Ramblings of Someone Who is Very Tired

Well . . . hey there, guys. I hope everyone has been doing well and that the first two weeks of 2021 haven't been too awful. Of course, with the amount of stuff already hitting the fan, I doubt a majority of you all have peaceful minds and hearts. I, for one, have been oddly troubled with things that are happening in the U.S.

Now, I am not one for politically-charged arguments or "discussions" that are really disguised arguments, but recent events have really been hitting me hard. I am not right or left or conservative or . . . well, anything really. I don't really have a side to fight for in all this, which is honestly a good thing I think. I tend to try to empathize with everyone as much as I can, and that often leads to poor results for myself. Oftentimes, I am attacked by all sides and that is understandable and expected. No one likes a devil's advocate, especially on topics where all sides feel action must be taken immediately.

But . . . lately, I just find myself exhausted, mentally and physically, about everything. Everything. All the fighting and hate and anger and frustration that constantly surrounds us is absolutely tiring. It feels like no matter what happens innocent people are going to be hurt or accosted in some way, and it just makes my heart hurt.

Radical left and right, alt-left and alt-right. Both sides have done some very questionable things, and both sides should not be role models for the average American. Hell, they shouldn't be role models for anyone. Period. That is putting it lightly probably.

Seeing everyone just go at each other's throats constantly is so damn sad to me. It breaks my heart to see such destructive division among friends, family, and even strangers.

This site was my solace from everything. If I was sad, I went here. If I was hurt, I went here. If I was angry, depressed, lost, lonely, helpless, contemplating things I shouldn't, or even just wanting to take a small break from school . . . I came here. I came to revel in a little fantasy world filled with amazing, colorful ponies that only knew friendship and love, not hate and anger. I came to see so many talented people work together to make amazing works of music, art, fiction, and just whatever the hell people felt like making.

I guess it would be inaccurate to say this site was my solace. This entire fandom has saved me in so many ways, so many times. Maybe that was my mistake.

Either way, I don't mean to say these spaces shouldn't be used to discuss important topics. I understand that this is often the only space for people to comfortably do so, and I would never want to take that from someone. I encourage it, I just . . . It has become, at times, a living war inside my head.

Lately, I have been so lost and so far gone from everything that I just don't know what to feel or think or do anymore.

I go to bed not wanting to wake up, not because I am suicidal or intend on doing anything rash, but rather I feel so tired of waking in the first place. I feel so disconnected from life itself. The acts of violence and stupidity and hatred and anger don't even make me upset anymore.

They just make me sad now. And it seems to be getting worse before getting better.

The whole COVID thing is probably the source of this messy state I'm in, but things haven't really improved, even with me getting back to school and work. My usual strategies and routines haven't help, so I have been trying to change them, hoping some change that I have a say in will help. But so far, it hasn't. Nothing I seem to think of really helps me or others, and I just feel so useless sometimes . . .

But look at me: complaining without proposing any solutions. Wasted breath, honestly.

Truth is, I have no answers. I don't know what to do or what to say. I don't have a clue as to how to fix things, for myself or others, and I so desperately want to do both. Perhaps it is my wine-drenched mind right now, but I can't help but feel like a husk that shambles around pretending to be alive.

I'm . . . I'm sorry, friends. I know I said this was a ramble, but this really got out of hand (hoof?).

I truly, sincerely, love all you guys, even the ones who never read this. I hope that all of you have the opportunity or capacity to love those around you as well. Even your enemies that may fire upon you.

Please, stay safe.

With Love,

Aether