As always, I hope I don't sound too critical, and if you don't want me to write 12-page critique analyses of every chapter in the comments, feel free to let me know.
It's been a long time since a story actually kept me interested for more than 2 chapters, and when I love something, I also love to critique it, so I hope you take it as a compliment. Now, down to business!
City Hall and Courthouse
Don't need to be capitalized, as they aren't proper nouns.
Your scenery descriptions are sweet, but we need more of them!
Even with the talon mercenaries Gunsmoke had hired, they most likely wouldn't succeed in taking their prize.
Sounds just a little bit awkward, with the "even with" part that doesn't really match up with the other half of the sentence. Maybe something like "Even the mercenaries Gunsmoke had hired would likely fail to take their prize." Nice use of expressions though.
There was no way to insure that
"Ensure" is the word. (had to look this up to confirm, lol, I forget a lot.)
That revelation about Sandy's past (Don't wanna spoil) was very nicely done! Great example using show rather than tell. I didn't see that one coming.
For as long as he could remember, Sandy had idolized Pinkie Pie.
This sentence is another example of show vs. tell. For future reference, don't just tell the reader that Pinkie is idolized, show it. perhaps over time. Make a reference or hint at his love for Pinkie (for example, by showing him having a lucky charm involving Pinkie Pie, or gazing fondly at a poster with her on it, etc., and then later on, show his memory. If you just say "Sandy idolized Pinkie Pie, here's why" it's not as engaging to the reader.
The memory sequence was enjoyable, but it's an example of one the few recurring flaws in your writing: lots of telling the reader about things, and not as much showing through dialogue, events, etc.
She sat alone in the corner, studying something in her hoof. The grey mare...
And her name is Rock? I know where this is going!
Her mane and tail were lavender in color, and straight.
I knew it!
I already love "Rock" as a character.
As he approached he began to sweat. The nerves in his stomach really did begin to feel like butterflies were flapping around in there! He couldn't think of anything to say. Anything resembling intelligence escaped his mind.
Nice use of descriptions to show us how "Sandy" is feeling
Upon seeing the two of them, Pinkie Pie's expression lit up. The smile she already wore stretched to impossible lengths.
More great descriptors. Love it!
Sandy changed his expression from excited, to deadly serious. "Oh I don't think so..." The others regarded him for a moment, with skeptical looks. Then as quickly as his expression changed, it whipped right back into the biggest, most excited, smile he could muster. "I know so!"
Great callback to the episode. And once more, great use of descriptors to set the scene!
I'm really starting to love our main trio. They're feeling more and more relateable. Their humor is a great counterpoint to the darkness of the setting.
Unicorn
Doesn't need to be capitalized
"Ugh." Sugar moaned. "I'm not sticking around for this. You guys are idiots. Grass, you got any good books lying around?"
Smart girl, Sugar. Winners don't do drugs.
That's what this spell can do - bring some hope back to the citizens of Equestria.”
That's a really unique idea. But I'm sure SOMETHING will go horribly wrong... this is FoE after all.
The scene where they all get high could have been really cheesy and dumb, but it was really genuine. Getting high with someone is a great way to start a friendship... hopefully Sortilege and the main trio start to bond a little more like that.
One last nitpick: there's an overabundance of instances where there's a short paragraph, following a train of though that ends half finished, and then it's completed with a sentence fragment on a new line. That's not bad in itself, but it gets repetitive when it happens so much. Try and vary your writing style a little bit.
Overall, the plot is falling into place, the characters are feeling nice and relateable, and the setting is engrossing. I'm seriously digging this story. Like I said earlier, this is the first story that's caught my interest in a long while... can't wait to see how the next few chapters go.
5371608 I love your critiques! Thank you so much for pointing out the things I need to work on, It really helps. Also, they're mostly positive and they really help a lot. I'm glad the story has caught your attention :) that makes me happy and I do take everything you say as a compliment. This is my first story so I'm really working on trying to improve with each chapter and with people like you giving me input I feel like I am. The "show vs tell" issue is something I'm struggling with but something that I'm really trying to catch myself on. I understand what you're saying though. Thank you so much for your input. It does really help a lot :)
5371658 No worries man. Show/Tell is something I worry about too. That and cutting down my content, I like to talk on and on and on and on and overdescribe things. (As you can probably guess, lol.)
That was interesting, I'll have to keep an eye on the adventuress of the million cap mare (on drugs!). Hopefully she kicks tobacco soon; it simply doesn't compare to wonders of wondering how a lamp lamps.
5436702 Thank you for your kind words! I hope you enjoy what's to come. Next chapter will be out fairly soon. Also, I will be more wary of calling it the Ministry of Magic in the future. I knew it was Arcane Science but think I just typed in a hurry and my editors didn't catch it I changed it though! It's all fixed now! and yes Sortilege shouldn't smoke. Neither should I Her and I seem to have a tendency to fall into bad habits. Oh well. Maybe I'll end up kicking mine and we'll see what others Sorts picks up along the way
5439278 No, you shouldn't smoke tobacco. I'm sure you've hear the spiel, so I'll spare you it.
It's still entertaining to see an admittedly implausible marihuana session in the wasteland. Nice change of pace from my usual.
As an editor, I always try to at least give honest feedback, especially on stories where there aren't a lot of views or comments. So long as its a good story. As an editor, I'd have suggested a less crazy bounty. I mean 100k only to be later informed of it being 1m? Maybe 50k or 100k to 150-500k, but that's literal TONS of money. Exactly 2.5, actually, if you're using a .08 ounce bottlecap. Not that every cap is the same mass. But it's still 5,000 pounds to carry around. They'll need to ask for water talismans or something instead. Or pipbucks, pipbuck accessories, rare weaponry, medical supplies, and the like. I'd suggest not using gold; it's hardly something with a set post-apocalyptic value.
5439620 Yeah I've heard the spiel but I've quit for the most part. Haven't had an actual cigarette in about a month so I'm doing good. I'm glad you enjoyed the smoking session. I was really nervous writing it because I didn't want it to just come across as "lol they're getting high!' but wanted it to be kind of a genuine bonding moment for the characters. I haven't got any flak for it yet so It would appear I succeeded and that makes me happy
5439645 Argh, you replied while I was distractedly editing more thing into my reply.
Yes, you did write it well. It defies all logic but it couldn't be better fitting to the story … somehow. It's good to hear you've just about kicked your smoking habit, too.
Yes, you did write it well. It defies all logic but it couldn't be better fitting to the story … somehow
Yes! Totally what I'm aiming for! just trying to make things interesting and enjoyable :)
Also I'll provide a really lazy, half assed and silly explanation for where Smokin' Grass actually gets his stuff. But enough sillyness for the time being. A little serious time lies ahead ;)
5456904 No , fallout 3 isn't windows 7/8 compatible and it won't let itself install in a place where it'd work (I tried). But really, barter (or stashing some of them for later) is a less conspicuous thing to do. The other mercs would rob them blind if they had a few carts of caps behind them.
5456947 Eh well we shall see what happens when we get to the end of the story ;P The girls haven't really thought things through completely as they kind of tend to do.
5456947 Fallout 3 can work on windows 7. It works for me. You should try googling around, there's probably fix for the problem. Also, NV definitely works on Windows 7. You should definitely look into it, they're both very good.
5534353 Glad you seem to be enjoying it :) this is my first story and I know my grammar and my show vs tell needs a lot of work and those are both things I've been improving upon as I go. I hope you continue to enjoy the story and thanks for your comment :)
Whoo, new chapter!
As always, I hope I don't sound too critical, and if you don't want me to write 12-page critique analyses of every chapter in the comments, feel free to let me know.
It's been a long time since a story actually kept me interested for more than 2 chapters, and when I love something, I also love to critique it, so I hope you take it as a compliment. Now, down to business!
Don't need to be capitalized, as they aren't proper nouns.
Your scenery descriptions are sweet, but we need more of them!
Sounds just a little bit awkward, with the "even with" part that doesn't really match up with the other half of the sentence. Maybe something like "Even the mercenaries Gunsmoke had hired would likely fail to take their prize."
Nice use of expressions though.
"Ensure" is the word. (had to look this up to confirm, lol, I forget a lot.)
That revelation about Sandy's past (Don't wanna spoil) was very nicely done! Great example using show rather than tell. I didn't see that one coming.
This sentence is another example of show vs. tell. For future reference, don't just tell the reader that Pinkie is idolized, show it. perhaps over time. Make a reference or hint at his love for Pinkie (for example, by showing him having a lucky charm involving Pinkie Pie, or gazing fondly at a poster with her on it, etc., and then later on, show his memory. If you just say "Sandy idolized Pinkie Pie, here's why" it's not as engaging to the reader.
The memory sequence was enjoyable, but it's an example of one the few recurring flaws in your writing: lots of telling the reader about things, and not as much showing through dialogue, events, etc.
And her name is Rock? I know where this is going!
I knew it!
I already love "Rock" as a character.
Nice use of descriptions to show us how "Sandy" is feeling
More great descriptors. Love it!
Great callback to the episode. And once more, great use of descriptors to set the scene!
I'm really starting to love our main trio. They're feeling more and more relateable. Their humor is a great counterpoint to the darkness of the setting.
Doesn't need to be capitalized
Smart girl, Sugar. Winners don't do drugs.
That's a really unique idea. But I'm sure SOMETHING will go horribly wrong... this is FoE after all.
The scene where they all get high could have been really cheesy and dumb, but it was really genuine. Getting high with someone is a great way to start a friendship... hopefully Sortilege and the main trio start to bond a little more like that.
One last nitpick: there's an overabundance of instances where there's a short paragraph, following a train of though that ends half finished, and then it's completed with a sentence fragment on a new line. That's not bad in itself, but it gets repetitive when it happens so much. Try and vary your writing style a little bit.
Overall, the plot is falling into place, the characters are feeling nice and relateable, and the setting is engrossing. I'm seriously digging this story. Like I said earlier, this is the first story that's caught my interest in a long while... can't wait to see how the next few chapters go.
Oh yeah, one last issue...
We need more!
5371608 I love your critiques! Thank you so much for pointing out the things I need to work on, It really helps. Also, they're mostly positive and they really help a lot. I'm glad the story has caught your attention :) that makes me happy and I do take everything you say as a compliment. This is my first story so I'm really working on trying to improve with each chapter and with people like you giving me input I feel like I am. The "show vs tell" issue is something I'm struggling with but something that I'm really trying to catch myself on. I understand what you're saying though. Thank you so much for your input. It does really help a lot :)
5371658
No worries man. Show/Tell is something I worry about too. That and cutting down my content, I like to talk on and on and on and on and overdescribe things. (As you can probably guess, lol.)
That was interesting, I'll have to keep an eye on the adventuress of the million cap mare (on drugs!). Hopefully she kicks tobacco soon; it simply doesn't compare to wonders of wondering how a lamp lamps.
Also:
It's Ministry of Arcane Sciences.
5436702 Thank you for your kind words! I hope you enjoy what's to come. Next chapter will be out fairly soon. Also, I will be more wary of calling it the Ministry of Magic in the future. I knew it was Arcane Science but think I just typed in a hurry and my editors didn't catch it I changed it though! It's all fixed now! and yes Sortilege shouldn't smoke. Neither should I Her and I seem to have a tendency to fall into bad habits. Oh well. Maybe I'll end up kicking mine and we'll see what others Sorts picks up along the way
5439278 No, you shouldn't smoke tobacco. I'm sure you've hear the spiel, so I'll spare you it.
It's still entertaining to see an admittedly implausible marihuana session in the wasteland. Nice change of pace from my usual.
As an editor, I always try to at least give honest feedback, especially on stories where there aren't a lot of views or comments. So long as its a good story. As an editor, I'd have suggested a less crazy bounty. I mean 100k only to be later informed of it being 1m? Maybe 50k or 100k to 150-500k, but that's literal TONS of money. Exactly 2.5, actually, if you're using a .08 ounce bottlecap. Not that every cap is the same mass. But it's still 5,000 pounds to carry around. They'll need to ask for water talismans or something instead. Or pipbucks, pipbuck accessories, rare weaponry, medical supplies, and the like. I'd suggest not using gold; it's hardly something with a set post-apocalyptic value.
5439620 Yeah I've heard the spiel but I've quit for the most part. Haven't had an actual cigarette in about a month so I'm doing good. I'm glad you enjoyed the smoking session. I was really nervous writing it because I didn't want it to just come across as "lol they're getting high!' but wanted it to be kind of a genuine bonding moment for the characters. I haven't got any flak for it yet so It would appear I succeeded and that makes me happy
5439645 Argh, you replied while I was distractedly editing more thing into my reply.
Yes, you did write it well. It defies all logic but it couldn't be better fitting to the story … somehow. It's good to hear you've just about kicked your smoking habit, too.
Yes! Totally what I'm aiming for! just trying to make things interesting and enjoyable :)
Also I'll provide a really lazy, half assed and silly explanation for where Smokin' Grass actually gets his stuff. But enough sillyness for the time being. A little serious time lies ahead ;)
5439620 Ha! Have you not played Fallout? Bottlecaps have no weight! ;P
But no seriously they'll find means to transport them.
5456904
No , fallout 3 isn't windows 7/8 compatible and it won't let itself install in a place where it'd work (I tried). But really, barter (or stashing some of them for later) is a less conspicuous thing to do. The other mercs would rob them blind if they had a few carts of caps behind them.
5456947 Eh well we shall see what happens when we get to the end of the story ;P The girls haven't really thought things through completely as they kind of tend to do.
5456970 Oh dear, it's worse than I thought. Maybe sortiledge can help! If she sates her desire to get high, that is.
5456947
Fallout 3 can work on windows 7. It works for me. You should try googling around, there's probably fix for the problem. Also, NV definitely works on Windows 7. You should definitely look into it, they're both very good.
5473360 Of the windows 7/8 it said it wasn't optimized for, I have 8.1; it won't even pass the launcher.
5534353 Glad you seem to be enjoying it :) this is my first story and I know my grammar and my show vs tell needs a lot of work and those are both things I've been improving upon as I go. I hope you continue to enjoy the story and thanks for your comment :)