Updates And a Story · 1:13am Oct 16th, 2019
First the obvious, across all my creative endeavors I am now Jaycren. The reason for this is that there are aparently more then one Minaren. Geuss the name wasn't as original as I thought. But as far as I am aware, I am the only one that uses the name Jaycren.
And now for the story.
I used to do commissions to make customized devices. Basically if you wanted to do something stupid but needed specific gear for said stupid endeavor, I was your guy.
On This particular Occasion I had been tasked with desgining a portable potato cannon. It was to run on camp stove tank and needed to be both powerful and portable. Also had to be fired multiple times with no priming and had to be safe. I spent nigh on several months designing it. Upon completion I handed my desgins and specifications over. The barrel was to be made of PVC with metal gaskets for reinforcement. There was a fan that could be switched on between firings to clear the mixing chamber and a particular valve/guage I had selected that could be adjusted to let the precise .01% propane into the chamber for the appropriate firing.
Part of the deal, besides the several hundred dollars given to me just for the design, I was to be allowed as an observer for the testing. Refreshments of Pizza and a Code Red Mt Dew were to be made available to me. I was guaranteed 1 meat pie and 1 2L of Code Red for myself.
I arrived at the site and there was one problem. The food and drink were in fact provided, the check had cleared, however the device they had was not the one I had spent time designing. It did not have the renforcement to the barrel, was missing any of the saftey/gauges, and was hooked up to a large propane tank.
"Excuse me," I tried to interject, "But where is the potato cannon I designed for you?"
"Oh we made some changes," I was informed.
"Yeah we made it way more efficient," Another echoed, "and we checked your math, you had the propane to air ratio way to low."
I had done no such thing, If anything I rounded up on my math not down.
"Really," I asked, "By how far I was off?"
After all I had to know the appropriate distance to be away.
"By quite a bit," I was corrected, "You said .01%, when it's actually .1%"
"Huh," I said as I looked to their house and located a spot inside, "What about a gauge to know when it's full?"
"Pfffft," They laughed, "We can eyeball it. We'll be fine."
Huh, definitely wanted to be on the other side of a wall then.
"Alright then, I am going to take my Code Red and My Meat Pie 100 yrds or so to the house. I am then going to sit by that double paned picture window and pet your cat, while I watch you idiots blow yourselves up."
For some reason they took offence.
"You've always been too careful," The one snarked.
"Yeah," The second finished, "We know what we're doing."
I smilied, I consider myself even tempered. But these two had called into question my creative abilities. Well if the Merciful God that is my lord wanted me to have dinner and a show, then who was I to try and stop this excercise in natural order. I even decided to help the Lords plan along.
"Alright then, Lets make a wager," I not so nicely smilied, "If you can test that bomb of yours to my standards, then I will publicly acknowledge you my superiors in every way."
"You're on," They eagerly agreed.
Incidents like these are why I do in fact now that the Lord exists, he's merciful, and he has a wonderful sense of humor.
I took my place and began to observe the idiots on parade.
First, they let gas into the chamber for 5 min, then loaded the potato and fired.
Shot 1 - No malfunction.
Many of you are wondering why they put gas in then the potato. Surly Jaycren, you'd say, you need the potato to seal the chamber. Except this was my confirmation that one part of my design made it in. A flap that sealed the gas in the chamber prior to the shot. Afterwards the fans would have vented any incomplete combustion.
The two idiots call my cell.
"Ha, Eat that!" They Gloated, "You're just as blind as your momma."
It was at this point and with no regret in my heart that I blew them up, "Fire it ten times. You have to test it ten times, with no malfunction. Then I will admit defeat."
Like I said, I am even tempered, but nobody talks shit about my Mother.
So once again they load propane into the chamber and slot another potato into the tube. They then triggered the cannon.
At this point I was petting their cat, a lovely white abby. I was seated in a rocker watching them ake fols of themselves. As soon as tweedle dum and dumber pulled the trigger the previously happy cat vaulted from my lap. I followed soon after. The blast wave crossed the 100yrds to the house and rattled the window. I got up, exited the house and walked over to the two assholes as they extinguished themselves.
As I dialed 911, I queried, "Now what did we learn?"
"Never question you when it comes to fire and explosions." came my favorite reply.
The paramedics arrived shortly thereafter and one of them walked up to me, it turns out I knew him.
"Alright, what happened?" He asked.
"I have no idea." I replied.
"Jaycren this is completely of the record. I just need to know what I'm dealing with."
"Oh, in that case they didn't listen to me and used propane to blow themselves up. At no point did chemicals of any sort hit them. They got lucky and it was only the hair on their heads they lost."
And Thus that was my last major commision, I did minor ones after but that was the last of the big projects.
All Hail The House Of Ren!!!!!
5140548
And as long as call for emergency services afterwards.