Review of "The Virgin Company" - but it's not clop, so that's a relief · 10:07pm Apr 29th, 2018
The Virgin Company - by Pone_Heap
When you first enter the sensory deprivation tank, you might feel anxious. The quiet, the weightlessness, the deep black void where once there was light -- it is an unsettling feeling, to be denied the very things we count on to keep us alive.
But I am in this tank for a reason. I am getting dispatches from an agent at the front. Here comes one now.
Some Sunday afternoon, in the middle of summer, the soldiers of the Dragonlands Outpost lounged about. With no place to go on their day off, unless they wanted to wander around the steppe, they read, slept, played cards, drank, shot the breeze… They did anything to pass the time.
Well, sure I would do anything to pass the nime on some Sunday afternoon in the middle of summer. It gets hot in the Dragonlands, and on the steppe. That's because the steppe has no trees to shade you from the sun, just miles of flat prarie. I'll wager those soldiers were half out of their minds with boredom.
Here comes another:
His wingponies came for him and saw what had happened. They wanted to cheer their officer, but Lt. Screamer didn’t seem to be reveling about much of anything. It had been a miserable day. They helped fly him back to the outpost.
Thank goodness for those wingponies. Lt. Screamer would have been a goner if it weren't for them. Well, probably a goner. He did fly back. Did he? The message only said: "They helped fly him back to the outpost." Maybe they helped him by flying next to him, or maybe they flew him back in a sling or a stretcher. Both are possible.
The problem with the deprivation tank is that I start to hallucinate a bit. Right now, I swear to goodness my high-school English teacher is floating in here with me. Mr. Hemmelgarn looks at me, and I look back at him. And, right before he explodes in a shower of fireworks he says to me, "Show, don't tell."
Go away, Mr. Hemmelgarn. I am busy getting dispatches.
Another hallucination hits me, only this time it is Lt. Screamer. I have become him, and I am seeing his rescuers through his own eyes!
He snapped back to consciousness suddenly, afraid. His head was screaming at him like a drill seargent, urging him to Move, move! But the body had other plans. Reports were coming in from every inch of his body, and none of them were good. He opened his eyes, and immediately regretted it.
Seargent Snow Flurry was standing above him, his dented and badly tarnished helment cocked at an angle by his right ear escaping from underneath. He bellowed, "Private Scones! What in the blazing fires of Tartarus is wrong with you?"
Lt. Screamer heard a meek voice above him and out of eyesight. "S-s-sorry, sir! It's just a lot to take in!"
Sgt. Flurry's face softened comically, "Aw, is you scawwed, pwivate? Does baby need a hug?"
"Ulp. S-s-sorry, s-s..."
"Sorry, my breakfast! You deploy that stretcher ASAP! I'll shove your snout so far up your ass, you'll be kissing yourself at night! Move it!"
Lt. Screamer moaned. His vision was spinning wildly, and the ringing in his ears was getting louder.
Sgt. Flurry looked down at Lt. Screamer, his face crinkling with worry. "You stay right there, Lieutenant. We're going to get you home."
Lt. Screamer closed his eyes, and let the void claim him once more.
I love these hallucinations; it makes me feel like I am not in a sensory deprivation tank anymore. It's like I am there in the action, and there is sky and wind and sun and deep rich earth and horseshoes and...well, you get the idea. Time to get out of the tank, I think.
---
Words are hard. This work is ready to become a fantastic story; it has a voice, a point of view, a sense of action and excitement. It is clear that we are going to be given all we can handle on the action and drama fronts. But we are still stuck in an isolation chamber, because so often we are being told what is happening instead of being given the chance to experience it for ourselves.
Show, don't tell. Ugh - go away, Mr. Hemmelgarn! But he's right; this story needs to put us in the action so that we may feel what Lt. Screamer feels. This is the soul of great writing. You have the rest of it; you just need to show us.
Scoring (out of 5), for those who love hanging numbers on things:
Worldbuilding: 4 (you clearly know where they are, and what army life *is*)
Plot: 4 (I do love a good army movie. Dirty Dozen, anyone?)
Immersion: 1 (I'm 100% in a sensory deprivation tank)
Dialogue: ... was there dialogue? You could have your ponies talk more. You get a fish.
Total score (out of 20): Nine plus a fish. I look forward to your next chapter.
Hey, thanks for the review. It gets more interesting as it goes on, I feel.