I'm Tired of This · 8:10am Jun 22nd, 2020
Let me tell you guys about myself.
I'm a 5"11 biracial teenage girl, my dad's side of the family is black and my mother's side is white. You'd never guess, as I look like I have two white parents.
My parents are divorced. They never should have been married in the first place, but that's what happens when you fuck outside of marriage enough times to get two kids and your mother finds out. I currently live with my dad.
I have an older sister. Same skin situation as me. Not entirely relevant, but relevant enough that it'll come back up later.
My sister is going to college next month, actually.
My Grandpa died in 2017, my Aunt died last year, and my Grandma is still kicking like the stubborn hothead she is. She's hooked up to an "Elvad" machine--basically a machine that beats her heart for her, I guess. Sorry, the medical stuff confuses me. If someone can explain it better, please do.
I lived with my mother until I was ten. She was verbally, emotionally, and (minorly) physically abusive (beatings that never had a real explanation when I was younger, and slaps and shit here and there as I got older). She's also a manipulative bitch, making you think it's your fault. You know what I mean?
Not to mention the fact that she married a pedophile. She covered up his shit for years--yeah, you heard me right. Love at its finest.
I'm still scarred for life. Thanks, pal.
And they fucked so much they had four screaming brats my sister and I had to take care of for years. I don't consider them my siblings and I never will. Sorry not sorry.
Then there's my dad: verbally and emotionally abusive. We were ever so happy when he got custody in 2015, but alas, I can't seem to catch a break. FML.
My Grandma has always been my favorite person in this family. She still sucks at times, but hey.
Sorry, back to my dad. He's a narcissistic bitch. And a control freak. If he isn't in control he throws a fit and screams at everyone for ten hours. No joke.
Don't believe me? I doubt anybody will, as it can always be worse and YOUR PROBLEMS DON'T MATTER COMPARED TO EVERYBODY ELSE'S--
sorry...I'm sorry. I had a really bad day, and I'm just typing as I go. I probably won't even edit this. Bad move, I know, but oh well. Hey over it. I have to.
I'm a mentally ill, aka mentally fucked person. I have anxiety, depression, and minor schizophrenia. Take a guess at where it all stems from.
But I'm not allowed to be like that, because ''I have nothing to be upset about."
I've nearly commited suicide twice.
Almost done the act, I mean. I can't even count how much I've thought about it.
Now, here's the part where everyone starts flaming me:
I'm a Christian. A devoted one, in my own right. My "family" claims to be so as well, but all that really happens is my "father" twisting the real word of God to fit his disgusting ideals. For those of you who understand, God doesn't exactly like that. Hopefully He'll fix it before I snap.
I had a thought today: What if I'm dead, and I'm in hell?
Would certainly explain why I can't catch a break.
Anyhoo, back to...whatever the fuck this is.
My sister. Bitch. Cool. I hate her. I love her. I can't wait for her to leave. She needs to stay because I need her.
What?
I don't know either.
In the past, she's treated me like crap, and still does at times. But I guess she's trying to make up for it? I dunno. She actually came crying to me today and apologizing for having to leave me behind.
However...
I'm not sure I believe her.
...Fine.
I don't believe her.
Not even after all that.
Fucked, right?
Welcome to TigerCat111's brain, we all wish we were dead here.
It feels like everything she tells me is a lie.
She acts like "dad" too much and doesn't realize or doesn't care.
Everyone gets on her for acting like my slutty "mother", but her behavior leans towards "dad" more as of late.
I hate them all.
I can't handle this.
Okay, there may be more of these coming, so more background may be revealed then.
Let's talk about today.
Today was terrible, like most days.
It didn't start out so bad, but I knew it would get worse because of the stress coming.
My Grandma had to go to the doctor's today because she needed something checked up on her driveline (where the IV's go in her neck. Weird without context, I know, but please deal with it). It was itching and hurting her really bad this week so they wanna make sure it isn't infected.
It's a two hour drive to the big Hospital in St Louis (I live in a dingy little town in Misery (Missouri) that isn't on most maps) that she has to go to for that. Of course, Control Freak puts us all in the car and makes us go up there.
Not that I don't want to support Gram, of course. There's just so many ways we could make it easier.
Mainly, IF HE DIDN'T GO.
Skipping the messy car ride, we get up there, and I get yelled at for not being fast enough in holding an elevator door open.
You know what?
I was literally thinking "I better hold that so the wheelchair can get through" but the second the door opens he yells at me!!
Then, some crap happened, and guess what?
Bitch goes off on me in the middle of the hospital!!
And has the GALL to wave and be nice to people when they pass by!!
Now, remember my fucked up mental state?
I have obscene murderous urges. There are times where it is very hard not to act upon them.
Between those, me being stressed and my anxiety acting up, him yelling at me, my head pounding, and the fact that I'm also on my period (yay), I'm having a very hard time not yelling some obscenity I may regret later or just pouncing on him and strangling him right then and there.
And then there's one more thing:
I miss Gram I miss Gram Gram's gone for days I want Gram I miss Gram Gram's not coming home I miss Gram I miss Gram I miss Gram I miss Gram--
And that is why I started crying a little.
I get yelled at all the time, so I do a decent job of being emotionless-faced during it, but for some reason I couldn't handle it today because he kept bringing up how we suck at helping her.
Of course he makes a snide comment about it later. Of course he did.
Oh, and he pushed me off of her when I was hugging her bye. He went first, then my sis, but when I barely had the first five seconds in he pushed me off.
Time skip to the car ride home, without Gram, which made me tear up a couple times again.
I usually do a lot better when she has to stay a couple days.
Oh well...
But, he bitches for a good while about how everybody is stupid and lazy now days thanks to devices and shit. Nobody likes using cursive anymore? Fuck you, nobody cares.
Let's loop around real quick: Black Lives Matter.
How do people not grasp this simple concept?
We are human beings.
GEORGE WAS A HUMAN BEING!!
AT LEAST ONE THAT DIDN'T DESERVE THAT!!
This idiot thinks it's all a joke.
I kid you not, he makes jokes about it.
Dare I remind him he's black?
Nah.
Let's let him be in George's place first.
Then sister rants about "dad" when he's gone, which is totally fine, I was just worn out today.
And the icing on the cake?
Practically the whole way back, I was thinking about talking to a friend of mine when I got back. I was all excited to talk to him and take my mind off things, and hopefully have a good time.
...We had an argument.
It was one of those things that slowly builds up over time until someone snaps; this time, it was him first.
Not about my situation, something irrelevant to this blog, but...
It was rough.
Now, my inner monologues; why am I still alive?
I don't know.
Nobody wants me, it seems; I have no place. I can't catch a break.
Nobody loves me, and it seems nobody ever really will.
I've prayed about my purpose in life before. I know it's there, but I have trouble deciphering what exactly it is.
If only cutie marks were real, huh?
I've thought: life is better in Heaven, assuming I get to go there. So why don't I head there a bit early?
I haven't yet.
But today reminded me that I might.
I know probably nobody will read this, or read it and view it as me wanting attention, but...it's not. I just wanted to get this off my chest. I just wanted someone to listen.
If you were that person, thank you.
You can speak to me.
Sounds like you're going through hell. I hope you can get out soon. Until then, bless. If you need to talk, feel free to find me on Discord. I'm often on the fimfiction server.
JHC kid this is the first time iI wished I read a blog years ago. I can only hope that you are still with us, that you could still think rationally is a testament to the strength that you have. God grant that you are still with us.
If you are than please accept a no strings hug from this old southern white boy. If not then I hope you have found the love and peace you were denied in this world. Don't give up kid.