My Experiences with Constant Moves · 6:09am Apr 19th, 2018
I've made it clear on several occasions that I dislike how I've moved from place to place across the last several years. Technically five times in four years, I've had to do everything from carting my belongings a hundred yards away to uprooting my life and driving nearly fifteen-hundred miles twice. And when I got into the mindset of such a reality, it tended to play hell with my own wants. The things I wanted to do were forced to the wayside, time and time again, to the point where I couldn't remember what I was doing with them by the time I get time.
Moving isn't easy. It's never cheap. And for someone like me who didn't have a job upon arrival, it can be unnecessarily stressful, moreso than usual. Now, let me be clear on another matter: I am very grateful to have landed where I am, even if it's nowhere near where I want to be. A steady job with enough income to build savings is enough, for now, and I've made strides to get back into studying what I want to do. Things like voiceover and joining a group project are steps in the direction I want to go.
Which makes me worry, because what if something happens in a few months that causes all of it to end? When I was in a similar position over two years ago, I took strides toward a better place - clearing my debt, making a recording space, even researching e-books for publishing and reading. And my library of writing resources grew to where it is now back in that time. I felt like I was in a good enough place to take a few risks. And I failed. I lost both the position I was in and the chance for promotions because of a communication breakdown between me and my team leader. Once that was gone, everything tore apart, and the risks I took had lasting effects that I didn't get over until just this year.
It all seems familiar. Here I am, awake in the middle of the night, indulging myself on a favorite drink while keeping a chat window open to a group of like-minded people. My job is sometimes thankless but often challenging, and while I know that changes are on the way, my position is secure for the most part. The only way I stand to lose it is through some critical failure on my part, and I take constant steps to prevent that. But still, there's the looming anxiety that I'll slip up; I'll say something or do something, or do nothing, and it'll cause a mark that I can't get over. Then the position goes to another, I lose the will to fight for what's mine, and I quickly run out of options. If I'm particularly ballsy, I'll have paid off a few hundred dollars of my debt by that time, which will leave me with very little savings.
It's that fear, that anxiety, that's affecting my projects, I think. It's hard enough to try and write an adaptation of two shows I love while the people who ask for it offer little in return, but then I have other projects that I love even more but have been put on hold so often and for so long that...I can't even remember where I was with them. I've restarted Humility with a plan, and I want to keep going with it. But The Locals? I have no fresh ideas for it. I can't even come up with a quick prompt for Talking is Hard. Hell, even my game project is at risk of being scrapped entirely and begun anew in a software I don't know!
The fear of losing what I've fought to gain is a more effective creative roadblock than anything else I've experienced. I sit down to write and I can't think, I play new music and I can't think, I write out plans and I can't think - sometimes I can't even take notes of meetings with my group. I mean, god damn it, sometimes it feels like I'm so afraid of taking risks now that I miss out on opportunities at work. Retail is its own brand of hell, but I know there are ways to keep myself where I am and ways to grow a little further. And yet it all feels like a risk. A risk to be taken, either by me or someone else, and what if it fails? What if I'm back to the same position in eight months, drained of savings and desperate for a room before I lose my own?
Look. I'm not saying that moving itself is bad, and I mean, damn, it can lead to incredible experiences. I got to see Broadway last year! But for a creative mind like me, who is happiest with a few hours of music and a good idea to follow, having to go through so many in such a constant pattern has led to a difficult position to be in. I have not been able to keep my promises for my creative projects for years due to having to move around so much. And all of my smaller projects were results of inspiration, so God only knows if I'll ever find that spark again.
Moving around so often has brought me closer to my brother, and I don't regret that. Plus, it's allowed me to become more worldly, even if it's just a weekend trip to Manhattan. The life experiences and the relationships I've made have allowed me to grow as a person. I know I'm coming into my own as a team leader, and I'm eager to help make a group project as good as it can get.
But where does that leave my own projects? The ones that have been left behind due to all of these moves? I think I already know the answer; I'm just not prepared to face it yet. There's still more that I can do.
"Michael Hern Takes 2018." I made new accounts to help me focus on original content, and even so I haven't dedicated myself to anything fresh yet because I'm unwilling to let the works of Leoshi be entirely forgotten. So isn't it still possible for Leoshi to stand up for what he wants as well? To make sure his projects don't die in obscurity?
But what if...it's all a risk that I fail again?
Bottom line: This is a stupid expectation to fall into. I want to stay here for a few years so I can set down creative roots. I've had enough with moving.
~Leo
