Hey guys, I've asked this question already on two separate threads both here and here. However, the responses all have (relatively) little to say about Alternative Universe descriptions as they are not exactly too interested in that genre. I really need some help with both the long description as well as the short one. I have a prototype description for one of my stories below below:

As a young orphan, Twilight Sparkle foiled a would-be assassination on on the life of Princess Celestia, the monarch of the great nation of Celestine. In gratitude, Princess Celestia took the foal in as her personal protegee.

Years later, a terrible conspiracy is spreading across the country, and the minions of Discord are always watchful. When a pony from beyond the Heavenly Barriers appears, Twilight is swept into a plot that not even the vigilant barriers of Celestine can stop. The fall of the last pony nation looks to be only the beginning.

And there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

Any help would be gratefully appreciated!

Well, I'd recommend dropping " the monarch of the great nation of Celestine." as they know she's the ruler already just by her title and maybe remove the reference of "Celestine" from the description and save it for the story. From my own experience, there are a lot of people out there who are turned off AU's by even the smallest change. Save the bigger ones for the story itself after they've made an emotional investment in the story first.

Also, if Celestia named the country after herself, then her perception of her role might be much different. Maybe Queen Celestia?

As for the smaller description, how about "Orphaned filly Twilight Sparkle thwarts assassination of Princess Celestia and becomes her apprentice,"