My Review of Star Wars: Episode 9–The Rise of Skywalker · 12:51am Nov 23rd, 2020
Rating Scale:
12/10—a complete masterpiece; flawless and outstanding
11/10—Excellent, near-perfect film
10/10—the standard rating; awesome film with a couple of flaws
9/10—a wonderful film with several flaws
8/10–a great film with numerous flaws but not enough to ruin it
7/10—a fun and entertaining movie; not great but still enjoyable
6/10—a slightly above average film; it is something I might watch again
5/10—mediocre movie; not awful but not great either
4/10—a below average film; it could have been much better
3/10—a bad film; poorly written and poorly executed
2/10—a very bad movie; the few good things in the movie overshadowed by the bad things
1/10—a terrible movie; a total waste of time
0/10—a worthless piece of abomination; should have never been made
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(Sigh) Hey... here is my review of Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. What a fucking ridiculous and pretentious title. Yep, they were creatively bankrupt enough to make this dogshit movie and title. It is definitely the worst Star Wars movie I have ever watched in my entire life. By the Allspark, what was J.J. Abrams even thinking? I commend him for at least trying to correct the atrocious flaws of The Last Jedi, but he only ended up making it much worse! This is where Star Wars is finally dead and gets shot in the head from the absolute horrible shitfest of a script and story. This film did a magnificent job in insulting my intelligence, raping my brain cells, shoving its dick in my face, and punching me in the balls. Again, if you love this movie... I respect your opinion. People have different tastes and opinions as long as they don’t bash other people for hating and criticizing what they love or even worship.
(Groans) So here are my thoughts on The Rise of Skywalker:
1). THE DEAD SPEAK! SIDEOUS IS BACK! I’m sorry, what? Did he not die at the end of Return of the Jedi? He’s been alive this whole time, and we have gotten no foreshadow, no hint, no clue, and no sign at all that he was alive during all these years. Now he’s suddenly back... with life support? You know, they could have easily set this up all the way back to The Force Awakens. They could have created a scene where we see Palpatine sitting on his throne during the end credits and watch the victories that Rey accomplished. We could have also had that same scene at the end of The Last Jedi... replacing that scene of a random boy grabbing that broom with the force and looking up at the night sky. That should have taken that scene out and replace it with Palpatine and actually have him explain how he came back or show him how he survived in a flashback. In this way, the writers would properly tell the audience of where he has been hiding and what he was doing the whole time during the last two films. People would not be caught off guard. But nope! We suddenly have him coming back with barely any explanation and at the very last minute. How did he survive again?
But you wanna know the worse part of that revelation? That means that Anakin’s sacrifice in killing the Emperor and saving Luke’s life is completely meaningless. He was to bring balance to the Force and destroy the Sith. But naaahh, he just died like a bitch for nothing. Nice job, writers... you degenerate cornflakes. You flawlessly made Anakin Skywalker’s sacrifice of none effect.
We see Kylo Ren meet him in his secret hideout and reveal his plan to him. He also reveals his... WHAT?? There are multiple clones of “Snoke” everywhere! He says that he created “Snoke” as his instrument in carrying out his plans?? So that guy we saw from the last movie who was stupidly killed by Kylo Ren was actually just a clone? This whole time?? That has to be one of the most unnecessary and nonsensical retcons I’ve ever seen. So how exactly did that work? Does Palpatine grant each clone a unique dose of the Dark Side of the Force so that they are equally as powerful as he is? Like how is that even possible? I WANT TO KNOW!
2). Rey is still no better as a protagonist. Remember when Luke Skywalker had plenty of training with Yoda and learned many lessons from Obi-Wan and went through tremendous trials that tested his character? The flaws he had, the mistakes he made, the development he went through, and how he struggled against Darth Vader especially in The Empire Strikes Back? People even have the audacity to call Anakin a Mary Sue (or in his case Gary Stu) to justify their love of Rey. Yeah sure... Anakin is totally a “Gary Stu” by losing his fucking hand, having personality flaws, getting fucked by the Jedi Council, losing his mother, ACTUALLY turning into the Dark Side, and so much shit he went through... and losing his wife too. Yep, he definitely fits in that category of Mary Sue. Even though Rey never lost a hand, doesn’t turn to the Dark Side, having parents who were nobodies, never believing that the Force was real or even Luke Skywalker was real until later on in The Force Awakens, and being so perfect in every way, she is better than Anakin... right? Seriously, people need to get their facts straight. 
Anakin is better than Rey by a mile, no... by two trilogies! Anyway, Rey is overpowered as usual, and Disney is so determined to not let her be evil. Of course they would do that. The characters are all idiots and poorly written; the humor is still not funny and badly paced.
3). Once again, the special effects is terrific, the soundtrack is awesome, the visuals are eye-catching, the animation and CGI are top-notch, and the editing thereof is fantastic. But that’s just it... that’s all the positives. The script is atrocious, and the plot holes and retcons are abysmal. Dear Optimus, this was painful to watch.
4). Another thing, remember when the enemy captured Chewbacca and took him bound in one of their ships? Yeah, Rey and company tried to rescue him until Ms. Mary Sue tried to grab that exact same ship with the Force and it eventually led up to a tug of war. Then that ship where Chewbacca was... exploded. This led us to believe that he just died in there. But later in the film, it is shown that he... survived... in another ship? HOW?! How exactly did they transfer him to another ship offscreen, and we didn’t even see that happen?! Logic? What’s that?!
Ughhh... and what was Finn even trying to say to Rey anyway? They were all in that quicksand when he mentioned about meaning to tell her something. After they were saved, he dropped the subject and never mentioned it again. Huh? What was even the point of that? I know Disney didn’t want them both to be romantically involved but still... what was he going to say to her? But here is another thing! Rey has the ability to heal someone or any creature with the Force! I mean, that’s something we’ve never seen before in the previous old Star Wars films. The Force can heal people? So... is Rey Jesus or something?
I don’t even know how the Force works anymore. It’s like they can do anything with it! It may be cool, but it’s just so stupid in my opinion. And Finn still goes on with his “REEEEEEYYYYY!!!” gimmick. The more I watch him scream like that, the more hilarious it gets. Speaking of humor, look at Rose in this film. She is barely in it, and not once do we see them together as a couple. Great job trying to clean that mess up, Abrams, but then you just create some continuity issue. That in itself is hilarious! After the cruel backlash she got, they minimized her role in this movie. If only she was better written as a character, I would really like her.
5). Kylo Ren finally takes the reformation route at the end of his journey. And during his death scene, he and Rey... kissed. (Facepalm) YOU ARE JUST NOW DOING THIS?!? One of the evil Siths of the galaxy being in love with the Jedi here... how did this get into the script?! Where the hell was the development that led up to their kiss?! Not only is this a slight rehash from Return of the Jedi but it is also reminiscent of how Luke and Leia kissed on the lips before it was revealed that they are brother and sister. Why am I mentioning this? I will explain in a moment.
6). When Rey and Ben were battling against Palpatine and his goons, observe the tone and atmosphere of that final fight. “I am all the Sith!” Rey then says, “And I... am all the Jedi.” I was like... WOW! WOOOW!! We are copying Endgame, are we?! I can imagine Iron Man and Thanos observing that scene and saying this:
Tony: Did... she just copy our moves?
Thanos: It would appear so.
Tony: It’s almost like they want to copy our homework. They’re just that desperate, huh?
Thanos: Indeed. My motivation in wiping half the universe from existence becomes more justified day after day. Disney needs to be cleansed.
Bayverse Optimus: You have no clue what it’s like being in a garbage film, Thanos. Trust me, I’ve been there.
Then Rey literally DEFLECTED his lightning powers right BACK at him with her lightsabers! And then he FUCKING DIES FROM THAT! Holy motherfucking, cock-sucking shit! If those lighting powers can be deflected like that, STOP USING THEM!! How exactly is that even possible?? Deflecting lightning powers with a lightsaber? Has that EVER been useful like that before?! Since when was that a thing?! But here comes the BIGGEST MINDFUCK of the entire trilogy. 1... 2... 3....
Rey is asked “Who are you?”
“Rey,”
“Rey who?” Umm... why is the last name so important? Just accept that her name is Rey. Okay? Now, Rey just... oh no... don’t you dare... don’t you DARE say it!
I instantly knew what she was going to say next. The moment she looked toward Luke’s and Leia’s ghosts, that’s when I was horrified in knowing what she was going to say. I was literally shouting at the screen on my phone through which I watched this film, “Don’t say it! Don’t say it! DO NOT DARE SAY IT!”
“Rey Skywalker.”
(Slams table) That was the last straw. I seethed in anger and cursed at the screen for what they did. This whole film is garbage, and I am not looking forward to any new trilogy Disney may be planning to make next. 1/10! So she is now making herself related to the Skywalkers... so her kiss with Ben is... incest?? Sweet Home Alabama!! This is just straight up identity theft. Right, Wheeljack?
(Breathes in, breathes out) Okay, I really don’t want another breakdown like I had with my MLP reviews. However, I am SO thankful to get my reviews of this disasterpiece trilogy out of the way. Hopefully, it will be a long time before I make another negative review of a film. What happened to Disney? Disney used to be so full of fun and made a few great films that brought forth good morals and barely had any political agendas that would ultimately tarnish their own reputation. What happened to that Disney? We need to look back at the classic Disney films that filled our childhoods with great joy and great memories; we need to look back at the classics that still bring a smile on our faces even to this day. The classic Disney films with charming stories, great villains, brave heroes, interesting character development, and memorable songs. Those films will be reviewed by yours truly starting this week. Now, I’m gonna have a delicious dinner and a great evening.
See ya!
Well... there are some “at least” moments. Not too much, in the eyes of some. They did a good job at incorporating Carrie Fisher even after her passing. Plus, some would say Luke was a bit better. And the novel to this movie actually holds some answers to the movie apparently.
There is an alternate episode IX script (called ‘Duel of the Fates’) that goes in a very different direction. It does a lot of things that would definitely fare better with the critics of the movie. This is the link for major details on what would have been done:
https://www.google.com/amp/s/screenrant.com/star-wars-9-colin-trevorrow-script-full-story/amp/
To be honest, I loved the movie, and I was fine with Palpatine, but some of the stuff in this unused script would have been pretty cool.
From what a friend and I were talking about; Rey taking the name 'Skywalker' is kind about being accepted by society as the moment she says 'Palpatine'; most people would think back to the tyrannical rule of grandpa and condemn her for it. Unfortunately; it's a case of the 'sins of the past reflect in the present' with judgment for what was out of one's control.
WARNING! ANGER INHIBITOR HAS REACHED CRITICAL LEVELS! ANGER INDUCED MELT DOWN IMMINENT! ACTIVATING ANGER THERMAL RUNAWAY PROTOCOLS!
*Disclaimer! Gamerdroid Enterprises is not responsible for any offensive statements made, blame the shitty movie that got us to this point.*
This movie is a gigantic clusterfuck of garbage. Before I go completely insane, let's talk about why this movie is god awful. Let's start with the obvious here shall we? Emperor Palpatine survived. Disney, I got a few things to say to you. First of all, fuck you. Secondly, I call bullshit. Third, FUCK YOU!!! Palpatine shouldn't have lived through all the shit that happened to him in VI. In fact, me and a couple of my friends actually discussed why this makes no fucking sense. 1. Darth Vader threw his ass down that pit. If he hit anything on the way down, he would have died. 2. If he somehow managed to survive the fall and impact, he would shortly lose consciousness due to the impact and died shortly afterwards due his spine and internal organs being fucked up to hell and back. 3. THE FUCKING DEATH STAR EXPLODED! 4. If he miraculously survived all the shit I just previously mentioned, the vacuum of space should have killed him. But no, he walks away missing a few fingers. Also while I'm here, Anakin Skywalker died for nothing. There, I said it. Next we move on to Omega Mary Sue, I mean Rey. Rey is officially the STAR WARS equivalent of Jesus now,(once again with no prior training), and after watching this shitfest of a movie... I'm kinda surprised that she WASN'T put on a cross. Disney, I want to like this character, but there's a few problems. Firstly, Rey is a Mary Sue. When you have a character with no flaws what so ever, the audience can't get attached to them, no matter what feats they pull. Secondly, Rey has no personality. Third, Any attempt to give her any personality is thrown out the window in favor of ATTEMPTING to appeal to the Feminst movement, but you fucked it up because you don't seem to understand what it means to be a strong woman anymore. This is coming from a guy who is largely indifferent to feminism, by the way. Kylo Ren is still the same boring-ass uninspired villian, now with new heel face turn technology, plus incest. Also, I've noticed a bit of a pattern with this movie and The Last Jedi. Whenever a character that isn't a villian supposedly dies or tries to sacrifice themself for the greater good, they come out unscathed. Why? Because the writers of these fucking movies don't seem to know what stakes are. This movie has no stakes in it. When Chewbacca supposedly dies, he's revealed to be on a different ship. When C3-PO loses his memory, he regains it in the next scene. When Kylo Ren dies, Rey revives him. See what I mean? I could keep going on and on, but there's only two more things I want to say. Firstly, the plot is a gigantic fetch quest, where everything goes perfectly. It's completely boring. Finally, Palpatine's plan is borderline retarded. It's so retarded, that the only good thing to come out of this movie to my knowledge,(aside from it ending), is this animation by Youtuber JonnyEthCo, the guy who is Appsro on NeebsGaming.
5403489
Good... strong with the dark side.
Time to execute order 66 on Disney and their shitty-ass Star Wars films.
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Thank you, Darth Joker. I still love JonnyEthco's response. "Adults wrote this fucking movie." Seriously, that animation had better humor in it than the entire damn movie.
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Well said.
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Tbh, the alternate script would've been better.
Personally I wasnt surprised at all by Sidious returning as it happen in Legends. True it wasnt really hinted but whatever, and I liked how Rey took the Skywalker name, abandoning her heritage as a Palpatine. I'd say Luke and Leia were pretty much telling her it's okay to use their birth surname when their spirits appeared.