Chayn Critiques! FoE: Uncertain Ties · 6:20am Sep 29th, 2018

Author: Alaeru
Title: Fallout Equestria: Uncertain Ties
Synopsis: Living in Stable 36 and its surface town is relatively safe and uneventful, until an Enclave aircraft crashes in the hills outside of town. Misty Sparks, future Overmare, and her chem-head cousin Blaze investigate, saving the life of Skyfire, an otherwise simple mechanic with a troubled youth. This sets off a series of events which will test not only their hearts and spirits, but that of Stable 36 itself. Will they find a way to protect Stable 36 from looming threats and uncover a dark conspiracy within the Wasteland, or will they fall beneath the hoof of slavers?

Commentary:

>“Glorious Equestria”

It's somewhat... weird to see such an epigraph, seems incimplete, sesnseless.

>“Jolts I know you’re flying

Comma.

>I can’t remember five minutes ago

Maybe "I can't remember what happened five minutes ago"? Feels weird anyway.

>Vertihawk,

Originally it's supposed to be Vertibuck. If it's another model/world I could understand that, if it's not then it's a mistake.

>I can see the stencil of your personalized name for it

Why would he keep a stencil in a Vertibuck? Also, that doesn't prove anything since she could've been taking by anypony who just stole this particular Vertibuck.

>“Skyfire we’re going to deliver that crate to Aurora, I figured you’d remember but I suppose you did trip and bump your head just a few minutes ago, we’re about to take off,”

It seems like he knocked her out, because it's hardly believable otherwise. If so, why not sleeping gas or anything like that? Head trauma could have long lasting consequence for years to come potentially.

>before the mare was thrown back against her seat.

Thrown seems like the acceleration was big one. Apparently it is a different model of Vertibuck indeed.

>explosion of angry talking

Angry chatter maybe?

>The mare fired back, her ears perking up as she heard an explosion of angry talking from a nearby headset. She struggled against the acceleration to unclip her harness so she could grab the headset and listen into what Jolts was dealing with, feeling uneasy as she could catch bits of the hasty responses he was firing back into the airwaves.

So... she is in the cargo/personnel section of a vertibuck. Military helicopters, and vertibucks are similar to them, got headphones for inner communication only, while only pilot and co-pilot got headphones to chat with base. As such, either it's even more unusual aircraft or she couldn't hear the chatter. Oh, right, and I assume that headphones are supposed to be positioned in such a way that you could take them by hoof from your seat.

>as she could catch bits of the hasty responses he was firing back into the airwaves.

No, even if she's a thestral, she couldn't, because engines and propellers. It's LOUD.

>The cacophony cut off as the stallion in the front cut the audio, sending a small chill down Skyfire’s back. “Look- Sky we’re getting out of here now and we’re going to deliver this, then we’re going to live a better life, one where you’re free from Irontail’s scowl and able to do whatever you want.”

I would separate action and dialogue phrase.

>“Jolts! Why would you do this? Things were fine enough, and yeah my dad hated my decision to not become a soldier but he wasn’t going to kill me. I’ll be fine up here in Neighvarro, I’ll figure out some way to console him.” The mare shouted back, unable to ignore the growing unease as the gap in her memory gnawed at her more and more.

“If I had bumped my head hard enough to not remember- Which warning sirens are going off Jolts?” Skyfire barely started her accusation of there being more going on when the sudden barrage of alarms going off in the cockpit caught her attention. “Is that a missile lock noise, what the hell did you do?” She shouted up at him, grunting as the Vertihawk suddenly pitched up, slamming her back into the seat. Her wings ached from the impact, grey and crimson feathers ruffled with nerves.

Is it even a dialogue or not? She's the only one talking.

>“If I had bumped my head hard enough to not remember- Which warning sirens are going off Jolts?

Why "which"? Why not simply "Why warning sirens are going off"? Or even drop "warning".

>purple eyes widened as she realized they had cleared the clouds.

"Breached"?

>Skyfire’s vision swam as the repeated head smacking only brought worsening spikes of pain

Yeah... no helmet. Awesome.

>hard enough to worsen her headache.

Next sentence.

>Skyfire’s vision swam as the repeated head smacking only brought worsening spikes of pain starting to make her nauseou

Worsening intensifies.

>she fought to lift her head so she could look her friend in the eyes

...in case he/she decides to look into the compartment I assume.

>She’d never seen him so afraid.

Uhm... she didn't ever saw him that afraid?

>A second later her vision exploded into stars as her head slammed violently into the hull. Skyfire barely registered the explosion as she faded from consciousness.

a)This Vertibuck got no guns or flares. WTF.
b)"Faded from consciousness.", not knocked out, blacked out, not lost consciousness, not anything of a sort, but faded. Usually "fade" as a verb used to describe fires, mists, life, health or something of a sort. Poetic, sure, but... looks a tad weird to me.
с)She's dead. They're under cloud cover, sure, but it was a rocket coming from behind and she was in the back of the vertibuck.

>“Really? I wouldn’t have guessed,” drawled Misty Sparks, lime green eyes narrowing at the large mare besides her. “Can you bring me those supplies?” She inquired, gesturing with a silver hoof though she wasn’t quite looking at the storage area across the ragged wood and metal building they were within. She easily could have grabbed it with her magic, but she wanted breathing space from the stench clinging to Blaze.

Uhm... you... don't do that. You don't do dialogue-action-dialogue-action in one paragraph.

>“Fine,” muttered Blaze, jumping down from the barstool she’d been occupying and crossing the way to the indicated shelf. There was a large crate resting just in front of it, something the large mare could easily lift or drag over, but she paused, hoof resting on the lid. “Only if I get a hit,” she demanded with a leering smile.

Same. Also, "jumpING", "crossING", "restING" but "pausED", and "restING"(second time in this paragraph by the way) again. Seems like a mixup.

>she demanded with a leering smile.

You could safely delete it.

>The large mare smashed the lid off, rather than simply removing it, with a sledgehammer she kept on her person at all times, sending splinters flying, Misty Sparks shielding her face with her Pip-Buck.

Why not CROWBAR? It's what it made for!

>demands for samples could grate on her last nerve

Err... either simply "grate on her nerves" or something.

> It wasn’t like there were many other chemists in Stable 36, just herself and the mare who worked the other shift really, nopony else devoting themselves to the creation of chemical concoctions.

a)Why not?
b)Why does she even work as chemist then?

>Digging through one of her lockboxes, Misty Sparks offered Blaze her payment for the simple task of helping

"for the simple task of helping" is unnecessary at all.

>the wet sand colored mare greedily snatching the container of Buck.

I don't get why you prefer the "ing" ending that suggest that action is continuing. Why not "she snatched"?

>thusly how long before she could escape Blaze. She was dangerously close to the end of her patience for Blaze.

Thus. Blaze in two sentences, one after another.

>Misty Sparks couldn’t hide her soft scowl

If there is a soft scowl, there is supposed to be a hard scowl. I wonder...

>She could just make out the farm between the buildings, the soft buzz of the artificial sunlight lamps the only thing giving them a decent harvest with the constant cloud cover courtesy of the Enclave.

Well... don't they have their own garden in the Stable? How do they power lamps? Is it a greenhouse or not? If not, how plants survive?

>almost everything seemed to break as soon as they were working again.

...what?

> It was a wonder

Miracle would sound better.

> It was a wonder it was doing as well as it was, seeing as Red-Eye was making his approach out of Fillydelphia, but their remote location lessened her worry of him cresting the hills any day and enslaving them all. It simply made things boring, but she would take that over danger any day.

He could still do that, or Steel Rangers could arrive and hoard all the tech. Funny it didn't happen already.

>jumping forward yelping

There's supposed to be a comma around here somewhere.

>The walls of the chem shop shook, product on display and beakers shattering on the floor

You know... like many weird points before

>The walls of the chem shop shook, product on display and beakers shattering on the floor, Blaze wailing in dismay at the loss. “What in Celestia was that!” Screamed Misty Sparks, looking at Blaze who was trying to lick the drug reagents off the ground. “Blaze!”

Separate description from dialogue, really.

>Bloodshot emerald eyes flicked up to her, paused mid-lick. “Huh?”

Lick as in "licking"? Well, that's... an unnatural anatomy if I ever saw one.

>the stable anytime soon

Stable

By that point I'm too tired to catch all of punctuation and orthography mistakes.

>but if I find out you tattled I’ll make you regret it more than anything else

Everypony is going to be gossiping about that ship, you're thinking more of ratting Blaze out.

>The unicorn yelped, trying to melt into the metal door almost.

More like "become one with it", really.

>slipped it into her saddlebag with the one magazine of ammo she kept with it

"slipped into her saddlebags along with a full magazine for it" or something like that.

>but the thought of an injured pony was starting to itch at the back of her mind

a)Those are potential hostiles
b)There could be several.
c)Gnaw, not itch.

>It’s locked Sparky, now come on, we’re going out the back.”

And how did Sparky, almost the proprietor of the place forgot about that? come to think of it, why chem shop is situated on the surface? Lab could be in the Stable while shop out there.

>There must have been a lot of fuel for it to still be so thick and strong after a few hours, only growing larger the closer they got and a pit formed in her chest.

Come to think of it, aren't Veribucks supposed to run on magic, gems and such? Equestria wasn't big on fuel...

>This earned the unicorn quite a few angry glares

Feed her a Buck pill, that would raise her stamina for a time. You got one on yourself, duh!

>The withdrawals were starting to kick in to

WithdrawAL, singular, since only one pony was drugged. Also, pop another pill.

>“I wanna get to the adventure before it all dies!”

What "it" is she talking about?

>she couldn’t decide which was worse as she slid down onto the ground panting.

Were they running the whole way or what? Simply walking or trotting wouldn't be that big of a problem.

>ears perked up in alarm as she was presented with the view of a fairly mangled up

Passive, bad.

>“S-Sparky… You might wanna get up here…”

"Sir, you need to see this" cliche.

>Blaze started moving over to comment on how much oil the machine could hold

Aaaand we haven't seen anything about the oil in FoE... well, I guess it could exist, but... eh.

>before looking back at the piles of oil

...pile. you get the chunk of metal, and another one, and another one, and, when you get enough, and place them together, you get pile of metal chunks. Liquid of any sort couldn't be in a pile. Barrels could, but we aren't talking about barrels, right?

>“If you didn’t want to find dead things then why did you come with me to a crash site?” Blaze asked, an eyebrow raised as she wandered

around, kicking various pieces of scrap, lifting up debris, glancing for any signs of life. “I suppose you might get lucky in that regard.” She added finally, flinching as she heard a grating wheeze, and looked around. Ears flicked forward, trying to detect the source of noise. There was something off about the sound, sending a chill down her spine as she heard it once more only heavier and growing closer.Dialogue-action-dialogue-action, again.

>glancing for any signs of life

"looking for"

>Her E.F.S., Eyes Forward Sparkle

Thank you, Captain Obvious, but I think everyone reading any spinoffs from original FoE knows what it is.

]>“You seeing this?”

The unicorn looked around, confused, until she noticed the growing red in her own vision. Her horn glowed green as she withdrew the 10mm pistol from her saddlebag. “Uh- what do you think it is?” She moved closer to Blaze, shaking.

“Shush,” Blaze ordered, “lemme listen.”

WHY DID YOU EVEN ASK?!

>A ghoul, a formerly normal pony subjected to the horrors of magical radiation to an extreme point, stared at them with soulless black eyes

Same as EFS thing. We know what those are, so, unless they are of some other breed... unnecessary and could be deleted.

>wheezing noise emanating from its mindless body.

They are undead and don't really need to breathe... but could, I think.

>“And it would’ve killed us,” Blaze snarled back, lifting her sledgehammer back up. “We got more coming!” She shouted around the hilt of the now bloodied hammer. “Get back!” Misty Sparks’ jaw fell open, shuddering and frozen in place. “Sparky I said-” Her words were cut off as a pair of ghouls rounded the corner, already running at a full gallop. They screamed with voices like broken souls, rasping and vile, hooves carrying them towards the pair of stable dwellers with violent intent. Blaze shoulder checked the first one, swinging her hammer around but missing it.

Again, this. Don't ever do this, really. Reader would get confused when two characters talking in the same paragraph with action happening between the lines.

>They screamed with voices like broken souls

How that's supposed to sound?

>The ghoul cried out as she crushed it

Cried, really? More like groaned or growled or something.

>Sparky you just

Sparky, ARE you...

>Misty Sparks snapped out of the terrified trance she’d fallen into

Delete "she'd fallen into", we got it, she's in trance, hence she fell into it some time earlier, sheesh.

>Blaze seethed, rushing towards her with blood upon her hide

Just. Simply. WOUNDED. Hell, even Lovecraft warned about particular style of prose!

>followed by Blaze crushing something glass underhoof

"some glass", and, since it's a military transport, this is a bulletproof glass, which is harder to destroy than metal walls around it.

>manic laughter of a pony on Stampede

She only took Buck though.

> Something liquid

"Some sort of".

>the new stench wasn’t like the metallic tang of oil. This time she was certain of it, there was nothing but blood.

Which she probably couldn't smell because of acrid smoke around her.

>She spotted two dark shapes that she couldn’t discern any details of, but they were certainly equine in shape, one hoof trembling as she activated the flashlight upon her Pip-Buck, casting the interior of the Enclave aircraft in a neonic green glow.

That sounds... eh. Bloated, I guess. It could've been and should've been split in two sentences, really. Also, "neon", not "neonic".

>Prayed Misty Sparks, horn glowing with magic as she lifted the mare’s head up enough so she could lean in and hear her breathing, only the faintest rattle escaping her.

With fires and fighting I doubt she could. Also, check the pulse, really. It's first aid stuff.

>Prayed Misty Sparks, horn glowing with magic as she lifted the mare’s head up enough so she could lean in and hear her breathing, only the faintest rattle escaping her. “Yes!” Screamed Misty Sparks in jubilation

a)Misty mentioned two times in a row, we get it, she's the main actor now.
b)It's still combat. Description during it supposed to be brief and fast, not like that.

>“Please be alive…”

Please don't. Oh, wait, you shouldn't have, since you were in a blown up transport hit by a missile and then fell from skies with no ejection system. Sure, chances of survival are... none.

>“Please be alive…” Prayed Misty Sparks, horn glowing with magic as she lifted the mare’s head up enough so she could lean in and hear her breathing, only the faintest rattle escaping her. “Yes!” Screamed Misty Sparks in jubilation, nearly dropping the pegasus with her magic. “Okay I need to get that thing out of you immediately,” she said to the unconscious mare, trying to ignore the corpse behind her. Settling down on the ground next to the fallen mare, Misty Sparks opened her saddlebags up while remaining focused on the embedded spike. She accidentally jostled the pegasus, not noticing her eyes slowly opening, clouded and dazed. Misty Sparks pulled out potions, bandages, and surgical scissors with thread, laying them out on a relatively clean piece of the aircraft nearby. “Ready?” She asked, really just trying to steady her own nerves.

What was I telling about mixture of dialogue and action? Forget it.

>Fixing her magic around the end of the spike, the unicorn inhaled sharply before pulling back with all the telekinetic power she possessed.

a)It's easier with hooves or teeth.
b)Most unicorns got less magical than physical strength.
c)Flowery description. Leave it for fantasy.

>To her horror, the pegasus followed along with it

Was it barbed or something?

>Magical grip upon the spike lost, it clattered away into the darkness,

And yet you didn't write that she pulled out a spike, just the pegasus following along with it. sometimes you're overdescrptive sometimes not enough.

>Purple eyes stared at her, ready to kick her away again if Misty Sparks dared try to restrain her once more.

Yeah, cause purple eyes are so good at kicking. Hmm... nice one. I need a character saying "I got purple eyes in kung-fu!"

>She screamed sharply, breath panicked, eyes wide. It was a sight that made Misty Sparks’ heart ache.

Sedative, Med-X. Why Misty didn't use it before, I wonder.

>What happened!

I think there is supposed to be a question mark.

>Misty Sparks’ heart almost bursting in terror.

Why not simply Misty?

>The ghoul screamed violently, its disconcordent voice battering her ears as much as its hooves as it leaped at her, bowling the mare over easily. She kicked out with her rear hooves, trying to push it off but the ghoul was at least twice her size, sickly flesh squelching upon impact and little else. Screaming, Misty Sparks brought her forehooves up just in time as it bit down at her face, half broken teeth snapping around the casing of her Pip-Buck instead of soft flesh. The flashlight was distorted with it biting into her Pip-Buck, spit and ichor dripping onto her face and casting it into a demonic glow, Misty Sparks’ heart almost bursting in terror.

Too descriptive. Combat is supposed to be dynamic, not... that.

>“You’re a monster!”

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

>Her hoof sent something clattering away, Misty Sparks daring to look down for a brief moment to see a flash of a laser pistol before it fell away into darkness. Misty Sparks plunged after it, waving her Pip-Buck around desperately as she threw debris around, hurling the wreckage back at the ghoul to buy herself a few more seconds.

Okay, so instead of using any sharp piece of debris you'd rather fish for some unknown weapon among it which you probably don't even know how to use. Given the crash site it is, most likely, broken, so you would have more chances with sharp rebar or something. Good.

>Just when she found it, small with a brilliant yellow micro-sparkle pack, the ghoul had grown enraged, surging at her with a roar so fierce she yelped and froze in place.

I think you just broke several rules of English language in here.

>not a sound escaping the now deceased rotting corpse

It's undead, deceased by definition(well, arguably but still). Also, "deceased corpse"... uh... okay?

>eyes staring at where the lasers had left scorch marks on the dark ceiling.

...yeah, because she could see them in the darkness with her flashlight covered by blood and gore.

>“Celestia,” she begged in a whisper, “Luna… Forgive me…” She almost felt like she would cry, coldness filling her from the hooves up, but something just wouldn’t let her. Then she remembered the wounded pegasus.

*sigh* At least she didn't went all Psalm on us.

>Her gaze flicked back to the stranger, having to look at her upside down and noticing the Enclave uniform on her. It was obvious in hindsight to the unicorn

She noticed the spike but not the uniform? How?

>There was also the matter of the blood draining out of her

I suppose "oozed, seeped, leaked or trickled" would be better. Also, she should probably be unconscious by now with her wound. I suppose it was big enough spike and blood flowing, well... yeah. Blood transfusion probably required at that point.

>her grey fur quickly matting over red.

Her whole flank is probably red by that point.

>as she quickly got to her hooves, shakingly getting back to the mare’s side and leaning down to push a potion up to the pegasus’ muzzle.

Why not pour it over the wound itself? It works. Also, Misty got healing spells, why not use them?

>The mare nodded weakly and opened her muzzle, drinking down the potion with a bit of assistance, it’s regenerative properties reacting promptly and restoring some of the pegasus’ vitality.

Err... sounds like HP, really. Also, come on, we know how those work! You wasted at least a line of text by describing the effect in detail!

>“I-I’m fucked aren’t I?”

Cue the "Good L_ck Yo*'re F*cked" by Celldweller.

>as she levitated over the emergency surgery kit, threading the needle and casting a quick spell to sanitize it.

Her wound is supposed to be partially closed by now due to healing potion. While I understand why she's doing it now I'd say it's a bit too late... eh.

>Now I’m going to sew up the rest of your injury, I know it’s scary to look at, and you’re in pain, but you’ve got to be strong and not move around so I can fix you up. Think you can do that?

Hello, Med-X? Clear the wound?

>I don’t want to see my insides...ever again.

She just saw meat. Normally "insides" is about seeing your own entrails, Blackjack style. This is just a flesh wound.

>Misty Sparks winced in return, feeling for the poor mare, suppressing a stray thought about how much pain the mare had to have been in mere moments before.

She is still in pain from headache, probably want to vomit, maybe a couple broken ribs(surprisingly not), gaping wound in hr leg. I doubt even magical assisted healing potion would help much. It could've lessened the pain somewhat, but... eh.

>You’re all closed up now sweetie

Closed?

>“Find any live ones Sparky?” Blaze asked casually as she suddenly appeared next to Misty Sparks, having scrabbled in after her cousin, hearing her rambling about something inside the ship.

Now I officially believe that Misty's Peception score is something around 3. Not noticing the ghoul, not noticing the Blaze.

>fired a raspberry

Blew

> Blaze shouted out, still tweaking out on her hit of Stampede.

I searched through the chapter again. No mention of Blaze taking a hit of Stampede. She only took Buck at the beginning of the chapter, nothing more. than, all of a sudden, she's on Stampede. How and when did it happen?

>Damnit Blaze, can you ever be sincere about anything?

Blaze IS sincere. The word you're looking for is "tactful" or "discreet".

>What? And I killed him?

Maybe "I didn't kill him!" would sound better?

>“Whatever, what are we gonna do with her? Take her back?”

No, leave her here, but common sense is a rarity.

>She’s just swimming in chemicals

It isn't like she took a bath in a vat full of chems...

>“Thank Celestia,” uttered Misty Sparks,

I feel like Misty is telling the story and she's awfully proud of her name. Come to think of it, we haven't seen fight description of Blaze vs ghouls, so... I could be right.

>“We gonna leave then? Don’t see much point hanging around.”

How about loot? Misty found a laser pistol, so... there are also remains of crate...

>slightly surprised Blaze had managed to get through at all. It was certainly difficult to get Skyfire out of it, having to stop a few times when the tight walls were too much for Skyfire and she began to panic, screaming at least twice in both pain and fear before they were outside.

Military pegasi, or, well, almost military, with fear of military transport despite her dad being high rank military officer? What? Also, she didn't panic because of it when she flew with her friend and if she got claustrophobia it's supposed to raise its head the first opportunity given.

>Blaze was awaiting them in the center of the ghoul corpses

Just "among the ghoul corpses" is fine.

>Misty Sparks blinked down, stiffening at the sight of her pistol, lost in the fight with the ghouls. “Oh uh…” She picked it up with her magic, tucking it away into her saddlebags. “Whoops?” Blaze gave a disapproving snort, and started walking once more.

Did I miss her... nope. No mention of laser pistol being taken from the wreckage, and it IS quite a find. Ugh, numbskulls. Blaze didn't comment on it either.

>Level Up! \\ Blaze (2) - Bruiser: You like to get up close and personal with your enemies. +5 Melee & +5 Unarmed \ Misty Sparks (2) - First in Class: You might be an egghead, but at least you’re a healthy egghead. +5 Science & Medicine \ Skyfire (2) - Extra Special: The Wasteland has dished out its best and you’ve endured. +1 Endurance

Hello, most boring perks in the world. I've missed you... no, not really.

Overall: Well... how should I spell it... normally when I see a writing of that quality I say it's bad, but this thing here is not bad, it's HORRIBLE. The idea behing it is solid, sure, characters are kinda nice, but flowery descriptions and all the mistakes piled up kills the joy of reading for me, and not just for me! I actually linked this chapter to a couple of friends. One of them tried it out and dropped it, and my friend isn't as picky as I am. Food for thought, you know.
Would I recommend it? No.
Would I suggest finding an editor? YES FOR THE LOVE OF QUEEN, YES!
Would I think that authors are foreigners, use online dictionary and are specifically Russian? Yes, yes and yes.
Would I think that this is actually a PnP session logged and fluffed? Yes.
Would this chapter stay the same if we cut the unnecessary details and stuff? YES!

*deep tired sigh* Normally it takes me one go do read through the chapter and comment on it. This chapter took me three tries. I probably should've dropped it but I decided not to even if to train my willpower. It was a partial success.

Aftermath/feedback: Let me tell you a funny story... yes, just like that. So, after this particular wall of text following things happened. After four or five days new account was created, by the name of BlindHors. This account/user replied to my wall of text with a following pic:

...and then gone blank. It sill comes around to fimfic from time to time.
After that, nothing happened... just before Sunday when my comment finally got deleted. Yay! Mind you, I didn't delete it. Judging by the word count at the moment of writing this entry I'd say they didn't got to editing. Whether they will or they won't that I don't know.
So, yeah, here's something for you to think about. Have a good day, ponyladies and gentlecolts!
P.S. Maybe I truly went too harsh in my overall segment, and that I could agree with, however, at that point I was quite pissed off to be honest, so, yeah. Whatever happened, happened.