Here we go again

You know, since I began to pull myself out two years ago from the deep hole I was, I've been feeling how that "surge" of confidence began to fade away slowly. I... I admit that those days seems far away, and this two years passed by like a second in my mind. The person that reached its "peak" a year ago seems also far away, and yet, that year still in my mind as the best year of my life.

On that time, I made a lot of friends which, even now, stand as my best friends and a constant reminder that I shall keep living and, someday, I would be able find the willpower I've lost...

I've been fighting this last year trying to do, well, literally anything, but... I just can't...

It's like my mind just do not want me to be happy...

I have all this ideas, all this feelings that, in a single year, it was like I was living a whole different life. Suddenly I began to care about things, about me, about my happiness and what I want to do and what I don't.

And so... Well, I think I have been through a rather 'strange' process...

To go from almost killing myself almost daily, to, well, here. Seems almost like a dream, like if that person that pulled me wasn't me or, like I'm becoming again that thing that lived my life for many years...

My 'process' began with My Little Pony, it made me want to read some fanfiction, I went into Fanfiction and, in a totally random thing, I discovered the one that made me turn my life into, well, a life.

"I Forgot I Was There" by GaPJaxie

That story just... It just made me realize so much and I will never forget it or that little talk I had with such and incredible person and writer. It was the last year when I send him a a message. I had to say thanks for all that his story did for me.

And well... The feeling of being no good is stuck too deep inside... Many people, friends, doctors, etc. tell me that I'm doing it good. That I'm fine, that that 'surge' was all because of the extreme turnaround I was making and, to feel down again, is just part of me watching the things more clear.

But still, I feel like I'm a fraud. All those friends I made, all those things I create, somehow makes me think that I'm no longer that person, I'm worse, I'm just a shadow, a parody.

Since the moment I began to live again, I always said that "Friendship is Magic", because, even if I didn't had the strenght or the wish to live, my friends and family gave me some of theirs and helped me to make it through the day. There were things that were worth fighting for once again, there was... I don't know... magic, again.

And for months, I've been afraid that the magic was gone. That the person that belives in that was deep inside of me once again, shrouded by very dark and horrible thoughts...

I... I've low self-esteem, depresion and anxiety... I thought that feeling bad was just part of life and because of that, I didn't wanted the life I was given.
My friends, My Little Pony, my family, this incredible community made me belives the otherwise.

I wanted so much to be alive again, that... I ended up messing everything... I constantly feel like I'm not a good friend, I'm not worthy of that much care, that I'll never be happy with myself and all of that...

For a moment, I thought that the person that belived in the Magic of Friendship was slowly dying... And only the one that wanted to jump from the closest bridge would remain...

And then... I few days ago, a friend, a very good friend sent me a message.

It was a gift.

Initially, I couldn't believe what the gift was. I had never seen him or even talk to him besides Fimfiction Messages. I met him when I posted a request, I was looking for an editor for one of my stories and he was the only one that accepted. Since then, two years ago, we have been working together, chatting more or less and all that. He's a good person that have very bad moments...

He told me that I was a good friend and, I had to be sincere with him. I told him that I had been through all this stuff, depresion, anxiety, that I hate what I am but I don't have the strenght to be what I really want to be; I told him how much I loved Twilight Sparkle, not only because that story, but because she makes me think that I could be better, that I could smile, that the world wasn't that bad, and, that somehow, when I see her smile, things just feel better... I told him all of that, that I always wanted to be "she", but to be called like that would be a lie...

And yet, he did it anyway...

It hurts... To think that what makes me feel happy, now is a reminder that I no longer am... That I failed, that I can't be like her, not even like myself...

The gift he gave me was a video.

A message from Tara Strong.

The moment I saw the title, I closed my eyes and paused it.

I was happy and... frightened.

I was smiling because it was her, it was Tara Strong, she was saying my name, wishing me the best, calling me 'she", and... I couldn't think of anything but that it was amazing, and that I didn't deserve such a gift...

I felt bad about myself... I thought that maybe I was trying to live in another world, a world where all that stuff of being happy, a better world, and that the 'magic of friendship' was never that special...

But then... That video...

A person I don't know his face, one that I met because I wanted to write better fanfiction about colorful ponies, was now giving me not only a gift, but one that meant so much for me that... That I couldn't believe it in first place...

It was a miracle... Something that no one could even begin to fathom even if they try... The way that one thing lead it to another and became such an important part of my life in so many ways...

It has to be something, I thought...

It could only be called. "Magic"...

There it was once again...

Friendship...

I don't know if this post means something or if is even legible... I... I just needed to say that.

That Friendship IS Magic.

That, even if I can't belive I'm good, if I can't like myself, if I can't see the mirror and see me there... There will always be friends that will proof me the otherwise...

Maybe... Maybe I will never see me as 'her'... But maybe, if they can see past that, I don't know... Maybe I could bring that inside outside...

I'll never be able to thank enough to my friends for what they have given to me... Their friendship, their time, a part of their life and themselves... And that, even if I apologize all the time for being a burden, the truth is that I am grateful to being able to do that... To count on someone else...

And...

I think that's it...

Thanks for reading this mess.

To think that, even when I can't believe anymore in the magic of friendship, it just appears once again, yelling me, for even think on give up...

Thank you.

Thanks Hub. I'll never forget that.