My thoughts on the movie "Hellboy (2019)" · 2:12am Apr 19th, 2019
My Editor: You need to review that movie we just went to see
Me: WHAT?!? NOOOO!! THAT PIECE OF SH*T?!--
Editor: Do it! C'mon girl it'll be funny to see what words you use to describe it!
Me:.........FINE, but you owe me for this!
This review deserves two
Okay so I feel like if I give a spoiler warning than that'd be a good gesture, but honestly this movie doesn't even deserve that! So! Onto my review:
This movie was absolutely terrible. There I said it! To get it out of the way for any more... appropriate words I need to use.
This "reboot" was by far one of the worst things I've seen in theaters this year (or any year in the past 4 years...and I sat through Bay Watch!). The writing was abysmal and the characters felt so 1 dimensional, I half expected the crew of Punk'd to pop out and yell "We just played you bitches! Here's the REAL characters!". The "plot" was sprawled out all over the place and left to rot in some shithole for weeks! The music? I swear I am a lover of rock and alternative, but to have it on repeat for 2 hours? I'd sooner jump out of a moving train than deal with that again! The effects sucked ass! Bad pacing made me wish to scratch my own eyes out! Overall, this movie SUCKS!
Overall rating: -10/10 
s
Til next time,
-PH 20
Yeah Ron Perlman's Hellboy was wayyyyy better, hands down
Yeah, it was bad. Real bad. And I loved the original Hellboy, so I went in with high hopes. Some parts were okay; I think the actor who played Hellboy himself was alright, but not up to Ron Pearlman's level, and I liked the Spiritual Medium girl, though she was no replacement for Liz. I was furious that Abe was nowhere to be seen, until that stupid stinger at the end, as if that garbage will ever get a sequel, and the wereleopard, while an interesting obscure monster reference, was a trash character who's backstory made no sense. HOW DID HE SURVIVE WHEN EVERYONE ELSE DIED? We'll never know. And then there's the King Artur subplot. Uh... Why? Why was that needed at all? It was so irrelevant that you could've pulled it from the story. It just made everything feel cringy, for some reason, like they were spitting on the original concept of Hellboy. Now, I don't know if that was actually in the original comic series, since -- I confess -- I'm not that into comics and never read them, but Gods above, why!?
And don't get me started on Professor Broom, Hellboy's father. In the original, he was a likeable old man who tried his best to raise a rebellious child in a world that wouldn't ever truly accept him. However, while the world didn't accept him very much, they didn't revile him as much either. He was a spectacle, a freak, a comic-book hero that people believed wasn't real; not hated by everyone who saw him for no good reason. But I digress; the father in the "reboot" was an unlikable asshole. In the original, the death of Professor Broom packed an emotional gut-punch, because not only did Hellboy never get to reconcile with his father after their argument, but the scene where he dies is drawn out and we watch him willingly accept his fate, rather than fight against it. In the reboot? Yeah, I don't even want to talk about his scene in that.
And lets not forget, in the reboot, Hellboy fails. If his father's ghost hadn't popped out of the Abyss to call him a pussy, he would've destroyed the world. In the original, Hellboy faces his destiny and defies it by himself, with his own willpower and determination to do right. THAT is what a hero should be.
... I think I shanghaied your review. Sorry.
*clears throat* I had... very high hopes for this movie and I'm vastly upset at it's indomitable failure.
5046280
Oh hell yeah
5046281
Ya know what? I ain't even mad that you did! At least I was 'nice' about this piece of shit--I mean movie--actually no I mean piece of shit!
I already know how great Guillermo del Toro's Hellboy duology was after seeing the first film, which meant I already knew how inferior the Reboot film is (didn't even need to see it to recognize that).
5046289
Exactly!
5046282
No, piece of shit is the best term. Calling it a movie would be validating it's existence.
And I'm sorry, did you notice how awful the CGI was at points? The Giants especially. This is 2019: a year where we can produce marvels like this and this; regardless of how I feel about the concepts behind those movies (more Lion King than Detective Pikachu) they are visually amazing. And in Hellboy? We get this. Blurry, poorly designed, and did you see the blood from the last hit in the fight? It looked like red play-doh rather than blood.
Oh and, with a little digging, I learned that this entire story was pulled directly from the comic "The Wild Hunt"... So, I suppose I need to blame the writer of that for writing it, and the Director for deciding to chose such a convoluted and weakly written piece as the one chosen for the movie.
5046292
Of fucking course I noticed it! How could I not see it!?! It felt like watching a badly CGI-ed movie from 1991!?!
5046294
Hell, you know what? Lets give it a chance. Lets put a CGI fight scene from this Hellboy, up against one from the original Hellboy movie. That came out roughly fifteen years ago, so it should be better, right?
Now
Then
Well, I can say this much. I'll give this Reboot 5 stars out of 5 in recreating the exact same quality of CGI as presented to us fifteen years ago. Bravo movie. But wait, one of Hellboy's greatest features -- at least to me -- were the costumes. Monsters that weren't CGI, but just really good cosmetology. Lets compare those, shall we?
Then
Uh... yeah, there are barely any non-CGI monsters in the reboot. Because why waste money on costume designers when you can throw all your money into really low quality CGI. Now there is one monster in particular; one of the only things I liked from this movie. And that's Baba Yaga.
The costume by no means lives up to the standards shown above -- they somehow failed to make a costume even a quarter as good as the ones from the past -- but the inclusion of an obscure Japanese hag was... surprising. And very appreciated. Her style was unsettling to a near nauseating degree and that's exactly what a hag is supposed to be like. Even her offering Hellboy a meal, only for that meal to be human children is fitting of her; she pretends to be normal, but when you sit down and look at things directly, you see just how horrifyingly wrong everything is.
She was probably the only thing I enjoyed from the movie. And by enjoyed, I mean she made me shiver and almost throw up in my mouth on several occasions, which is her entire point.
5046290
So why bother making a film reboot in the first place?
5046300
And I agree on all aspects! This--shitstain should not exist! Yet it does and we are to suffer? That's a load of horseapples!
5046304
Beats the fuck outta me?! The original Del Toro's duology was in a word: Genius to a relatively unknown comic series. This "reboot" slapped the first film in the face and kicked the second one in the balls!
5046282 Let's not forget that shitstain that is the 2016 Ghostbusters
5046332
I don't think I did a review on that one, but yeah....that movie also sucked!