Don't read this.

really, don't read this. I'm venting after having a bad day and removing a friend from my life.

this is not good for me. and will tank people's views of me.

don't read further.

Nobody had a good childhood, everyone has issues. Some people were beaten, abused.

I was not.

I was abandoned.

I think my mom was a crackhead, and it's entirely likely I was born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, or even a crack baby. I don't actually know.

At the age of 4 I was removed from my moms home by the state, and I went into adoption.

for three years I was in the system, and in those three years, I was in no less than 50 different homes.

all of them gave up on me. Until I met my current dad.

I ran that adoption home, nobody fucked with me. after being restrained by the staff so many times, I learned how to restrain the other kids in those holds they put you in, sat on their lap and with your arms pulled to each side, just like a straight jacket, but without the actual jacket.

During this adoption time, I didn't really have a stable home to be in, and I was an odd kid.

It was common practice for me to approach kids my age, hope to play with them, and gues what! instant game of tag! and DemonBaker is it!

They knew I wasn't athletic, and that I couldn't catch any of them. and that's why they did it, they would scatter, tire me out, and then go back to whatever it was they were doing.

this behaviour extended all they way to middle school. I still have memories of the various things people would do just to avoid me.

but mostly, I was just ignored.

written off. my thoughts? didn't matter. my feelings? even less.

sometime around the age of 10 I didn't like how I felt so much, that I thought ALL emotion was bad.

have you ever felt, TRULY that the world was out to get you? that every single person in it not only despised you, but was actively trying to make your life worse? to feel worse?

I still have my image of the world from that time.

I was curled up on the ground, crying alone. and the world was above me, in the form of a bunch of shadowy figures, and they were all kicking me.

That was what the world was, that was how I viewed it.

being constantly kicked and ignored.

If I had a hope? it was squashed. if I wanted something, it was taken from me.

I learned to not expect anything good to happen, because hoping and being disappointed was worse.

So, I started ignoring my feelings. if i was happy, I'd force the smile away. if I was sad, I'd stop frowning.

If I felt weird I'd simply ignore it till it went away.

Around the age of 13-14 I would get random pains in my chest, like a spear going through me. I felt hollow, and it was so bad I had to lay down on a bed and take deep breaths till it went away.

but it was just a feeling, so it wasn't important. I wasn't important, nothing was important.

I only learned that was loneliness so strong and powerful that it physically hurt. took me till 25 to figure that one out.

so no, i wasn't beaten, I wasn't abused. I was simply ignored, and that was worse.

if you were hit, at least someone noticed you were there enough to get angry. I simply didn't matter.

This is the deepest root of all the parts of my personality that I hate.

Why do I not drop an argument? because it feels unfinished, I didn't win yet. you are wrong, and I can prove it.

Why do I jump on a chance to correct someone? because it proves I'm not stupid, and that I actually know things.

Why did I beat people over the head with useless knowledge? because they ignored me, and if I didn't do that, they wouldn't know I was there.(I've since stopped this one. I only reveal my nerdy self to close friends now.)

This feels like whining. I know the world doesn't actually care about how I feel. I just learned this a little too early in life, and it crushed me and my self-esteem.

I became lower than anything, barely noticeable.

so, in return, I became LOUD so that I couldn't be ignored.

I don't want people to read and respond to this, because it feels like this is just..whining.

That I'm just flailing about asking for attention. I recently got into an argument with a friend, he would constantly ignore me.

I wanted to spend time with him, but instead he does other things.

don't get me wrong, people are allowed to not simply play a game with me, but this was diffferent.

ya see, he'd say things like 'sure, I'll do it after this'

Or 'I'll be there when I'm done eating'

in the first instance, he was doing something else on a game, and I waited 4 1/2 hours for him to finish something he lead to believe wasn't going to take this long In the second one, he failed to mention that he was far away, and after he was done eating it would take 3 hours of waiting.

When I called him out on this, he said 'well, just add 2 hours to whatever time I give'

More: he would often hint that he would play something. like saying 'maybe after this' but when he said that, he already made his mind up to do other things. and instead of saying 'I've decided not to do something' he'll just not say anything.

for a full week.

I can understand that you didn't say yes, but also, you didn't say no, so I'm left in limbo, not knowing what to expect.

and the fact that they never EVER actually said yes or no, or that something came up is the worst. a simple 'someone needs something' isn't hard to send.

but it was too much for them. the only times I ever got a 'something came up' was after waiting 3 hours for an answer, and the thing happened ten MINUTES after I messaged me.

all that waiting and expectation, for something that was already decided.

ugh, I'm just imagining how people feel reading this.

and it's not good. that I'm a whiny bitch who's so self-important they matter more than anyone else.

I don't, but people are different. I like a firm yes or no on stuff.

wanna play D&D? sure, I'll be ready at 8;00 on Saturday. can't make it? well, say something before the game.

I didn't want to edit this one, I wanted my thoughts to flow from one source, so it's kinda meandering.

I still think I sound like a whiny bitch, that I have no right to complain about things.

hurt feelings shouldn't matter, but I wanted to vent. I'm not ok right now, and I needed to post something to the world.

I thought about reddit but...I think that place is a cesspool. I'd just get torn to shreds.

none of my friends are online to talk about this, so that's out.

That leaves here. which is a good bet. I made the title 'don't read this' so that people won't read it. maybe they will, but my blogs get like 10 views at most, so I think this is safe.

I want to put my words out there, but I don't want a lot of people to see them.

again, because I'm just whining.

Is it normal to feel like you have no right to be upset about anything? I feel like it isn't, but I don't know anything to contradict it.

honestly, I have no idea if I'm ok or not. I feel like shit, but that's nothing new.

whatever, I'm sure whoever reads this also thinks I'm self-important bitch who just didn't get what they want so they threw a tantrum.

It happened over years. not just this one time. for years I was constantly relegated to the sidelines.

'hey, I wanna do something'

'can't, with other people'

"hey, I want to do something.'

'sure, after this' no message for a week

'uh, you said after this'

"I did, but I didn't say 'YES I will play'."

"wanna do something?"

"maybe, lemme do something real quick' one hour passes

"alright, I'm almost done" two hours pass

"Alright, I'm done, but I'm going to bed now."

"what? I didn't say yes, I said maybe." (this is after 4 hours of waiting for a simple yes or no)

"couldn't you have told me sooner?"

"You didn't have to wait all that time. do other things instead."

for years. that's how it's been. I feel like I was the only one who actually cared about the other person, and wanted to do things.

yes, I know I'm clingy. yes, I know I blow things out of proportion.

I'm working on it, but it's so hard, especially with someone who does everything to make me think they don't care.

That I'm being ignored.

That I don't matter.

They find that old wound, and stick a knife in it, opening up the scar.

Why am I like this, I'm just a self-important bitch.

I'm done. I think I got all of it out.

I really hope nobody reads this, I know it's a risk that someone will, but with my low follower count, and very few blog post views, I think I"m safe.

they don't have to know how terrible I am.