(Special) Fic Review: Lightning Mare

Okay, as a few of you may… or may not know, huge fan of Seriff Pilcrow’s story “Spectrum of Lightning”. Probably one of the very few stories I’ve ever reviewed that’s gotten a perfect score even to this day. Things could have been very different. To quote Seriff himself on the subject:

Spectrum started life as a dark, broody adventure a la Tomb Raider 2013. What I didn't mention is that the circumstances wherein Velvet and Daring met were very, very different. Instead of Spectrum of Lightning, the story was titled Lightning Mare. Instead of a train, Velvet was in an airship. Instead of mercenaries, the enemies were renegade soldiers.

And instead of pride, I look at this previous version of Spectrum with contempt. It lacked the easygoing tone of the present incarnation of the story and failed to provide enough opportunities for Velvet to demonstrate her plucky personality.

And he actually shared the first two chapters on a public blog post, just so we could see what the original draft of the story was actually like. He’s not kidding in some regards. The original draft, Lightning Mare… well, it was a very different beast compared to what we got today. In some aspects, yes, you can see the original outlines of Spectrum and see what the story would become. For example, the vibrant descriptive action scenes are still there, and you still feel like you’re with the characters thanks to how everything is described.

But that said, there’s still… issues. For example, Velvet is… well, I dare say a mare in distress half the time in these two chapters. She doesn’t have that… well, I don’t know what you’d call it. She’s not exactly… fun. She’s not good with the wrench, nor is she particularly plucky as I’ve come to expect from Seriff’s interpretation of Velvet. Compare and contrast with Spectrum Velvet, who while shocked at times, quickly gets on her feet -so to speak- and adapts to the situation at hand. This Velvet does not.

Unlike in Spectrum, this Velvet is hardly a thrill seeker and wants no part of this crap. Fact is, she’s only sticking with Daring because she’s her only ally. That leads me to my next point.

Unlike Spectrum, the Lightning Mare -still clueless about that title by the way- is hardly a ‘fun’ story. More like grim and gritty. That would work if this was a noire story or something like that, but this is an adventure. Spectrum’s a homage to classic adventure stories, like old-school Lara Croft, Indiana Jones, the Mummy. Things like that. This just doesn’t feel nearly as… fun.

…which is not usually a problem at times, but Twilight Velvet at least for me is pretty much best in Seriff’s hands with a wisecracking, and carefree demeanor. That’s how he really made her shine. Her personality and what he had planned… well, suffice it to say, it doesn’t mesh well with a gritty, grimdark tale like Proto-Spectrum. Yeah, much more brooding I have to say by the end of the day. Or at least less fun. Doesn’t have that sharp wit I’m used to. People want to enjoy themselves, I suspect. They want an escape. Why do you think the James Bond and Indiana Jones, and James Bourne movies are so popular?

This… this doesn’t provide that escape. Taking the more realistic route—making Velvet broody and traumatized… well, I’m sorry, it just doesn’t work.

Yes, I realize this was inspired by Tomb Raider 2013, which functioned as an origin story for Lara Croft. Part of the reason Velvet was in distress for most of the story is because of the inspiration. But here lies the problem. .Trouble is, we know what Lara's supposed to become. We don't know what Velvet's supposed to become. Here’s she’s just sorta… there.

Seriff confided in me over Discord that the Spike chapter, AKA where Spike discovers what his adoptive grandma used to get up to would only come at the end in this original draft. Yeah, just no.

Yeah, that right there was a crucial change. If you're going to do an origin story for a character, the audience needs to know from the get-go who they're going to become. We know with Lara who she will become, but we don't know what Velvet will become. I have to keep expressing this time and time again. This is where this story fails hugely. Velvet is less of a character, more of a plot device to get the story from A to B.

Now, you might have noticed Daring has never shown up in the commentary except for one minor mention. That’s because she only shows up at the very end of chapter 2’s GDoc, which also gives us a small glimpse of chapter 3. I can’t really comment on Daring aside from her being an archetype of Indiana Jones from what little we see of her.

All in all, the final score isn’t a happy one.

4/10

Just goes to show you how changes, even the little tweaks go so far in improving a story immensely.

(For curiosity's sakes, the chapters.)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/16YJhNyO9z-0iAkXnv0Y1Y055y7pctuIrykcL0efHBC4/edit?usp=sharing
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dLy_GtZbtcURuHdLqP-R3r_pV_aCXPqJwhEKBmGdr_c/edit?usp=sharing