(VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED) I don't know if I want to be a part of that - feel free to skip this one. This took forever to put down into words, and I think I'm finally comfortable enough to share this abuse story and life decision with the rest · 6:39pm Apr 16th, 2021
WARNING: This blog is going to get a little dark and also questionable, so if you don't want to deal with any of what I'm about to say, feel free to step out. I have a gut feeling a lot of what I am about to say will be controversial to some and won't sit right with others. I'm going to be getting into a lot of deep, personal territory in this one about childhood abuse, neglect and verbal abuse and physical abuse. Thanks.
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I have had to deal with a lot of wrong in my life and even more because I was too adolescent to notice or see it. Or maybe I did and didn't want to admit it. In my older age, I got the sense that a lot wasn't right and even more was about to go wrong, and it did.
I'm not here to talk about a life experience that was traumatic or a deep, dark story full of depression, this is instead going to be quite the opposite and it's about a life decision that has yet to be made because the event hasn't happened yet.
I'm talking about my grandmother. I lived with her my whole life. I was basically brought up by her. Out of all my brothers, I was the only one who stayed along with her the most because I enjoyed being at her house, enough that I ended up with my own bedroom. Due to family issues that derailed many things, including my own happiness, I got taken in by my grandmother as a guardian along with my brother.
We stayed with her for a long time all through my childhood and all through my years in primary school. That would make me around five years old until around my mid-teens. By time I was in secondary school, I was on-off between my house and my grandmother's house. All this time I spent with her, I was almost never at my dad's house. In short, that time with her meant I had endless times of her waffling info in my ear I didn't want to know about or hear. Most of it was none of my business and even more wasn't her right to say or pass judgement on.
I spent my entire life doing nothing but taking care of my grandmother when it should have been the other way around. As I said, I was a five year old - let that sink in - doing stuff nobody else of that age should have to do. I went shopping with her, willing or not, at times I got a little physically beaten up by her, I got forced into many things I don't want to discuss, I've had pretty much my entire childhood taken away from me, never able to grow up normally like the rest of my friends, partially because of having to take care of her.
To put it simply, my grandmother, I discovered only recently, is not a nice woman. She's a liar, a manipulative sociopath and the most selfish bastard I have in my life, excluding one other person who I don't want to waste any more breath thinking or talking about. Because of her, I nearly fell out with my dad. Because of her, I am vilified to a certain extent by my dad's partner - we're working through that currently, things are a bit better than they were thankfully - and if that wasn't enough, I'm expected to just go along with it...like it never happened.
She has done a lot of things to hurt a lot of people. She's the type who doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut, and her sister, my auntie (sadly deceased) was the same, but she really liked me and always treated me nice. Like a human. Grandma treated me like a servant, as did grandad, from that young age to present, but I think 'slave' sounds more appropriate.
Bringing me up from such a young age and me not knowing any better, she did nothing but lie to me about the majority of things in my life, going as far to paint herself as a 'saint' type figure and everyone else as an anti-christ, if that's an appropriate analogy. Nobody but her is trustworthy. Nobody but her is perfect. Nobody but her knows best. Don't listen to them, listen to me. They're wrong, I'm right. That is honestly how her brain works. She'd deluded as it gets.
I only moved out around a month and a bit ago, since early March. I suffered with her again for over two years until just now. All the nonsense she sputtered at me. I'm old enough to know better now and all she did was lie to me about everything and anything if it meant I stayed loyal to her, and she even once said during a conversation, ''they're trying to turn you against me'', 'they' being my dad and his partner.
Not only is all of the above child neglect and child abuse, but she was massively verbally abusive to me and to my dad, and everyone else. Here's how it goes: I had no job, nothing else going on when I was living with her, and I was ill enough both physically and mentally that I'd sleep very late in bed, even sleeping all day at times. I sleep with my phone by my pillow and it's never on silent mode. My grandma would call me from downstairs when I'm trying to sleep and she would not stop if I never answered. She'd literally call me five or six times in a row, leaving voicemails after each time. When I'd (reluctantly) listen, there was always the words ''fuck/fucker'', ''cunt'', ''twat'', whatever. She even called me a twat in a mean text over something that had nothing to do with me.
I remember one time she called me and I didn't pick up but I made the choice to listen to the voicemail and regretted it straight after, she said, ''Answer your fucking phone! I don't know why you have a bastard!'' and then it ended abruptly. In another voicemail my dad told me about - I can't recall if I actually heard it myself or not - my grandma said something along the lines of ''you're just an arrogant cunt like that fucking bitch you're with''. I mean...what the hell do you even say to that? Grandma would even shout me awake from downstairs to wake me up for no apparent reason. Either that or grandad would yell none-stop at me, or even come to my door and never stop knocking until i answered.
Then there is this one time I got a call from my dad late at night while I was in bed trying to sleep. When I answered, he asked if I wanted to go to work with him and I said yes. Given the time, I never told my grandma because it was late and I was tired so I fell asleep. Hours later when morning came, I left a note on her table telling her I had gone to work with him. When I came back, oh dear god, she had 'a face like her ass', as we say in England. On this day, my auntie was there because she comes every fortnight to clean the house, and she hates grandma for a lot of reasons. When I came in, I was exhausted to the point of collapsing to sleep. Grandma didn't even look at me and just gave me a dirty look. I said hi to my auntie and went upstairs. I took off all my clothes and tried to go to sleep but my grandmother called and I for some reason answered only for her to say, ''are you making your grandfather's tea or what?'' in a really snotty voice and cut the call off before I could respond. Needless to say, I was pissed off by that and redressed myself, came down and made my grandad a bacon sandwich...then got bitched at by him.
I got so fed up with the way she spoke to me and the interruptions to my sleep that I ended up putting my phone on silent and never taking it off that specific setting. Even if I still saw the caller ID say it was her calling me, I still wouldn't answer. After a lot of these encounters, I had no reason nor any feeling of obligation to subdue myself to such a selfish person. That might have ironically made me the selfish one, but I can't expect anybody to understand that if you've never been in my shoes.
Yes, my grandmother is verbally abusive, but my grandad...holy fuck, you have no idea. I can think of three times he's been a horrible person to me: 1) I had gotten a shower in the wet room upstairs really early in the morning: grandad having no concept of what a wet room is and that it is supposed to get wet. He went in and I overheard him (he woke me up) yelling at my grandmother, ''Has that cunt had a shower?!'' in the most nastiest, spitting tones ever. 2) I was coming down the stairs while my cousin was staying around like he did every weekend, only to stop at the bottom as my cousin was leaving the living room, but I heard the last part of an argument my grandad was having with him, which said, ''You're like *insert my name here*, fucking retarded!'' You should have seen the look on my cousins face... 3) also early in the morning, my grandad was again bitching about the wet room floor being wet despite me having dried it and I heard him say this about me: ''Big fat fuck''.
Bear in mind, I had to deal with both of these asswipes for pretty much my entire life. I clean, I cook, I try and be nice, I go shopping for them, I do absolutely everything I'm asked even though it's plain I clearly don't want to because I shouldn't be doing it when I have other things I should be doing, like finding work and planning ahead for my life which the two of them combined did nothing but help tear down every opportunity for me, and what do I get in return? Nothing but neglect and ungratefulness. I usually get verbally abused at every turn. 'No matter what you do, it's never right', is what we say in my family. The irony there is that even when you do what is asked of you, as if you're a bloody waiter, it's STILL wrong.
I don't want to speak about this particular subject amongst all others in this blog due to the sexual nature of it, so I'll cover it with a spoiler in case you're not comfortable with readings this one: I was never raped or anything in my life - as far as I'm aware, but if so, I'd rather not know - but I have had a lot of very suggestive and lewd moments. My grandmother was lewd towards me more than once, and my cousin. During New Year's Eve, it'd usually be the three of us, and when the bells went off and we were celebrating, my grandmother was very inappropriate while I was dancing with my cousin and she lifted up her shirt and began waving her granny boobs at us, and this was more than once. It was funny for a bit, but it's not a normal thing for a grandparent to do.
Then there was this one time I came downstairs wearing my dressing gown. You know, the thing a lot of people do when it's the night time and having a fluffy, warm garment over you is the most blissful feeling you'll have. Well, I used to wear mine with nothing on underneath. I am the type of person that is never willing or comfortable with being naked around others, or simply being very undressed, but the gown is thick and long enough you wouldn't notice. As I was walking by my grandma to go to the kitchen, I have no idea why, but she quickly stuck her hand out and tried to throw up the side of my gown, brushing my ass in the process. I instantly stopped and glared at her, saying, ''What the hell'd you do that for?", very unamused and not comfortable with it. She just said, ''I wanted to see what you were wearing underneath.'' 
Another time, my dad was over and I was talking to him by the stairs while grandma was upstairs getting changed in her room. Mid-conversation, grandma was upstairs and joined the conversation, but she was still holding her trousers in her hand and...yeah...I don't know if she was wearing pants or if she doesn't... - nope, you know what? No, I'm not going to give myself OR you that mental image... 🤢 My dad said the most appropriate thing: ''Put some clothes on! You should be locked up!''
Yes, there are a few more 'events' like that, but I would frankly rather not think of said events right this minute. I'm already very uncomfortable with sharing that information, let alone reliving it in my mind. I don't like being touched in the slightest, so for that to happen to me...fists might fly one day. 
She is just an absolutely vile, disgusting human being. Coming from somebody as scruffy as me, that speaks volumes.
The pair of them are just ungrateful, miserable bastards who made my life a misery, and I was too innocent to even notice until recently. By the way, although my dad has done some things that have upset me massively, you better know that he tried to get me away from them. Do you have any idea how hard he worked every day, even during the height of the pandemic, to build the extension at home where I'm now staying and writing this? Of course you don't. I've got a fucking fantastic father and I don't know what I'd do without him around, but because of my selfish and arrogant grandparents shagging my mind up with their lies and bigotry, I wasn't very nice to either my dad or his partner. And I'm trying to fix that.
My grandparents are just awful people. Life when you get older is obviously not fun and it sucks when you have health issues. Yes, family will help when you need them, that's what they are there for, but the difference with my grandparents is that it's my dad they usually rely on for help. My dad who can't because he's got his hands full daily all week. My dad who does nothing but stress and worry about paying bills. My dad who has to deal with their constant bullshit day in, day out. My dad who despite getting up before the sun in the morning has to do everything from getting ready for work and walking the dog to getting my grandparent's savings and pension from the bank for them and then having to do things he shouldn't have to do. At his age, it's not making it any easier on him. And I have to watch it all happen. Why? Because they're both a selfish pair of bastards who won't have carers nor accept the proper form of care my dad and the rest of us can't give.
And you know what else? They both give my dad and my uncles and aunties verbal abuse in return instead of thanks and gratefulness. Nobody goes around to visit either of them because of it. If it sounds bad in the blog how the pair of them are, it's a very different story in person.
Even I won't talk to her anymore. I won't give her my phone number, I won't go around to her house, I won't let her see me with my car because I don't want her in it, nor do I want to become a personal chauffeur. I want to get the hell on with my life and be treated like a human. If that's too much to ask, then here's a very popular response: ''Fuck ya!''. 
In relevance to the blog title, because the two of them won't accept any help when they should, it's a wonder none of them haven't kicked the bucket yet. When that happens...I don't know if I want to be a part of that. I know I probably should be there for it, but with how they've treated me, with how horrible they've both been to my dad, especially my grandma, I don't think I should be there. Moreover, I don't particularly want to. I won't cry for somebody who never cried for me. Moreover, I won't cry for anybody who won't cry for anybody else. You haven't earned that luxury of life, nor have you earned that courtesy of sympathy from me.
Take time out of my day for somebody who never returned that courtesy to me? Um...no. No, thank you. Only thing is, I'm trying to debate if I would beat myself up over it later on down the road of my life if I didn't attend the funeral proceedings. Like, I don't even want to step foot in their house during the wake, should one happen. Maybe for one last look at my bedroom, where years of simultaneous happiness, loss of innocence and abuse took place. Even my grandad once said to me, ''I don't care what you do with the house, you could burn it down for all I care'', like I was meant to get the house, but we don't own it. The house is such a sorry wreck of black mould and poor hygiene that it would be better for it to burn down.
A lot more has happened that I won't get into here because it'll drag on forever, and I know this blog has technically already done that. Throughout the years during these blogs I publish, you've only seen snippets of what my life is and has been like, mostly through the upbringing I had at my grandma's house and under her 'care', if you can still call it that after now knowing what she was actually like towards me. She didn't care about my dad or any of her children like a mother should.
Dad told me himself only days ago while we were talking on the way to work, ''she never made us tea, never fed us, never took us out anywhere, never did anything for us'' and that's why my dad has done fucking everything to give us the childhood and life he never got because his mother didn't care. Yet I was still an ungrateful brat of a child, an error I still try and make up for and still feel guilty and terrible about to this day. It's not fair and none of it is right in the slightest, but that's how it was and how it still is.
This...wasn't easy to talk about. I don't expect any of you to have read the whole thing. I don't blame you, honestly. It's a lot to take in and even more to just dump on you out of nowhere. No, she has been very mean and unfair to me. Very unfair. It's a very personal thing I don't know if I'll regret opening up about and posting on the internet. I suppose worse things have been shared online, so this would look like a diet meal in comparison to that.
So, yeah...that's that. I've had nothing but an abusive life. If you didn't know that, you now do. I'm not sure if any of you suspected anything of the sort or if you had the slightest idea what kind of life I may have had or still push through from merely skimming through my blogs over the years, but this is by far the biggest insight into the life I've been forced into and what I have to deal with. Yes, there are worse things to endure, much more brutal than the latter, but this is a heavy weight to carry around my neck, regardless.
I don't know if you agree or disagree with me, whether or not you sympathise, empathise, or if this blog for some reason made you lose respect for me or made you hate my guts for whatever reason, but this is all still factual. At least, this is how I remember it to the best of my knowledge. Unfollow me if you want if that's the case, that's totally fine. I don't expect anybody to stick around me if they don't like what they see/hear after this blog, but I won't hold a grudge nor harbour my own resentment to those who do, regardless of if you support or despise me and the decision I made. That choice is yours to make.
What you do next is up to you. All I ask is you please understand that after all I went through, it's done more than leave a mark on me. I am not that dumb to it; those experiences have caused irreparable damage to me as a person and a lot of the people I care about and the relationships I have with each of them. And I have and still do continue to try and be better for it all, try and make myself better as a person and push through that hardship. ''Playing the hand I've been dealt'', if you want a New Vegas quote to refer to.
Anyway, judge how you want and I shall not judge you in return for your choices. In fact, I'd respect you more for it.
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Peace, love, empathy,
- FireRain 💛
There’s a lot to unpack here, and I’m glad you’re trying to take the time to be a better person then those you’ve grown up with.
RireRain whatever happened, l still with you cus you are friend what l care.
Damn.
My maternal grandmother beat both my older brother & I when we'd go to stay with my maternal grandparents. She was the same way to my mother & her five siblings & went after them & my brother & I with a horse whip. Evil people like that are not worth wasting time talking about, or even thinking about. When the time comes for them to face final judgment for all the things that they've done, they will be made to answer for their crimes & punished severely.
5499051
Not the easiest topic for me to talk about and I was very reluctant in making it public, and I still don't know if I should have done that or not. I hate thinking about it and I hate even more that I'll have to live with all of that for the rest of my life when I don't want to. I'm the only one in my family to have endured the worst of it by staying with her for too long. I would frankly choose a bullet to the brain if I had to do it all again.
5499453
😡 Just... 😡
A fucking horse whip?! Old-fashioned people are known to use belts to hit their kids with, but a horse whip? Jesus Christ! That's barbaric! My grandad once hit me with his belt when I was leaving the kitchen for something I didn't even do once. I think I told him to fuck off afterwards. I used to tell both my grandparents to fuck off when they were seriously nasty with me over nothing.
Ever had to deal with a grandparent bashing against the ceiling with a walking stick when you were 'being too loud' despite not even doing anything? I did and it never stopped, so before I could think straight, I got so pissed off I threw my bedroom door open, stormed down the stairs and the first thing I said when I came into the living room was, ''If you bash that against the ceiling one more time, I'll ram that thing up your arse!'' and I don't know what was said afterwards. I just know my cousin wouldn't stop laughing.
Still, man, that's beyond messed up. A horse whip can kill you if you're hit hard enough! That's sick! 😡
Eh, don't worry about that; I doubt either of them will last very long without me over there. She's losing her marbles as it is.
5499063
Peace and love, Dia.
I don't want to deal with any of that hardship anymore. I'd rather it all stay gone and over with so I can get on with my life. How dare either of them treat me and the rest of my family that way?
I don't think I will go to either of their funerals. I'm not sure any of us will, not even my dad. As I said before, the casual saying in England for people like that is, ''Fuck ya!''
5499776 On top of all that, she claimed to be Christian. She was one of those pseudo Christians who puts on a public face and is nice to everyone when they're around, but then talks trash about them behind their back & tries to screw them over. Upon meeting my youngest niece (Who ended up being diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia at age 2 1/2), my maternal grandmother said that mu niece was of the devil, because she had six letters in her first name. She donated money to scams like 700 Club & "Praise The Lord" which were run by con artist televangelists. I know it's wrong to speak ill of the dead, but my maternal grandmother was the one who was of the devil, not my youngest niece.
By the way, My youngest niece is 15 now, cancer free for almost 11 years, has a learner's permit for driving, does babysitting, plays fast-pitch softball, teaches & takes Karate (4th Degree Blackbelt!!) & is also in her high school's orchestral group. So in spite of the beat down that life gave her, she powered through it like a female Chuck Norris, which she pretty much is. LITERALLY!