Dark forces are rising once again. Evils once thought to have been vanquished when Nightmare Moon was defeated are gathering strength, and their attacks on the citizens of Equestria grow bolder with each passing week. To ensure the usage of the Elements of Harmony, Princess Celestia sends her best agent, Voltaic Shock, to Ponyville to act as Twilight's bodyguard.
But all is not as it seems, and an unexpected encounter with an old and powerful foe shakes up the playing field before the final pieces have been set. Can Voltaic help stem the tide of darkness threatening to overwhelm Equestria? Or will evil finally triumph? Read here to find out.
Notes: This story takes place a few days after "Luna Eclipsed," hence nothing from Season Three or even later on in Season Two being in here.
Hmm, okay. Seems alright so far.
But you don't put a space between quotation marks, as I've noticed you doing, especially when starting a new line.
" Rather than this..."
"Do this."
2120391 Thanks for the input! I'm just glad someone likes it. I'll edit this and see how it does.
There's nothing inherently wrong with an OC, but Daylight Glimmer? Seriously? It also feels like he's missing the fleshing out necessary for him to be an actual character and not a "HI I'M AN ORIGINAL CHARACTER." Right now he seems like something the author put there rather than someone who has always lived in this world.
2129382 I'm sorry,I just really suck at coming up with names. Despite the implications of the name, there will be no shipping with anyone. Thank you for the feedback
, I'll be sure to try and flesh him out more in the second chapter. Or, at least, I'll try
.
Hello reading buddy! Sorry this came a little late, but I'm here now!
The story itself is mostly fine, but something that struck me a little odd was that Twilight didn't seem concerned Shining Armor or Cadence was missing. If she didn't know that would be fine, but we don't know that she doesn't know. Perhaps showing a little concern about Shining not have written back or a comment from Celestia to not tell Twilight about Shining missing would clear this up. That's really my only problem with the story.
But there are some other worries. Sometimes I feel word choice is a little weird. Most of the time it is fine, but sometimes they say things that kind of shock you out of the story. But the biggest concern is some odd inconsistencies you have. Some odd spacing issue in dialogue. You put a space after your quotations like this.
“ You won’t get rid of me that easily Twilight!” See it? They seem to pepper your sentences randomly. Also you forget to put spaces after punctuation. Or you randomly misuse "its" when you need "it's". The oddest part is that they are random! So I think you just need to read over it more carefully or grab an editor. But overall I think it's a lovely story and with a few clean up in the grammar and spelling department it will be an awesome thing to read! I'll be watching!
Final Score: 7/10 (Just for grammar)
Your friendly pyromaniac
-Dj Pyro 3
2199843 The story takes place before season 3. I guess I should have specified that. Sorry
. Thanks for looking at it though, I'll be lucky if it gets 100 views. Not bad for a first attempt though. I'll go through and fix those stupid grammar mistakes.
I really like the depictions of Twilight, Luna, and Celestia in this fic. They're a bit different, but not so much that I would say is out of character, and I think it works here.
2201112 Thanks for the feedback
. I'm currently writing a different and smaller fic to expand my writing skills so that I can come back and finish this one in a better way.
I'm thoroughly enjoying this, but you need to check your writing over for mistakes, as I've seen quite a few errors in this and the prologue such as the spacing between quotation marks and full stops. i also saw a double space like this '*word* *next word*'. Alas, these can be disregarded, but it might put off some of your 'eagle eyed' readers. Try and check for things like these in the next chapters (or get an editor) but if there are problems like time constraints (or simply overall procrastination) for you then it doesn't matter. The setting is great and I can't wait for this to unfold in the next chapters.
oh the irony, I just put up a comment regarding errors, but then (of course) I find said errors in my own comment.
2489817 Thanks for the feedback
. I thought I had purged all those pesky spacing errors by now, but I guess I missed a few. Sorry 
. Oh, and don't worry about such errors in the future; this story was written when I was just starting out( just be glad you never saw the first draft 
), and subsequent chapters will be better in every way.
Um, there appears to be a humongous piece of blank at the end of this chapter.
Overall kind of disappointed. This was one of those ridiculously overused "the OC is introduced to Pinkie and Ponyville's insanity" chapters, and not much else.
2569754 Your comment makes me wonder how many other people were disappointed and just didn't tell me. I'm not going to lie, that's a little disheartening to hear. What could I do to make it better?
2570603
I'd move on and keep writing. Looks like you reached the plot anyway.
The solution to avoiding seemingly generic OC chapters is writing OCs that feel like part of the world and not OCs that are there because the author wanted an OC there for whatever reason. Its not easy to do or explain. Voltaic says he works for Celestia, but it feels like he reads his background info off a script. His opinion on Ponyville and Pinkie aren't opinions, they are the generic description a fan of the show thinks a stranger would give.
Overall, a good chapter. The writing for the mane six was well done, (especially Pinkie's and Applejack's) and I was grinning at some parts (primarily due to Pinkie's shenanigans).
There were some typing errors (but only four or so) and I spotted one double space between words, but it wasn't nearly as bad as the first chapter. One thing that was a little bit concerning, was the steep plunge into the story, "started feeling very nauseated" and such past that point. It felt a bit weird, and I didn't really expect it, but not in that kind of good way. There should have been a build up, leading to that point, or something along those terms, instead of just throwing the reader into the main current of the story so abruptly.
Twilight's shouting "wr-AGGHHHNOTAGAIN" and "YOU PUT THAT BOOK BACK RIGHT NOW!" kind of took her out of character, but it was nothing I couldn't overlook for now. Try to avoid putting stuff like that into your writing, as it makes you look like a novice, which I assure you, you're not.
Looking forward to how this story goes on!
2571607 You've shown me the problem, and now I, as a writer, have a duty to fix that problem. OC's aren't my strong suit, and this is going to help me flesh him out a lot more.
2572233 So many mistakes
. Yeah, I'm starting to regret that now, but in my defense, this was the 9th draft of the chapter and I wanted to get it over with. I will probably go back and rewrite part of it to introduce more build-up, but that won't be for a while. As for that part about not being a novice writer, I can assure you that I am. This is the second draft of the first story I ever wrote outside of school, and writing is still something I'm learning. Thanks for the compliment though. 
I want to thank both of you for commenting on this chapter. It was very tough for me to complete due to personal issues and school stuff beyond my control. It's criticism like this that helps people grow as writers, even the mediocre ones like me. Fun fact: this is the 9th draft of chapter two.
Voltaic Shock.
Oh that name.