An Update: I've Not Been Doing So Well Lately

I know I have a habit of this recently, but I do think it needs to be said, and it's this: although I say I might hate somebody for whatever reason, I seriously don't. I can hate somebody's guts, but never the person they are. The only ONLY reason that I'd hate a person fully is if they did something that affected me on a personal level that sends me into a fit of rage.

I've been thinking a lot these past few days. And yes, it is about my grandmother. I haven't seen her in weeks. Last time was at her house with my dad before going to work with him, just to say hello and make her breakfast. I'd sit and talk to her for a bit after that.

We have a...complex relationship. She's been paternal to me for my entire life basically. Then I realised a lot of the stuff she told me about everything, including my mother and what she was like - a topic that has no right to be spoken about by anybody in my family - was a total lie. It lead to almost falling out with my father, made me say some pretty nasty shit about my step-mum, even though we hardly know each other despite living together for somewhere over a decade. A lot of horrible things have been said that was NOT necessary. For that, I do hold some hate...

...but for christ's sake, I don't hate her guts! She's done a lot of things to upset me and said stuff that has hurt me, yes, but she's the closest thing to a mother I've had despite being that level of mean with me on occasion. I'm sat thinking about all of the good times we've had. I can't take that away or demerit her for trying to make me happy as a child, and it worked. It didn't buy my unspoken loyalty, but I was there for her at least. It lead to me being a ten year old taking care of her by making cups of tea and shopping with her. It wasn't my responsibility, of course, but I was there and did regular grandchild things.

I do not speak about my personal life very often for a lot of reasons. Mostly because I don't want to give off the impression that I'm a sorrowful, miserable person suffering in silence with severe depression, etc, you know, the usual stuff. I haven't really slept that much in the past couple nights. Nor have I eaten or drank much. Why? Because I'm miserable. I never thought I'd react this way, but after hearing what my grandmother is like, I feel nothing but utterly horrible and bad for her, knowing she's not even at home and she's been stuck in hospital for over a week, not knowing who she is and being all loopy...it seriously hurts inside. I haven't openly cried yet, but holy hell have I come close to it. I'm trying not to right now.

I want to see her again because I don't know when the last time will be, and I fear the last time I saw her weeks ago will and was the last time I'll ever see her. I don't want that to be cemented. I've been sat here waiting for an update on her, and I happened to be called out by my auntie just moments ago as she pulled up in her car whilst I was leaving the garage. I asked about her and heard some pretty sad stuff. She's the only one allowed to see her due to the virus.

So I don't know what I'm going to do to keep myself occupied in the meantime. I've been playing Minecraft and trying to open my shop again on EtsyUK right to distract myself, and it's not really working out for me. I've basically been sat here since waiting for the news that my grandmother is gone. And...I don't know what I'll do then.

All I wanted to do to cope with all of this is drink until I'm too numb to feel or think of anything but being drunkenly sick, but I'm not going to do that. I can't stomach alcohol anymore. I've been down the road of alcoholism before and I don't want a relapse.

If I've been relatively quiet recently, now you know why. I didn't really want to make this public as it doesn't seem right to me, but there is literally nothing else to do to occupy my time and my mind is as knackered as I think it's ever been. That's why I tried making the blog post before this one, to try and cheer myself up. I'm so so SO sick of being so sad all the time.

I can do nothing else but sit and wait for news, and that alone has me devastated.

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- CryingRain 💙💔

2021 to me is worse than 2020. The next two days will mark the anniversary of another loss in my family, so I'm not looking forward to that either.

On a secondary note: I've been in and out of hospital myself this year for a separate issue that's taken its toll on me after fighting with it for around a decade. I have at least some answers, but it's just the start of more underlying issues that have yet to be fixed, so I'm not looking forward to most of that if the meds that I'm supposed to be on already - but haven't because they've not gone through yet even after over a week of waiting - work and they at least make me stop feeling like such a run over piece of hot garbage. Then I can start feeling the minutest hint of human once again. Until that day arrives, I shall sit here and be mentally and physically exhausted and beyond consolation.

It's not a fun ride, people. I have doubts on me being alive to see my 30's if it gets any worse, because I already know what I have can become easily fatal. All the more reason to worry.

Comments

[Gyro Pony]

That’s rough man.

Sure, I don’t go voyeur-ing into other people’s lives, but I know you’ve had bad times lately.

I’ve gone through the ordeal of seeing loved ones in hospital... then taking them out, looking after them... then back to hospital.... then out again.
It was bad. I mean real bad. The hospital did things that lead to her death. The coroner started an investigation and the police had to extract her medical records from the hospital by force as the doctors were not willing to hand over the incriminating evidence.

Your circumstances are different, but having a grandmother in hospital and “not knowing” is the worst thing. At night - rest. You will need your energy later on.

Keeping busy (or rather - feeling worthwhile through activity) is important. Depression and demotivation are two old friends of mine that always keep knocking. You have an Etsy store mate? Throw yourself in that if paid work is still scant. Paid work for myself is very inconsistent so that’s why I’m studying and doing my best to be religious with it.

I say that we should be allowed to feel miserable sometimes. But dwelling on it gets us in a rut. That’s a problem I have and it’s hard to kick. Because demotivation eventually follows.

I don’t know man, I wish you the best.
Keep your spirit alive.

[Ribe_FireRain]

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Yeah...it never gets any easier, does it? You know what will happen in the end, regardless. Medical neglect is sadly a very real thing and when it's treated apathetically, nothing ever gets better and the neglect is so strong that they couldn't care less if you were dead or dying. I don't know what to say to that, honestly, but I'm sincerely hoping that it finally got uncovered and they were exposed for what they did. It's no joke allowing a person to get even worse and eventually pass.

I hardly sleep, man. I just woke up. At most, if I do sleep, I'll get maybe a few hours in and then wake up again and struggle to fall back to sleep. I can't even be bothered to eat or drink much. Tie that in with my pre-existing depression and the medical issues I'm personally trying to push through and then you'll realise I have zero energy 24/7 and I don't want to do anything else aside from cry because I don't have the willpower to resist the urge.

And yes, I do have a shop on Etsy. Had one since 2017, I think it was when I first joined. I'm opening it again shortly. I've been practicing. I'm not sure I got the right paint colour, the red is a bit too orangey and bright for what I intended it for, and I'm trying both spray paint and hand painting. I'm looking more into the props game, making stuff from Fallout. I want to give it a try. At least I can make some money out of it if actual paid work isn't coming around for me - as you've also said is your issue.

This is going to sound stupid coming from me, but when you say ''we should be allowed to feel miserable sometimes'', yes, you are right, but it's important not to stay sad for too long otherwise you'll drag yourself into a big black pit and you'll be stuck in there. Imagine getting your legs stuck in a tar pool. You won't be going anywhere, apart from down before drowning in a thick stew. Ironic how this is a lesson I know but often don't follow through with.

I don't know, man. I don't. I'm just too f-ing sad and worried to be bothered to take care of myself properly right now.