Alright, here it goes. My fic is named Evil Rises, and it can be found at this address http://www.fimfiction.net/story/83737/evil-rising .It's about how Celestia's best agent, Voltaic Shock, has to protect Twilight Sparkle from the growing evil in Equestria, where dark and evil creatures are growing bolder in their attacks on the citizenry of the nation. No shipping in it whatsoever. I just want someone to comment and tell me what's works, what fails, and how the story can be improved. Please?

728171 I've had a look over it and I have a few suggestions your questions.

What works
1. Twilight's character seems to be fairly spot on in terms of show canon.

2. Your usage of grammar is overall quite good. consistent paragraphing makes this quite easy to read over.

3. You have managed to lay down the framework for a solid piece of plot development with Nightmare Moon having survived. Just make sure that you have some means to explain it.

What doesn't work
1. The tone of the fic varies quite a bit, especially in the prologue chapter. It's almost as if you don't quite know what you want the story to be - a serious tale or a comedy. The way in which Celestia and Luna bicker doesn't quite fit in well with the rest of the stories tone.

2. Character name change. You mention that you have changed the name of your OC in the author notes, but there is still one reference to his (I am assuming) earlier name in the prologue.

'“Daylight, please come in. We’ve been expecting you.” - I am assuming that Daylight was his earlier name and this escaped the purge.

3. The entire concept of Twilight and Voltaic having never met before. If he is Celestia's right hoof and she her closest student, then the chance that they would never have met in any form before seems unlikely.

732171 Thanks for the feedback. I wanted to add a little bit of humor in there to show how she's slipped past Celestia's radar, but if it seems out of place, I'll just remove it. The reason Twilight and Voltaic never met before, by the way, is because he almost never gets called to Canterlot, as his mission is to be actively involved in the areas that need the most attention in Equestria. I should have made that clearer, so any misunderstanding on your part is entirely my fault. Sorry .

734535 It's not so much the humour as the actual diction itself. Luna's use of the word 'Troll' just doesn't quite fit the situation, given both Luna's desire to use archaic words and as the rest of the story appears quite serious. If you could find a slightly different way to describe that section it might flow better.