In honor of Memorial Day, Snaproll's guide to common tools & why the ground near him is Angery · 4:31pm May 25th, 2020
As I've alluded to in a few recent blog posts, I've started working for a large hardware store chain, and as such lots of some a few maybe one of you has asked if I can have a recent rundown on how to use several common and useful tools.
Helpfully, I have compiled a list of the more common tools found around the shop and their uses. Inspired, mostly, by reading the works and antics of Admiral Biscuit
No need to thank me. I'm a giver. It's what I do.
A very useful guide to applications of common tools – you may want to review frequently:
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!'
DROP SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'SON OF A BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Speaking of the good Admiral, I'm including the following for your reading enjoyment. It was a minor rant...a rantling, if you will...regarding one of the common nuisances found where I live...The Goat Head
The Goat Head, or Tribulus Terrestris, for it's latin name, is a hateful, spiteful, bastard weed who's only method of propagation are the seeds you see above you. Or below, as this one's just started to germinate. You can also see where they get their common name, from the cross section of the spiky bastard plant.
Once germinated, they grow into a plant whose root can extend a foot below ground level, with vines that radiate outward from the original plant at ground level.
They do this because the only way that they can propagate their hateful, hellspawned offspring is by having something, generally some poor, unsuspecting fauna tread over them, and thus having their spiky seeds impaled upon the poor fauna (usually some version of canus domesticus, or in my case, our two canus domesticus imbecilicus) causing said fauna to limp briefly, shouting imprecations in their native tongue and cursing the little bastard plants and wondering why a just and loving God would allow the ground to be angry. Eventually, the goat head seed is disloged from the poor fauna's feet, either through gyrations of the fauna or by said fauna's owner getting the offending spiky bastard plant out from the fauna's paw, once said owner has disentangled himself from the leash. The spiky bastard seed, now having been moved inches, sometimes entire feet from the mother plant, and fortified now by the blood of the living, is free to germinate and thus the circle of spite and pain is continued once more.
Fortunately, as we live in the ages of miracles and wonder that we do, it is rare for one to venture out barefoot, but it is not uncommon to find scores of these little spiky bastards embedded in the soles of one's boots after a leisurely stroll through the high desert. However, with the advent of indoor carpeting, if one has, say, miniature versions of homo sapiens obnoxiousticus gingericus running around their house who aren't particular about which rooms they wear shoes into, the spiky bastard plants are commonly dislodged from the shoes of their unsuspecting carrier and are nestled into the carpet loops, where they can achieve their highest calling: to wit, impaling the foot of an adult homo sapiens paternalis grumpicus on his way to the bathroom in the morning.
No, I'm not taking this personally. Why would you suspect such a thing?
At any rate, Hopefully everyone's enjoying their Memorial Day weekend. Raise a glass and cook some burgers in memory of our fallen, and enjoy the semi-official beginning of Summer.
So... how much of this is based on personal experiences?
5337579
I refuse to answer on grounds of self incrimination.