Food for thought/ update.

Have you ever heard your own voice and said you hate it?
Have you ever looked at a chapter you made and said it was the best thing you have ever written only to look back at it and realize just how bad it was?
Do you get bothered by little smudges on your shirt?
Do you feel self-conscious around other people when you believe your situation is less than appealing?

If so then welcome to my world.

Being critical of yourself can be a good thing, but on the flipside, it can also be a bad thing.
Just like everything else in life, there is a fine blend that is needed for it.

On one hand, I can compliment myself on how far I've come along. I mean I was ill literate just three years before, and now I see all the mistakes I made in the past that regarded stories I was working on in small documents that went as far back as six years ago before I was a Brony.

You see I've always had a passion for telling stories and looking back at all the old documents I had, it was no wonder why no one wanted to hear them!

Now the constant practice I get and the endless books that I devoured have made me extremely powerful at times with words. My mother's temper which usually flares at everyone who talks to her subsides when she tries to direct anger at me.
I've had family and friends come to me for advice and found my answers satisfying.

Even now I can resight every single original story I ever created in my head by name description and plot line. All 112 of them. none of them were fanfics either.

And then there's the flipside of the coin when you look at yourself in the mirror and point out every single flaw you have.

I'm not the best at spelling and a part of that is because I didn't get the education that I needed. I made it as far as third grade before things started going south for my education. So no I can't make a book report without help.
And no my math is not very sharp nor is my understanding in a variety of subjects that nowadays even my little cousins know better than me.
And it's awfully hard to feel proud of yourself when you're still living with your parents at 24 years old.

Because of these things I found it rather hard to make friends, despite actually taking courses and getting straight A+ grades in social studies.

And it was because of these very things, I became afraid to tell people my real life, and far too often I took a glance at myself in the mirror and said, "you really aren't worth much to a lot of people you know."

This was an anchor that brought me down every time I reached for something. But, things have changed greatly for the better.

When I stopped looking at everything that was wrong with me I started to realize that the people who shoved me aside and made me feel worthless didn't even know me!

But those who did know me said otherwise.
My third-grade teacher tried to justify her abusive behavior of me by telling my parents that I had autism, but my parents knew it wasn't true.

My first and second-grade teachers told my parents how gifted I was in learning.

My younger sister was the one Telling me that I had a gift for telling stories.

My aunt and my grandma who both had a hand in my education tried to tell me that I had a powerful way of learning things.

And everyone told me that I wasn't worthless, that I was special, that I was not stupid, that I was capable of doing amazing things.

But I didn't hear them at that time. I only saw how much better everyone else was.
My sister learned faster than I did.
People ask me questions that were easy for anyone to answer, but I could not answer.
I tried to make conversation, but instead, I became the third wheel.
Everyone was better than me, and what was worse was the fact that I actually believed the third-grade teacher who said I was stupid, ungifted, and otherwise useless, and at the time it seemed like she was the only one who was being honest with me as she was the only one in my life who didn't praise me for any sort of accomplishment, instead she destroyed any confidence I had.

But again being critical about yourself can have its ups and downs. It can build you or destroy you.

In fact, I distinctly remember telling myself once upon a time after feeling alone and helpless for so long, I would tell my self,"I don't need friends, I don't need anyone."

Funny how that phrase has so much meaning now with a glaze of irony.
I didn't believe in friendship when I first watched the mlp series, and now I can't imagine how I survived so long without the love that the series had to offer.

Once upon a time, I would have care when someone used my flaws against me, but now it is my armor, and like the foundation of a castle built with stone, I too have begun building a strong foundation.

Little by little I see the things that should have made me weaker has only made me stronger.

And that is why I am writing this blog. You see on the blog before I said I was going to make a video to explain my situation, but when I got to it I began to realize more and more that a video just wasn't enough. Videos can get pretty boring after a while depending on how you approach it.

I was going to go along the lines of an update video that exercised the ideals of entertainment with random shenanigans while at the same time providing insight to the viewer; however, when I got to it I began to realize that it would not be good enough, because I can't connect with everyone through a video, No.
I decided it was a better idea to just write this instead of reading from a script in a terrible and undisciplined tone. It's not worth killing myself to make a video that doesn't touch the heart. Believe me, it's better this way. I still intend to make an update video but I intend to take my time with it; besides that, this extremely long blog could not possibly fit into the video.

I admit I was getting frustrated by the little things that I didn't know how to handle.
I was starting to get aggravated and disappointed with myself, but then I realized just how silly it was to be upset with something I didn't know how to express.

Well, anyways I want to get back into the good habit of things and build the connection that divided me for so long. Since everything has been caught up and the family business is getting close to calling it quits for the winter, I am now starting to get more and more free time, and now that my focus is shifting back into the world of writing stories, I can't help but wonder what is going to get done first?
The 20 videos I wanted to make for this Year's resolution or the three stories for this year's resolution?
Either way, I hope the fun is just getting started. I've been working so hard for so long, I could sure use a significant change to my daily routines.

Well, thank you for taking the time to read all of this.
It turned out so much longer then expected, but I felt the need to vent out something
I know there are mistakes In this report, but I don't care at the moment.
It's been a long time since I made one like this, so I hope you can take something from what I write here today with confidence.

Oh and by the way, Making YouTube videos sucks....at least at first. but that's for another time, so untell then, thank you all for your time and support.

Be free, be creative, be honest, be open-minded, but above all else, be your self.