Here's the set up:

Crimson (a street performer in Los Pegasus forced to get a real job) is on night watch duty at a cannery factory with Checkers (The factory's local tech and maintenance support) on the phone.

Checkers, before signing off each night, triple checks all the security cameras via 'screen sharing' with Crimson. They both have the ability to check the cameras, however Checkers prefers Crimson to be the one hitting the button to make sure the screen swaps happen at the factory and not by Checkers' hacking.

On the night of the story, they banter back and forth, starting their final check on the cameras when Checkers pulls a prank by switching the views on one of the cameras. After admitting it, it happens again, only both sides claim that neither side touched the camera buttons, and because of the before prank, neither believes the other.

Now, I can see this going one of two ways.

First way: to prove that he wasn't the one switching the cameras, Crimson must brave the empty factory and make his way to the current camera on screen while Checkers watches from his own screen at home. Because both are a little spooked by this, Crimson assumes that Checkers won't pull anymore pranks on him, especially as if this is someone's tampering with the equipment, there could be serious consequences.

Second Way: They argue as the screen starts flipping through the different cameras, both getting more tense as they realize that the security feed they start seeing holds some things that are not only freaking them out, but down right impossible, because there is no security cameras in the hallways, or in the security room itself.

So, what do you think? Which way should the story go?

5169678

They argue as the screen starts flipping through the different cameras, both getting more tense as they realize that the security feed they start seeing holds some things that are not only freaking them out, but down right impossible, because there is no security cameras in the hallways, or in the security room itself.

This one wouldn't make sense unless there is something that likes to mess with char's minds.
Or maybe there is a hacker ghost in the story. Then again this could be a great part as they talk back and forward and
too late they realize that there are no camera feeds showing the scenes in the hallway and security room.

Some places might have a security camera in the security office so the management can verify that the guards are working.
They may not tell the guards though.

The first bit would be great to ramp up the tension as the scared guy goes through the empty creepy factory.

Have you thought about using both with some tweaks?

5169967 I could go both ways, however, how would I transition from Crimson to Checkers' perspective, so to say, and have it seem natrual? At the moment, we're with Crimson, and all we hear of Checkers is his voice. All we know about him is what Crimson remembers or knows of about him. If I flip over to him, watching the cameras flip as he doesn't touch anything while Crimson goes out to check things, I feel that it would lose some of the mystery of the situation.

For all we know, Checkers actually doesn't exist, and is a voice in Crimson's head. (possible twist at the end) As far as we are concerned, they haven't met in person, which makes this whole situation hold more potential of possible creepiness.

5170046
First decide if Checkers is real.
This is for you. The reader can stay confused up to the end.

If checkers is real, switch to his view on a scene change.

If checkers is just a voice in Crimson's head then don't do the switch.
Do what you were doing before.

I could see someone else (even if they are just a voice) say I didn't flip the cameras. Then Crimson does a check. He comes back and Checkers mentions something on the other monitors.

So you have a situation where Crimson is nuts and there is something nasty going on.

5170224 I've thought of that, but I've read a few creepypastas where something similar happens. The difference is there's just one security guard who thinks he sees something on the sales floor, so he goes to check it out. He does encounter something, and runs back to the security office. Once there, he rewinds the camera and watches in horror as he sees someone other than himself enter the room while he's gone, but not come out. It leaves you thinking there's someone, or something behind him or in the room with him.

I liked that story, and it inspired this idea, but I don't want to out right copy it. That's why I have two, put it in a factory with machines and have the cameras either malfunctioning, or have something control them.

If I go with idea one, I'm thinking some strange stuff can happen, and while Crimson might see it, Checkers doesn't see a thing. Or, the other way around.

With idea two, it could lead to the end of Crimson, and a possible reveal of Checkers being real or fake, depending on what I decide.

In a sense, I would be combining the ideas, as Crimson would take the phone (which is going to be cordless) with him so he can stay in touch with Checkers.

I want as much suspense as I can, and as many questions asked so when the end happens, it just drops jaws out of unexpectedness. You know what I mean? (if you'd like, I can pm you what I have so far tomorrow and you can give me your opinion of how to do that, if you're interested and have time)