, where she can go to look for reliable information on trans people. It's okay if you have to re-draft it a few times.

Sing a funny song about being trans, then when she puts her head in the oven, make a silly inappropriate joke.

In all seriousness, be careful be safe and try to minimize the amount they retaliate against you if it doesn't go over well.