The Great Mass of Project Horizons : chapter 34 · 5:38pm Nov 24th, 2018
Brothers and Sisters, welcome to this gathering in this very holy day as today I will share you the tale of our Lord and Savior, BJesus. I know that many of you are still unbelievers of the true faith that is the Project Horizons faith but I welcome you for being present, for the text I shall share today is the tale of the resurrection of our Lord and Savior. BJesus, in all her glory, wasn't ready to die ! Neigh, I say ! For she was simply too pure and too necessary for this world to die !
Let us pray !
And so the tale begins with our Lord and Savior having a vision in the realm of the dead ! However, do remember that even when BJesus walk in the valley of the shadow of death, she knows no fear ! So worthy was she for the beings of the Star and the Souls of ponykind that they granted her the vision of the truth of the past of the World. Yes, brothers and sisters, BJesus was struck by a vision from the heavens and saw the Devil in all its foul glory ! Let met share with you this story that is absolutely not a stupid way for Somber to convey the backstory of the world. Those would be the words of an unbeliever !
At the beginning of the worlds, the Stars existed in harmony sharing their song of Harmony but from the Dark came the most foul of Stars looking like an alicorn and who desired not of Harmony but of Dominance. Trying to overpower the other Star Gods, this Evil Star God tried to conquer all of the Universe with his foul song but was thwarted by the Holy Song and so as Satan falling from the Heavens, he crashed onto Earth in the shape of a Dark and corrupted meteorite ! However, such hatred couldn't be easily destroyed and as eons passed the foul influence corrupted the hearts of the Zebras that, in their feeble mind, didn't see the cataclysm that was near !
Indeed, as they tried to extend the influence of the Evil Star God, Leeroy Jenkins another Star God tried to shut their overpowering voices with a heavenly strike, using its own body to try and destroy both the former city of Roam and the Evil Star God ! But alas, this was not meant to succeed for while Leeroy Jenkins destroyed Roam, it was absorbed in the heart of the Evil Star God, only two sparks of Leeroy Jenkins escaping to the Sun and Moon. Later, Roam became Hoofington as ponies replaced Zebras and so the tale goes that the Evil Star God evil evily grasp on the ponies corrupted Princess Luna so that she became Nightmare Moon. Yes, brothers and sisters ! Such is the truth ! How was Luna corrupted ? Fuck if I know. BUT ! I do know that the wise banishment of her sister by Celestia helped her reformation for you see the spark of Leeroy Jenkins on the Moon sucked the corruption away ! What ? Yes, she was still Nightmare Moon when she came back, so what ? You say my tale doesn't make sense ! YOU SHALL BE SHUNNED YOU UNBELIEVER !
And it is said that the reason for the senseless war that created the Wasteland was also that Evil, Evily Evillainous Star God fault for you see, his grasp is still as present as ever and... Yes, Somber still tried to give some sense to the war, showing how the war was inevitable because of an unfortunate amount of tragic circumstances and it does clash heavily with the Evil Star God thing... BUT YOU SEE, THAT'S HOW EVIL THE STAR GOD WAY IS ! For he tried to hide his influence behind a non-manichean pretense when actually it wasn't so ! How cunning ! How devious !
But what of Bjesus, you may ask in religious fervor ? Fret not, my children of the choir ! BJesus with the blessing of her mother Twilight (How is that possible since the Goddess is still alive ?) SILENCE ! So, with the the blessing of her mother, she went back to the Hellish place that was the Wasteland. Yes, my brothers and sisters, for on the third day after her tragic death, she came back to life ! In her broken shell of a body you ask ? No ! For Destiny saw that she was reborn not as a lowly mortal but an immortal angel of metal !
Indeed ! Despite having been without oxygen for almost eight hours, her brain was still intact even if common knowledge says explicitely that after 10 minutes, your brain is effectively a potato ! Indeed, for Glory, our savior's lover was strong enough to make Rampage's heart beat for two bodies and give her enough oxygen, even though a heart cannot do that and the process was simply too stupid to think about. (Father, your tone !). Excuse me, I faltered in my faith a bit.
Yes, so surviving in a manner that is nothing short of a miracle she was also given new internal organs and mouth making her almost impervious to fatigue and able to eat metal and gemstone. SO SAY THE LORD ! All four limbs were replaced with powerful and fingered hooves that are light and sturdy and her eyes were both replaced too. SO SAY THE LORD ! And with all those changes even in bone structure, our BJesus became effectively immortal for you shall remember that Deus, Rover and the Professor survived for over a century thanks to the power of the Steelpony project. Her Pipbuck is even fused with her body (any similarity with another Jesus-like character would only be fortuitous). With her new body, BJesus is now strong enough to face the horrible Wasteland for she also was cleansed of all her Taint because she is the descendant of Twilight Sparkle ! OH LORD, PRAY FOR THE CHOSEN ONE ! She also got all those bodyparts from the Professor Zodiac and a bit of Deus because our Lord and Savior is worthy of everyone's sacrifice, her life is the best thing that ever was and so she shall receive everything from everyone.
SO SAY THE LORD !
Impervious to radiation, taint, fatigue and age, our angel of the Wasteland is finally ready to become the shining star of this new and ill world ! She is now so powerful, so sturdy and resistant that one could argue that she will most likely never face an enemy that stands the shred of a chance to her. A trifling matter for what's important is not conflict or character progression but repetitive angst and scenes of wild stupidity. So say the lord ?
And while I understand that some of you might find that EC-1101 is stupid to allow a Princess-level of clearance to any of the child of the mares and stallions in the chain of command, effectively making it not a safe guard but an actual secret master key that essentially allows anyone on the chain of command or children of said ponies to have access to the most secret data of the country. I heard your cries related to how dumb it is that being the child of one of those ponies shouldn't grant you any form of access since that's not how a chain of command works and how stupidly contrived it is that BJesus is the child of Twilight Sparkle but so is the truth of the matter ! THIS SHALL NOT BE QUESTIONNED !
How dare question the validity of Twilight Sparkle being the kind of a mare to actively seek a romantic relationship instead of tirelessly working on the war effort, something that was unprecedented in their history and that pushed Celestia to retire ? How dare you suggest that Twilight would be the LEAST likely of all the Mane 6 to have time for love in that scenario, especially if paired with someone has removed of her own Ministry as Big Mac ? Those are the words of a mad man ! The parents of our BJesus shall not be questionned for she is the Chosen One.
And so BJesus meets LittlePip and her gang of Holy Knights and as it is obvious they become friends quite quickly. It doesn't matter that BJesus actually... berates the sufferings of Velvet by saying she suffered more or that she actually show off her life story to a random stranger just to be pat on the head by LittlePip and have her say that she is amazing and beautiful and that she suffers more. Yes, being that insulting to the original is okay because LittlePip is not a Jesus, she is only a prophet of the BJesus way ! As such, BJesus can show off and receive a hug. If you think that's Somber going full fanboy and being stupid, you've seen nothing yet.
And so Pip and BJesus go fight in the tunnel below the Tenpony Tower. Yes, I know what you're thinking : "Wasn't it this tunnel where Steelhooves let Grim Star be killed by ghouls and that were so full of ghouls they actually were a menace to the Tenpony ?" Well, Pip is simply dumb since she was the one to override the lockdown (Fuck if I know how she did that) and so they went killing ghouls in a little mare's night out. It's really as stupid as it sound and it's not done yet.
Of course, BJesus was trustworthy enough for Pip to trust her with doing this very dangerous and crucial mission even if she was drunk. Red Eye isn't a very formidable foe anyway, proof is it's not a BJesus foe ! So hardly worth being very focused on it. Plus BJ kissed LittlePip for OUR LORD AND SAVIOR was kind enough to grant her such a boon from the heavens. ALLELUIA !
So Pip successfully did this part of her mission thanks to BJesus, and treated the Goddess like a taxi for BJesus is the true GODDESS ! It doesn't matter if now the Goddess is reduced to a trivialized threat, that she bend over backwards for a drunk BJesus while knowing that Pip was doing shady deals with Red Eye meaning that she should have seen the plan of Pip coming and, of course, it doesn't matter that BJesus who earlier in the chapter didn't want to fly is now okay with flying back to the Tenpony Towers just to show off.
So the chapter of this tale comes to an end and what I have to say in the end is...
What a joke of a fiction.
Closing thoughts : SO SAY THE LORD !
This is probably the best way you could have possibly covered this chapter. I needed this in my life, thank you.
4972723
You are welcome, my child, for bringing the joy of the BJesus is but my humble calling.
Have you ever gotten so outraged at something that you passed the point of blunt lambasting and turned to poetry and religion to vent your rage at the gods? Plenitude's been there.