Rewrite of "Exie's Second Wind" - Story contains clop. - Plan 9 from Equestria.

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Umachan #1 · Jul 1st, 2013 · 5 · ·

As some of you might know, a certain member of this group that we all know of has written some terrible clop. The thread turned into a bit of a mess and I said I'd rewrite his story just to show how it could have been done.

I've done so and I'll say right now that I've never attempted to write some erotic fiction so really I had nothing to base it on. I doubt I'd try again but we'll see.

In any case, for your perusal, here's a rewrite of "Exie's Second Wind". You have been warned.

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It had been a long day working at the doughnut shop but thankfully my shift was almost over. It had been a hard day, not only had it been busy at work but my marefriend cheated on me. The worst part of it was she never told me why. All I knew was that she had found another stallion and had moved her things out of my tiny Manehattan apartment.

I passed the cloth over the countertop, cleaning up the sticky pink icing that a bunch of foals had smeared all over it and hoping like hell that they didn't stick their gum under it. Dried gum is such a pain to get rid of.

Looking at the clock I still had five minutes to go but there was nothing left to do. I placed my head on the now clean counter and sighed, trying desperately to hold back the sadness and depression that was threatening to consume me. But my melancholia was shattered when I heard the bell ring and a customer appeared. Not just any customer but a pretty mare. In fact, she might be the prettiest mare I had ever seen in my life.

Her coat was a pale peach color and her crimson mane contrasted with her baby blue eyes. I swallowed hard and felt my wings tremble just from the sight of her. This was a mare who practically oozed sex with every move of her shapely flank and she knew it.

I cleared my throat and made my way to her table, "what can I get you?" I managed to say without squeaking or my voice cracking.

"Just a coffee, " she said in a voice that stroked my soul and threatened to turn my knees to butter. I stammered a response and with my cheeks flaming red made my way back to get her order ready. I tried to look at her but every time found her watching me like a predator so I whipped my head back only to try to catch her out of the corner of my eye a second later. I hadn't noticed before but she was wearing black socks on her hind legs and some kind of open sock on her front hooves. It wasn't often that you saw ponies wear clothes like this but on her, it seemed right.

I walked back to her table and placed her drink and a complementary doughnut in front of her.

"I didn't order this, " she said with a slight smile.

"It's on the house, " I managed to mumble.

Turning to leave I heard her say, "don't go, can you join me for a bit?"

I looked at the clock and saw my time was almost up so I slid into the booth on the other side of the table. She held out her hoof and said, "my name is Exie".

"You can call me Wind, " I said as I returned the gesture.

"Pleased to meet you Wind, " she said as she took a sip of her coffee. "I'm new in town and don't know a lot of ponies so I'm always up for making new friends. Can you tell me a little more about yourself?"

"Sure. I work here in the Doughnut Emporium but I guess you could already guess that. I don't come from Manehatten myself but from a small town called Roam in upstate Neigh York. I came to Manehatten to become a famous actor on Broadneigh but I still haven't gotten any roles so I do this and other things to pay the bills."

"That's nice, " she said as she placed her hoof over mine. It's a good thing that my coat was red because otherwise my blush would have been really obvious. Somehow I think she knew because she smiled a little wickedly but thankfully left her hoof where it was.

"Myself, I'm from all over. I don't stay for long anywhere. The wind calls my name and I follow." She smiled on saying that before adding, "and I guess that's why it brought me here."

"Sorry? Why's that?" I asked not understanding where she was going.

"Your name is Wind is it not? Sorry, I'm not much for telling jokes."

"Nonono, it's actually kinda funny. I'm sorry but my marefriend left me today and I'm just feeling a little off."

"Oh, that's too bad, I'm sorry to hear that. Although she's a fool to leave such a handsome stallion as yourself, " Exie said flirtatiously.

"She thinks I'm handsome?" I thought to myself. I tried to keep a smile from my face but I coulnd't help it. This absolutely beautiful mare thought I was handsome. Nopony, not even my marefriend ever called me that. There was a moment of silence as we just looked into each other's eyes. Maybe she was waiting for me to say something but my mind was a total blank, it had been short circuited by her kind words.

It was because of this that it took me a moment to realize that one of her hooves was gently stroking my leg under the table. When I looked at her she just smiled wickedly and I knew that I had to try something.

"Look, I'm uhmmmm kinda done for the day. Do you mind maybe coming back to my place and we'll continue this in private?" I said in what I hoped was a casual but smooth way.

"I'd love to."

We left the doughnut shop without paying and in hindsight I should have thought something like this was odd but my mind was so clouded by emotion and desire that I wasn't thinking clearly. The streets of Manehattan were strangely empty for this time of day but I didn't really notice as the only thing that was worth looking at was Exie. We finally got to my apartment and I led her inside. It wasn't much but then I couldn't afford all that much just working at a doughnut shop. Really it was just one room, but the good part was the only place to sit was the bed.

Exie plopped down onto the bed as I checked the fridge to see if I had any cider left I could offer her. It was as bare as how my heart felt when my marefriend left me. But I had to offer her something. "Would you like a glass of water or anything?"

"No, I'm good thanks, " she said as she patted the space next to her. I swallowed hard and made my way over to her. I wanted to leave a little space betweem us, not wanting to be too forward but I shouldn't have worried about that. The minute I sat down, she came over next to me and without warning kissed me hard on the lips.

I was shocked and just sat there while her soft lips moved over mine and I felt her tongue running across my lips seeking entrance. I relaxed and started to kiss her back, my mouth opening as well. Her tongue slid across mine as I tried desperately to kiss her back with passion and conviction.

"You're new at this aren't you?" she asked after pulling back. Her face was slightly flushed and I felt my cheeks burning as well.

"Uhmmm, yeah... I really haven't... done much... with a mare before, " I said lamely.

"With a mare? So does that mean you've only been with stallions and colts?" she said with a broad grin.

"No! Never! I-I-I j-just mean that I've never been with anypony before."

"I was only kidding. And I could tell that you're inexperienced. But that's okay. It's not my first time with a virgin. That is, " she lowered her eyes and looked shyly away, "unless you don't want me?"

"No! I mean yes! I mean I want you!" I was so embarassed right now that didn't know how to respond. Luckily Exie knew how to get a reaction. I felt her hoof run down my side until she made it my sheath and gently stroked it as she coaxed my penis to life. I gasped in surprise as this was the first time anypony had touched me other than myself. I was an experienced clopper, as were all colts but having another pony do it for you felt so much better.

"Oh, he's so cute, " Exie said as she brought me to my full length. I know I wasn't as big as other stallions out there but I don't think I was small either. "I think he wants a kiss." Leaning down she placed a soft kiss on the tip of my dick and I almost spasmed right there. Exie chuckled on seeing that and said, " and so eager too. Let's take care of this first to take the edge off and we'll get down to business later.

With those words she lowered her head and took the tip in her mouth. I gasped at how good it felt. Her tongue worked itself all over the tip while she gently jacked me up and down. Exie started bobbing her head in time to her hooves and I felt a familiar pressure building up in my balls. Actually that's a lie, this felt stronger than anything I had ever felt before even the very first time I had clopped.

"Here it comes, " I gasped. "Oh Celestia! I'm going to cum, " and I exploded in her mouth. She squeaked as the first blast hit the back of her throat but she did her best to swallow what she could. My body shook and I literaly felt this all the way down to my hooves. I had never experienced am orgasm so powerful in my life. It literally took my breath away.

As I lay there gasping for breath like a trout lying on the bank of the river, Exie lovingly cleaned my rapidly deflating penis with her tongue before scooting back up and with a wicked gleam in her eye kissed me. I was too shocked at first to register what she had done but I tasted my resiude on her lips and gagged slightly at the thought.

"That was lesson one. Never cum in a mare's mouth unless you want to get some in return."

I agreed and lay back, feeling a little drowsy and only wanting to go to sleep. That was not the case as Exie slapped me gently across the face and scowled at me.

"What was that for?" I asked.

"Lesson two. Never fall asleep on the mare you're with until she's gotten her cookie as well." EXie spread her legs and then nudged me down until I was face to face with her plot. I had never seen a real one up close. So far I had only seen them in magazines. I didn't know what to dobut Exie came to my rescue.

"Use your tongue. Pretend it's an ice cream and lick."

I tentatively put out my tongue and tasted her there. It wasn't bad. It tasted a little salty and had a flavor that I couldn't quite place but it was okay. I tried again and if anything she tasted better. So I tried a third time and before I knew it I was muzzle deep in her plot, running my tongue all over it and making smacking sounds as I did.

I must have been doing something right as Exie was moaning softly and coaxing me on by running her hooves through my mane. My mouth was getting a little tired with all the oral action I was giving her but I didn't want to stop.

"That's good, " she said breathlessly, "but you need to focus a little more on my clit."

"What's that?" I asked. I had heard the term used before by some of the colts I knew but I didn't know what it was other than paying attention to it made mares go crazy.

"Just at the top of my plot, right here, " she said motioning with her hoof, "you'll find a little bump like a button. Use your tongue on it but be gentle, it's very sensitive."

I probed with my tongue near the top until I felt a hard little bump and Exie gave a little yelp when my tongue passed over it. I tried it again and she moaned lustily so I guess this was her clit and continued to lick at it.

"Not so much, " she gasped almost in pain. "Use your tongue on my plot, stick it in, lick around the lips but don't just focus on my clit." I continued my oral ministrations and was rewarded with a satisfied, "that's it" from Exie.

"Oh, yessssss, " she hissed as her hips started to rock slightly and both her hooves were holding my head in place as I continued to lick at her slit. Her movements started to come stronger and a high keening sound was coming from her mouth. Her hooves grabbed my mane, her legs squeezed my head and her hips seemed to have come alive with a life of their own. I focused on her clit and ran my tongue rapidly over it when she suddenly tensed up, cried out in pleasure and I got a mouthful of her juice.

She relaxed completely which allowed me the chance to crawl up to her and lie down next to her. She smiled warmly and kissed me gently on the mouth.

"Was that lesson three?" I asked playfully.

I became aware of her hoof stroking my newly erect member before she said, "no, but what comes next is."

This was it. I was going to lose my virginity to a beautiful mare. One that thought I was handsome and who wouldn't cheat on me ever. I cast my old fillyfriend from my mind and readied myself for what came next but she didn't make a move. I looked at her expectantly, waiting for her to get on top but she just shook her head and said, "sorry loverboy, you need to do the work. So c'mon..."

She coaxed me so that I was lying on top of her amd after a few unsuccessful stabs trying to enter her, she reached down, lined me up and simply said, "push". The feeling was incredible. If her blowjob felt warm and wet and was good, it was nothing compared to how she felt down there.

It was hotter and tighter than her mouth and felt like the softest thing I could imagine. I gasped at the sheer sensation of it then finally bottomed out as our hips met.

"There you go, all the way in. You're no longer a virgin, " she smiled sexily at me.

I couldn't believe it. This was actually happening. I smiled mindlessly and just nodded my head. It was true. I was no longer a colt for I had become a stallion. I could have waited like that for an eternity, joined as we were like one but it instinct drove me forward.

I slowly started to pump my hips, fucking her for real and if the mere act of putting it in was great, this was incredible. Every movement brought new sensations and I became aware of a moaning sound only to realise it was coming from me. I glanced down at Exie and she just smiled knowingly. I had to kiss her, she looked so sexy lying there giving me a look full of lust.

It wasn't long before I felt a familiar tightness down below and I tried to stop it but it was like trying to hold back a tsunami and with a shout a came for the second time that evening. I collapsed onto Exie. We kissed and it wasn't long before my shrinking member slipped out of her and we lay there basking in the afterglow.

"So how was I?" I asked.

"Not bad. It's your first time but I'm sure you'll improve with time and practice."

"Does that mean that you'll be around to help me practice?" I asked in what I hoped was a flirtatious manner.

Exie just smiled and said, "we'll see how things are tomorrow. Right now, I think it's a good thing that we go to sleep."

I fell asleep almost immediately, thoughts of Exie in my mind.

The next morning I awoke a little late and reached out next to me only to find the sheets were cold which meant Exie had left a while ago. But it didn't matter. I was no longer a colt. The guys at the doughnut shop would really get a kick out of what happened. Smiling happily to myself I went to the kitchen to make some coffee only to find the coffee can I kept my extra bits in was already open and empty. Well, not completely empty in that there was a hastily written note sitting in it.

"Dear Wind,

Thank you for last night. I needed a place to stay and you were so sweet to offer. I had to leave early to catch the morning train to Ponyville. Thank you for the bits, they'll come in handy for the trip.

Love Exie."

CometTail

CometTail #2 · Jul 1st, 2013 · · ·

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