Let me help with anything involving editing. Just reading a bit of what jaysnotreal had shared, here's just a bit of advice that may be helpful for you:

• I understand the way that you've structured your writing and when you have speech, it is best advised you start a new paragraph for a change in voice. This may also have to do with the layout of your writing, but whatever floats your boat, keeps it seaworthy. We might need to discuss if we are using the TNaB style of writing or the other method of laying out work for consistency reasons. And by other style, I mean this as an example.

"Why are you doing this, Heinrich?" Jedediah questioned his companion's cold, ever-dwindling support for his actions against their ruthless government.

All the slender, wrinkled croon did was smile maliciously. His eyes stared anxiously back at Jedediah, piercing into his very soul, sending a wave of fear reverberating throughout his body. That weathered face of his, scratched by the countless sandstorms of his home country, Neiar, continued to show no signs of anything remotely mortal.

Heaving the iron blade that Jedediah himself assisted in forging, tainted with the blood of those Heinrich had slain so easily. The hilt of the very blade, that over-sized, translucent opal; it was Cersa's once. No other place in the world will have such a deep, silver tinge to their gemstones than those born in Zalos. Poor Cersa, she was once my fiancé in another time, but now all that remains is a mindless drone with the same body as her. And all because of him…

"There's no use fighting it…" He snarls in a deep, unrefined tone, raising his magnificent blade on high. "Just let it happen and everything will be alright."

"Is that what you said when they converted you?" Jedediah desperately pleaded for his friend to find a shred of his merry old self.

"Of course." Heinrich shrugged off what had been said. "And now it's your turn."

•Who, what, when, where, why, and how: Yes, yes, it's an oldie but a goodie. Describe the scene, say when this scene happens, who's there, what are they doing there, why they are there and how they do things. It almost seems to sudden because we don't know where we are initially, which is confusing and may have viewers going: "What the?" Plus, there needs to be more development before your main character can begin explaining his life story. He's not Forrest Gump with a box of chocolates, played by Tom Hanks, in a multiple Academy Award-winning movie, taking the meaning of this paragraph off topic completely.

Here are a few tips I scrounged up from the Internet and personal experience that everyone may be interested in:

–Providing more detail by elaborating on descriptions and actions when writing. But sometimes, less is more.
–Consistency is a powerful tool. Any variation in your style will help create more impact in whatever you are trying to write.
–Too much is worse than not enough. Verbosity, prolixity, garrulousness, lorgorrhea and wordiness is something you want to avoid…
–Have a dictionary and thesaurus around with you when writing. You want to change some of the words to help decorate a story. Seriously, who wants a cake without any frosting, icing, or those little edible flowers? No one likes eating dry cake. Having a solid storyline, constant and persistent themes, and intriguing characters makes the actual cake base. Let's make this cake look amazing.
–Music helps with writing. I have a friend who has a good taste in music and is an awesome writer, but I know that s/he will not want to be apart of this. S/he's not really a pony fan. But yeah, as long as music doesn't distract you, play something that can easily be put on in the background.

Apart from that, the sky's the limit. If any of you want help with proofreading or anything else, I'll be happy to oblige.

[Note: The following image is intended as a joke, but brings up valid points.]